My wife and I were not pack rats so much as we just had a habit of collecting things beyond our house's ability to accommodate :D. We had hobbies that were varied and sometimes difficult to support in a small city house of 1200 sqft (and 1200 poorly laid out sqft at that). So we had boxes in the attic and in our dens that were full of various projects we were working on. Over the last 8 months I have wondered into my wife's den about 5 times, maybe a couple more than that when searching…Continue
Exactly 3 months ago today my world was shattered and I lost my only true love and my soulmate. People keep telling me the heartache I feel will become more and more bearable. Right now I don't see how that will ever be possible. Even after 50 years together (over 47 married) we were looking forward to the future. We still had so many plans and dreams. Despite his illness (he was on dialysis) we had learned to navigate around his treatments and we still managed to travel and do the things we…Continue
Heard that one in a book I was reading’ basketcase in a nanosecond.’ Im way back to thoughts I had the first day. The sadness is back not that it was gone but there’s a heaviness to it. I was trying to do a workout yesterday morning and in the middle of it BAM it hit me. I kept going but my steps were heavy and lost energy. Now sleeping is more disruptive. Wake up in the middle of the night crying and with anxiety. I have to get up rock in my chair the rest of the time .…Continue
50 years ago yesterday Ray and I got married. It was a warm day for winter as today was and we got married at my local church and went to an old dance hall nearer to his family's home where family and friends had gathered for a fancy supper and some dancing. A work colleague describd it as a "real hillbilly wedding" and it certainly wasn't formal and with the dancing to a three piece band it was quite an energetic affair. My Mum and mother-in-law handled the catering to the satisfaction of…Continue
All it took was one manila envelope.
It was Saturday evening, and the girls and I were trying to have a relaxing evening after a long day spent at the zoo. Everyone was tired, but refusing to rest. So tempers were a little short and moods were a bit sour. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything. At one point, I realized I hadn’t checked the mail, so I went outside and did so.…Continue
This weekend I became a first time Grandmother. This sweet little girl wrapped me around her finger instantly. I cried and laughed and hugged and kissed...but as I was leaving my driveway to go to the town when my daughter lives I had a bit of a melt down. As I was sitting there waiting for the gate to close it hit me that I would be driving back in with a changed heart. And in that moment I needed Howard so incredibly much...and he was not here..I could not get out of the car and go…Continue
After 7 years I hoped I would be better at this. This morning I am having a very hard time. Two weeks after losing my husband I found a job. I met a lady there that helped me make it through each day. She was so good and kind to me. Friday night she lost her husband. My heart just breaks for her. He had lost his insurance when he had to quit work because he got sick. Now he is lying in the morgue until she can figure out how to bury him or what to do. I can't imagine having to do this. It…Continue
(Today’s blog post title is thanks to a comment made by MartyG that I saw on WidVille one day while reading old blog posts.)
I’m acknowledging a hard time with my grief work right now. I don’t feel like I’m thriving, not even really living...just surviving. I judge my every move (or lack of movement…) right now. I know I’m my harshest critic. I am so incredibly inpatient and unforgiving of myself. I know I’m…Continue
The sculptor has been widowed but says he was given "a second slope in life" where he's able to enjoy…Continue
So I have been off for a while, very busy at work and taking a much needed vacation during the week of the fourth where I kept myself mostly away from electronics except for a few times where I acted as the group accountant :D. It dawned on me while I was away how many times I was hunting for a pronoun. People are probably saying what do you mean, hunting for a pronoun. Well for 23 years, really 27, things weren't mine or hers, they were ours. It wasn't me, it was us, there was no I it…Continue
Six months into this grief journey. One week shy of six months into this new job. And I finally had my first unscheduled time off due to my grief today. Honestly, I’m pretty proud of that. Yes, I’ve taken a planned mental health day here or there.
Sleeping poorly the past couple weeks has finally caught up to me. My energy tank was depleted to Empty. First, both girls were in bed with me all night. One of the girls…Continue
I posted this elsewhere but thought I would post it here too.
I have found in talking to others and also in this group that many people don’t like to use the word died or death or dying. They tend to use euphemisms like “passed”, “passed away” or “passed on”. I always say my wife died or she is dead. I found this article particularly interesting in discussing why people do this, especially the part about explaining death to…Continue
(Marcus and I were only married one week shy of four months when he was killed in a work accident. We’re only 32. We’d only been together for a little over 2 years. We spent 15 years apart before reconnecting (high school sweethearts). I’ll write a more in-depth post at some point about my story, but that’s the Cliff Notes version for reference on this post.)
So many people try to compare their hurts and trials to…Continue
I've read many articles, books, and post about grief coming in layers, like that of an onion. I've read about how grief changes a person. So, I say to myself okay bring it on. I imagined the metamorphosis to gently take place like that of a graceful butterfly emerging from its cocoon. It was a lovely visualization I had, the changes within would come on softly, over time without me even realizing changes were taking place. I'd wake up one day and be a whole person again. Looking…Continue
I am dusting in my bedroom and my Granny's music box starts playing. I knew the song but not much about the lyrics. When I looked them up I realized how much they mean to me now at this stage in my life. So if there are signs from our loved ones I do believe I got one today <3
To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go
To right the unrightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from…
Today some very bad thunderstorms were passing thru the area. I am really scared by thunder and lightning. When Tony was at work he would call when he knew the weather was getting bad. He would talk to me as long as he could to calm my fears. When the thunder and lighting would strike he could hear the shakiness in my voice. He would say "Its ok baby its just a big boom boom it will pass " I would laugh because it would sound so silly to have to talk to a grown woman that way.
One of the hardest things I struggle with is the constant battle between the child of God and the human self. Between good and bad. Between my heart and my soul. This battle takes many forms.
Sometimes, grieving me wanting to yell at God: “Why did You take him? What did I do? What did he do? Marcus put his life back together and now he’s dead…Continue
Yesterday I had my PET scan, 25 minutes in a small plastic tunnel. This was my second so not as scary as the first. Laying there with my eyes shut is an agonizing exercise for me so I use visualisation as a method of coping. This time I used our three years in a small coastal town, trying to remember the neighborhood, the routine with our children in the little school down the road, the way of life we had in that place. We had some good times there so it was a pleasant experience for me,…Continue
Today is July 4th. Saturday we would have been married for 32 years. Once upon a time,we considered vow renewal for our 30th. Life had other plans. Martin was unemployed in the year before he passed and had just landed a new job. We had no life insurance. A perk of employment, and naturally believing in "what could go wrong?". Yes. The "joke" was on me. Us. But not really. Everything was right in our world when he died. It's only not right in mine because he is not here to be my back-up.…Continue
How will I ever make peace with the Never Again
I will Never Again hear you say "Hi Pumpkin I am Home or what is cooking good looking"
I will Never Again hold your hand as we walk down the street or feel your hand at the small of my back and know that I am protected
I will Never Again laugh at your stupid jokes or have you hold me when I cry
I will Never Again have you to calm me when I am scared or listen to me talk for hours
I will Never Again kiss your…Continue