A couple of nights ago I had a meltdown. I wanted someone to be here with me. I didn't want to be here alone and lonely any more. I wanted a new partner and I wanted them NOW. If Ray wasn't coming back, and he doesn't not even appear in my dreams, then someone ought to take his place, as my lover, as my partner and perhaps as my husband. My kids do keep reminding me that as a Christian woman I have to adhere to certain standards, no live-in partner for me it has to be marriage or some…Continue
So, here I am 1 year and 6 days since I lost my husband. I met him online 17 years ago and he lived in NYC and I lived in Canada. After a year of long distant dating, he asked me to marry him, and I said yes and moved my son and myself to NYC. We soon moved from there to New Jersey where I still live today. I feel completely lost because I did not grow up in this country and my family is in Canada. Oh yes, I get along with his family, but I find lately they have been excluding me from…Continue
Do you think I am "over it", do you think because I smile and laugh that I am not dying inside some days? It is nearly three years since Ray died, and am I "over it"? Of course not. Am I able to play the amiable, funny, happy Sue people expect me to be? Most of the time. But I can only do it for a while and then it is a relief when I shut the door behind me and don't have to play "let's pretend I am okay" any more.
How do we heal ourselves? I remember once we had a cat that…Continue
My husband passed away suddenly from asthma on January 5 2015. I don't know if I'm totally crazy or if it is normal but some days I feel like I'm losing my mind. I make stupid mistakes, forget things, have a hard time talking like I have to stop to think about what I'm trying to say. Sometimes I even have to think about where I'm going when driving and have to try to remember how to get there even though I have been there before. This has never happened to me before I feel stupid and like…Continue
What i wouldn't give to just go back in time forty days. It was just an average night where my husband hang out downstairs playing on the Xbox and i was on my laptop playing The Sims. Probably not the usual things a couple of almost forty-somethings would be doing, but it was us. I would give anything to go back to that. Little did i know that night that my whole world would suffer a drastic change in the predawn hours of the next day. It was right about 4:30am on July 2nd when my world as I…Continue
I'm approaching my 3 year mark, October 11th will mark 3 years that my husband has made his transition. My life has been in whirlwinds since. So many changes. I put my house up for sale, I moved me and my 2 daughters into an apartment, we are happy here. Before we arrived in our new space, so many obstacles had to be moved out of our way. Unfortunately those obstacles were family members. My mother had 13 brothers and sisters. All of them had children, which resulted in me having over…Continue
I have been away for six weeks catching up with the English cousins, attending a wedding, going on an eight day tour. All very nice, a little more expensive than even two years ago but that is understandable in the light of the world economy. It was well worth the time effort and money that went into planning it. I had a good time not a great time, the weather was almost as cold as the weather I left behind in our Australian winter, the sky was overcast a lot of the time and there was a…Continue
Well July 28, 2015, came and it went. It marked the 2nd anniversary of my husband's death. I sent each of my children texts that morning, letting them know how much I love them, how very proud I am of them, asking how their hearts were.. I began to start my pity party, when I received a text from my daughter in law and newest grandbabe, asking how I was doing, how very much they love me and sent me a hug. Thankfully, my pity party never began. I decided to honor this 2nd anniversary,…Continue
Since I became a widow I keep stumbling across novels where the main character is a widow or widower. They draw me in and hold me captive because I'm trying to glean a fragment of hope that I'm normal, what I've been doing, thinking, feeling the past few years is what grieving looks like. The fictional characters seem to have it a bit easier and there's usually a happy ending. Still waiting for that rainbow, but until then I can live vicariously through a well written story.
Added by djunclerell on August 1, 2015 at 8:34pm — No Comments