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September 2013 Blog Posts (54)

The wound remains

I really expected this year wouldn't be quite so hard ... that my thoughts wouldn't take me back to this day 3 years ago ... the last day he was here in this house. The day I had to call 911 for the final time. But it has. The sadness. The heaviness. It seems to reside in my heart and burst forth even before I realize what the date is. Perhaps it will always be like this. An annual rewind of  one of the most important weeks of my life.…

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Added by Dianne in Nevada on September 15, 2013 at 1:42pm — 8 Comments

The last 2 years of the battle everyone thought I was so strong - not feeling so strong now.

I just feel weak and worn out.  Exhausted and I really don't like this new step in the path. 

If I were told I had Stage IV cancer of any sort I'd ask for a pain pump and let me go - the sooner the better.

The girls while still in the teens, they have boyfriends and things going on with their lives.  Today was a bad taste of what it will be like without them too.  Amber went with her boyfriend to a wedding and Shelby went with her boyfriend somewhere.  I had my grandson, Eli…

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Added by Richard'swife on September 14, 2013 at 6:45pm — 4 Comments

Suffer, the Little...

 

 

 

“My heart is heavy, and mine age is weak; Grief would have tears, and sorrow bids me speak.”

Shakespeare,  ALLS WELL THAT ENDS WELL.

 …

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Added by hendrixx2 on September 14, 2013 at 4:26am — 5 Comments

Every Breath I Take

With Every Breath I Take

I miss you every second, 

As soon as I awake;

Every minute of every hour,

With every breath I take.

I see you when I'm fast asleep,

In all my dreams each night;

We talk, we laugh, we sing, we dance;

We hold each other tight.

I miss our walks, our times alone,

Your smile, your love so true.

I miss knowing your feet are somewhere on Earth;

I miss all that…

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Added by TomsWife (Jodi) on September 13, 2013 at 4:30pm — No Comments

How do you learn to ride the waves of grief?

I try so hard to love how I want to be loved and to listen how I want to be listened to, but sometimes I want to smack someone for not appreciating what they have!   Being widowed for only 15 months, I knew this pain would never get better, but I prayed that it would get easier.  They say time heals, but how much time?  I can be so strong and confident one moment, and the next on my knees sobbing.  I can't control the waves of grief, and I have yet to learn how to ride them.  How do you…

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Added by Leftbehind on September 13, 2013 at 7:58am — 5 Comments

Why can't I just say no?

This is only the second weekend without Richard.  Last night our eldest daughter Shelby asked me if I could watch her 17 month old son for the weekend so she could go spend the weekend with her boyfriend.  Why didn't I just say no - - - what about me?  The girls lives they can fill with friends and boyfriends to help.  Shelby told my youngest daughter that she thought my crying was "over the top".  Frankly I don't feel like doing anything for her.  She was not here for the majority of his…

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Added by Richard'swife on September 13, 2013 at 4:58am — 4 Comments

What am I supposed to "move on" to?

I hate it that the last of the " firsts" is staring me in the face right now.  I am not yet ready for it to be a year since Ray died.  This time last year was a terrible time, we knew he was close to the end and I slept with the phone by the pillow.  I went to the nursing home early in the morning and left late at night.  I hardly ate, hardly slept, I lived in a daze. It will be one year on the 19th, one year of confusion, loneliness and much learning.  Thanks to all who have boosted my…

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Added by only1sue on September 12, 2013 at 11:30pm — 5 Comments

VOLUNTEERING....IS.... HELPING ME FEEL BETTER

Today marks 21 months since my husband died, and it is the first 12th of the month that I am not sad, nor in despair, or crying. What gives?  What is different? Am I healed?  It is almost as if I feel.....normal. Is that it?

The only thing I can attribute this change to is the fact that I started volunteering at a non-profit this week. I have offered my services to help the director in an administrative capacity. Part of the duties involve calling the clients of this non-profit, all…

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Added by Mariposa on September 12, 2013 at 5:52pm — 8 Comments

Busy days - sad days - angry days

It is hard to believe that it has been 10 days already since my love went to heaven.  Sometimes when I am sad I feel guilty because when I am sad it always feels selfish because at least he is no long suffering in pain.  But I feel so lonely even with our two daughters here.

There is so much to do.  My husband, Richard, was a genius.  He had several projects all going at once and only he knew what was going on with them.  It was way over my head so I let him have his fun.  Now I'm…

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Added by Richard'swife on September 12, 2013 at 4:49am — 2 Comments

Conected,grounded,by Mother Nature.

I got a wonderful reminder ,of how kind Mother Nature is. I was sitting outside this evening. A small herd of deer were looking for things to eat, when l saw a squirrel go to an oak tree by the deer ,and started dropping acorns,and small branches. The squirrel fed the deer for about  a half hour.It was a reminder that we truely are all connected. A remarkable ,random act of kindness. Made my day!

