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August 2014 Blog Posts (31)

My story. OUR story.

I don't know if anyone will ever read this, but I feel like I need to voice that my husband's life MATTERED!  Cancer sucks.  

We were going right along with the treatment plan set out for his specific type of cancer - Angioimmunoblastic T-Cell Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  The plan?  Chemo to get him into remission, and then a stem-cell transplant!  

At 100 days post stem-cell…

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Added by JustMeNow on August 8, 2014 at 2:33pm — 8 Comments

Sometimes I'm just not ok...

I am trying. So very hard. This is not the life I wanted, not the way it was supposed to be. I had a loving husband, two beautiful boys and one on the way when cancer came and stole my life, my children's daddy, my life partner. I've been told to keep things as normal as possible for the kids but nothing about this is normal. Normal is daddy making them breakfast in the morning, normal is daddy tucking them into bed with me. I am trying so hard to create a new normal but I hate it, hate how it… Continue

Added by Cath on August 8, 2014 at 6:07am — 9 Comments

A month till Ray's birthday, a month ten days till the 2nd anniversary of his death.

I am finding as the days start to draw out that I am spending a bit more time on my house and yard.  Spiders webs were the first thing to be tackled, dark webs against buttercup yellow paint are pretty obvious. I am also trying to do more inside the house, keep it tidier and soon I will be back to tidying out drawers etc.  Someone in one of their blogs called it "thinning out" and I much prefer that expression to decluttering as I am not sure it was clutter so much as things I had held onto…

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Added by only1sue on August 8, 2014 at 5:00am — 2 Comments

Just need to vent

F-bomb alert. If you find them offensive you might want to skip this short entry.

Fucking Hell.

It is all really too much.
Today I got up at 5:30, made breakfast, made Sophie's lunch, cleaned the kitchen, looked at old photos with Samantha, had an informational interview (person was 20 minutes late), came home, played with Samantha (that was nice), got lunch out, looked for a dresser to replace the broken one, stepped over the piles of clothes…
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Added by MissingRKK on August 7, 2014 at 6:30pm — 10 Comments

Can I tap out of the ring now?

I want out.  

I want out of this suffocating space I feel closing around me. I don't want to be here. I don't truly enjoy what I am doing or where I am right now. Don't get me wrong, I do have good days.  I don't sit and cry all the time anymore. I actually can function on my own, but I still feel like I am on autopilot.

Get up. Go to work. Come home. Go to bed. Rinse & repeat. I just want out.  

I still have this urge to leave for a long sabbatical. I want to truly…

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Added by IndiaKai on August 7, 2014 at 7:50am — 14 Comments

Going through his things

I think I'm ready, but what if I'm not.  I will take it hour by hour when I do go through his things.  I just need boxes and bags and markers and tape.  I need help, but I'm afraid to ask.  I won't make my daughter help me.  She puts on a brave front but I know that she could crumble any time.

Lord, please send me the energy and motivation to get through my grieving.

Added by MrsFreddy on August 6, 2014 at 9:41pm — 3 Comments

How do I even begin to say "Thank You"?

"Thank you" seems woefully inadequate these days.



It's just not enough.



Yes I've lost friends who can't handle being around someone who is a "widow" or has "baggage". I have dealt with "drive-by kindness" that was more about people being seen to help me then actually seeing me and helping me.



But then there are the others......



Others like my friend Ange who showed up with her husband Todd right after the police arrived to notify me of John's death… Continue

Added by Lakelady on August 5, 2014 at 2:49am — 3 Comments

Whatever gets you through the night.

I attended a party this weekend with a friend who is in town. I did not know anyone there except my friend but found everyone really nice and easy going. There was a woman who I had conversation with that asked if I was married. I was pensive for a moment as I decided how I would answer. I chose honesty and told her I was widowed. She was very apologetic but was very curious and asked how it happened. I've become comfortable talking about the accident and his death. She asked many more…

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Added by TracyB on August 4, 2014 at 8:09pm — 2 Comments

a proper burial

We all keep things that are important to us.  I have date books and calendars that I've saved from several years back.  I have emails from over ten years ago.   It was interesting when going through my mom's things after she passed away that she had quite a few past years' calendars too.  Part of it for me is not trusting my memory and wanting to ensure some events, thoughts and dates aren't lost forever.

But today I threw away a whole lot …. papers and notebooks that were…

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Added by katjames on August 4, 2014 at 3:00pm — 5 Comments

Never Normal

I have not felt normal or like "me" in about 2.5years which is as long as my husband has been dead.  I hear everyone say oh there will be a new normal, but whatever that is I hope this isn't it because this new normal doesn't feel good.  As a matter of fact, it sucks.  I've been trying to stay busy, figure out my new life.  Although my life was not perfect with my husband, I knew how to operate in it, have times of contentment and happiness.  I had a long term life plan.  I had someone to be…

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Added by TammyRI on August 2, 2014 at 7:54pm — 5 Comments

the I-35 corridor

Today I did it again.  I took the road well traveled.  The I-35 corridor between Austin and San Antonio. 

The first time we met he came from Austin down this road.   I traveled the same highway up from San Antonio and we met in between.  I don't know if I believe in love at first sight, but I knew he was a keeper and I wanted to make him happy.  It was the beginning of many… plenty, numerous, hundreds … of identical trips.  All so we could see each other.  He'd leave…

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Added by katjames on August 1, 2014 at 4:20pm — 3 Comments

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