I don't know if anyone will ever read this, but I feel like I need to voice that my husband's life MATTERED! Cancer sucks.
We were going right along with the treatment plan set out for his specific type of cancer - Angioimmunoblastic T-Cell Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. The plan? Chemo to get him into remission, and then a stem-cell transplant!
At 100 days post stem-cell…Continue
I am finding as the days start to draw out that I am spending a bit more time on my house and yard. Spiders webs were the first thing to be tackled, dark webs against buttercup yellow paint are pretty obvious. I am also trying to do more inside the house, keep it tidier and soon I will be back to tidying out drawers etc. Someone in one of their blogs called it "thinning out" and I much prefer that expression to decluttering as I am not sure it was clutter so much as things I had held onto…Continue
F-bomb alert. If you find them offensive you might want to skip this short entry.
I want out.
I want out of this suffocating space I feel closing around me. I don't want to be here. I don't truly enjoy what I am doing or where I am right now. Don't get me wrong, I do have good days. I don't sit and cry all the time anymore. I actually can function on my own, but I still feel like I am on autopilot.
Get up. Go to work. Come home. Go to bed. Rinse & repeat. I just want out.
I still have this urge to leave for a long sabbatical. I want to truly…Continue
I think I'm ready, but what if I'm not. I will take it hour by hour when I do go through his things. I just need boxes and bags and markers and tape. I need help, but I'm afraid to ask. I won't make my daughter help me. She puts on a brave front but I know that she could crumble any time.
Lord, please send me the energy and motivation to get through my grieving.
I attended a party this weekend with a friend who is in town. I did not know anyone there except my friend but found everyone really nice and easy going. There was a woman who I had conversation with that asked if I was married. I was pensive for a moment as I decided how I would answer. I chose honesty and told her I was widowed. She was very apologetic but was very curious and asked how it happened. I've become comfortable talking about the accident and his death. She asked many more…Continue
We all keep things that are important to us. I have date books and calendars that I've saved from several years back. I have emails from over ten years ago. It was interesting when going through my mom's things after she passed away that she had quite a few past years' calendars too. Part of it for me is not trusting my memory and wanting to ensure some events, thoughts and dates aren't lost forever.
But today I threw away a whole lot …. papers and notebooks that were…Continue
I have not felt normal or like "me" in about 2.5years which is as long as my husband has been dead. I hear everyone say oh there will be a new normal, but whatever that is I hope this isn't it because this new normal doesn't feel good. As a matter of fact, it sucks. I've been trying to stay busy, figure out my new life. Although my life was not perfect with my husband, I knew how to operate in it, have times of contentment and happiness. I had a long term life plan. I had someone to be…Continue
Today I did it again. I took the road well traveled. The I-35 corridor between Austin and San Antonio.
The first time we met he came from Austin down this road. I traveled the same highway up from San Antonio and we met in between. I don't know if I believe in love at first sight, but I knew he was a keeper and I wanted to make him happy. It was the beginning of many… plenty, numerous, hundreds … of identical trips. All so we could see each other. He'd leave…Continue