Added by Tod on September 11, 2013 at 7:10pm — 1 Comment

thoughts about stress

Stress.  Yeah, I have it.  A lot of it actually.  I took care of my husband with cancer for almost four years only to watch him lose his life to the horrid disease.   I watched my mom take her last breath exactly one year later.  The two rocks in my life.... gone....  My oldest daughter struggles with addictions that I can't fix.   My husband's family decided I wasn't good enough for them and rejected me for following my husband's wishes, deciding to believe I was a bad person.  I'm still…

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Added by katjames on September 11, 2013 at 5:30pm — 1 Comment

Another WOW moment

Today was another good day until..... I got a phone call. The call was from my MIL. Why is it that you know someone for over 20 yrs and they think that they know you better than you know yourself.Let me back up a little and explain. The place where i live i rent from my inlaws. In an earlier post I mentioned making a move for me and my daughter. This place will never be mine, so only memories are here, not the HOME feeling. For years me and my wife talked about moving. Then her parents…

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Added by william on September 11, 2013 at 5:20pm — 1 Comment

So much pain

I lost my husband to the monster known as cancer.  He battled stage IV lung cancer from July 2011 until September 2, 2013.  The signs of a problem showed up in May of 2011 but it took them until July to figure out why his neck hurt so terribly bad.  Finally after repeated doctors, emergency rooms and specialists our local doctor asked has anyone done a MRI yet?  Within minutes of coming home from that test we were called back in ASAP because his neck was fractured.  No one fractures their…

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Added by Richard'swife on September 11, 2013 at 6:16am — 4 Comments

Feel Isolated

Here I am , in the mountains 20 miles to town (town, a store, gas,and a bar) 50 miles to a city. Cut some more fire wood, talk to the deer,as they come to see what I'm doing. Don't get me wrong ,it's beautiful here. That skin hunger (sucks) ! ×2. It's been 3 month ago Linda and I went canoeing at the lake, watching the eagles fish, and otters play. That was 2 days before she died. I miss us!!

Added by Tod on September 10, 2013 at 3:28pm — 3 Comments

Moving On

Today started out as a great feeling day. During the course of the day i had several conversations with various people.I was taken off guard at what I realized. I have been living in this house off and on for 22 yrs. This house is my HOME, but it is no longer home with Wendy not being here. The people that I talked with all agree that it will probably be best for me to move somewhere else and start anew. I really hate to do that . This is the house where I proposed and she said yes, this is…

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Added by william on September 10, 2013 at 12:53pm — 6 Comments

Arguing after death

  Ok this is the second dream I have had of Dwight since his death. First was very cute and flirty, so looking forward to the next one. The weeks went by and last night I see him setting on bed wanting to know why I let him die and why I had bought a new bed. I don't remember what was said but I know we were arguing. 

   I have been going over what ifs for weeks now. Even to point if I would have been. A better wife three and half years ago this would have never happened. So crazy. I…

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Added by momof3 on September 9, 2013 at 8:36pm — 1 Comment

Arguing after death

  Ok this is the second dream I have had of Dwight since his death. First was very cute and flirty, so looking forward to the next one. The weeks went by and last night I see him setting on bed wanting to know why I let him die and why I had bought a new bed. I don't remember what was said but I know we were arguing. 

   I have been going over what ifs for weeks now. Even to point if I would have been. A better wife three and half years ago this would have never happened. So crazy. I…

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Added by momof3 on September 9, 2013 at 8:36pm — No Comments

Arguing after death

  Ok this is the second dream I have had of Dwight since his death. First was very cute and flirty, so looking forward to the next one. The weeks went by and last night I see him setting on bed wanting to know why I let him die and why I had bought a new bed. I don't remember what was said but I know we were arguing. 

   I have been going over what ifs for weeks now. Even to point if I would have been. A better wife three and half years ago this would have never happened. So crazy. I…

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Added by momof3 on September 9, 2013 at 8:35pm — No Comments

Always of the same mind

Linda and I ,did alot of traveling together. We spent 9 years retired,most always side by side.We were mentaly conected, like twins. We would say what the was thinking. Want to explore, without planing a trip. Flip a coin,or spin a bottle, to see witch way to go. Taste lifes adventures. We both were Red Cross Volunteers ,and did 12 National deployments together,from New York to New Orleans . We were both world travelers, she did it for fun, I did it for work before we met. Neither of us…

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Added by Tod on September 9, 2013 at 3:33pm — 1 Comment

widowed twice

I was widowed twice, both of these lovely souls left me on June 11th, 17 years apart. My 1st wife Guyla died at age 45, I was 44, we were together 25 years. Linda ,I had met  a year later ,by chance. She to was widowed. We were together 15 wonderful years, she died at age 68, and I'm 63.They had both told me, not to give up on love, there will be another that will want,and ,or need  you. So ,I'm passing on these  words , Don't give up on love it will find you!

Added by Tod on September 8, 2013 at 4:30pm — 4 Comments

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