I wanted to blog about how I feel tonight, watching the blue corn moon with all my fellow villagers and praying that somehow, somewhere, Rod was watching it too. The gamut of emotions I have run through this Grief has been from one extreme to the other ... anger, fear, sorrow, devastation, loneliness, longing, hopelessness... well, you have all befriended each and every one of them, so I don't need to go on. But the feeling I have tonight is beyond loneliness, beyond emptiness, it's more…

"There, but for the grace of God, go I."

According to some historical records, English martyr John Bradford first spoke those words as he watched a man being taken to his execution. That grace only held out for a short time, as Bradford, himself, was burned at the stake for religious heresy.…

My mother set up this "donation" page for my family a couple of months ago. It hasn't been very successful, despite friends & family "sharing" it religiously on facebook & twitter. I find it odd that my cousin can raise a thousand dollars for her horse's eyesight & surgery in less than a week, but the same audience doesn't respond to my family. I've never felt so alone or unloved in my life as I have these past few months. Anyways, here is the link.…

Since I have a hard time staying organized, and don't want to start fresh with my story or get sidetracked, I will just post the link to my existing blog. …

I just don't want to do anything.  I don't want to, throw anything out, nothing.  I'm numb and guide-less; I know I'm suppose to hustle if I want to be out of here by September 25th but I just don't care.  Chalk it up to loneliness as looking at all the things I have to throw out or pack bring back memories.  This place is torture, the memories encompassing me, and here I am trying to keep my head above it all.  

A relative came back from her trip and noticed my posts...she wants to…

In 2003 Terry and  I took our first vacation without the kids. We took our jeep wrangler to the Rockies for trail busting and really a second honeymoon. We had the time of our lives and seen so much and really reconnected. Now I have made reservations for me and my son to go to the same place his daddy and I went to. Ty has never seen the Rockies and wanted to go really bad and I need to get away so off we go in about 4 weeks. This trip is bittersweet for me as I have so many memories and…

 I guess we never know what is around the corner.. no crystal ball.. All I can say is I never dreamed in a million worlds my life would end up like this.

 with the financial mess from husbands business. I have filed bankruptcy.. well have half more to pay, before they file..

 I do have a man who had come to a yard sale last year, interested in buying more of John's stuff for "projects" when he retired. hoping to make enough to pay the balance to the attorney.

 My…

The ex friend who made inappropriate advances to me and I had to sever ties w/ has told our tight group of friends that I needed time and space to grieve so that's why they've been away.  I am so mad at him.  I needed time and space away from him because he violated our friendship.  One of the women in the group called me, left a message saying she knows I've requested time and space but she really wants to talk to me to make sure I'm ok?  I had no idea he had told the group that.  He's such…

I have always been a singer. I can't remember a time I didn't sing. I have sung with community choruses, opera choruses, church choirs and Synagogue choirs. I sing in Italian, French, Latin, Hebrew and Russian. And English if I have to. I guess I'm a professional because I have been paid. I have had solos by Puccini, Brahams and Andrew Lloyd Weber. I have sung Amazing Grace at more memorial services than I care to remember.

The last time I sang was in in the church choir, sitting next…

It's over three months since my beloved husband John died after a more than three year battle with two types of blood cancer - leukemia and then multiple myeloma as well.

This is my first blog post on this site where I mostly look at the Widowed in 2012 group comments.

I thought I'd share something.

This morning I woke with sun streaming through the bedroom window and realised it would be a beautiful, springlike day (it's the end of winter down under).

Suddenly I…

This is a line from one of my favorite songs "Just like Heaven". I have the Charlotte Martin version posted in my video section, but I'm pretty sure the original was from the CARs or some other 80's type band. This is how I am feeling. Alone, alone, alone. I don't really understand what changed, except more passing of time. I was feeling much more hopeful and positive and "doing" things. Then 6 mos came, and I feel well..not devastated like at first- no, I feel "disintegrated". Like the…

'' Tonight I'll sing my songs again, I'll play the game and pretend, hmmm... But all my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity like emptiness in harmony I need someone to comfort me....Homeward bound, I wish I was...''        

('Homeward Bound', Paul Simon - 1965)

 …

I'm gone now but I'm still very near, Death can never seperate us.

Each time you feel a gentle breeze, It's my hand caressing your face.

Each time the wind blows, it carries my voice whispering your name.

When the wind blows ever so slightly, think of it as me pushing a few stray hairs back in place.

When you feel a few raindrops fall on your face, its me placing soft kisses.

At night look up in the sky and see the stars shining so brightly.  

I'm…

There are just some mornings driving into work that are much easier than others..  The hard days are the ones when a song comes on the radio and it just brings me to tears while driving.  By the time I pull into the parking lot I have cried my make up off.  Wednesday will be the one year mark that Joe passed away and  I feel myself falling very fast into that black hole again.  I can’t sleep, then I can’t get out of bed in the morning and when I finally get up I am running around trying to…

Three years ago this journey of widowhood presented itself in my life.  I ignored the journey for two years.  I ran from it, I hid from it, I refused to acknowledge it.  I mean I couldnt be a widow.  I had a 16 year old daughter at home.  I was only 46 years old.  My parents were still alive.  Widows are old people who wear black for the rest of their lives, they sit in corners of the living room at family functions, they are only acknowledged in quiet whispers " Thats Ethel, shes a widow" ,…

 I am sitting here this morning, reading Blogs and Introductions of members. The bond here.. The Love of our partners,  and "death"  in so many different ways. but our glue here is Empathty. We ma have lost our loves in different ways, and  we may grieve in different ways, but we all understand the "holes" in our hearts, trying to go from WE to ME.

 Dreams and plans have all changed. Wheather…

The weekend has been survived...again. Amazing to think how many of them there have been since Feb. 13th. And as it draws to a close..I have the blues. Not to out of the ordinary..used to get them when Paul was alive. The start of the workweek, the end of the weekend. These blues are different though. Mixed up with the lost time of the weekend, not knowing what to do with myself really. And then the realization that another week is starting. That time continues on..ready or not. Nothing…

Not much change at all. Hospice nurses are buzzing around us to keep us all comfortable. I thought I knew how to make up a bed before I saw these incredible nurses and techs do it without even moving the patient. If I had to raise my kids again I would not bother with the endless morning rousting routine. Instead, I'd roll them one way and then the other, tucking fresh sheets around so they'd smell better. Then I'd throw a pretty comforter over them and prop up dainty pillows. I'd just…