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September 2014 Blog Posts (22)

Time

My days are haunted. Hell my nights are too. I am living within the ghost of a life that can never be. Waiting on a future that has already become my past. On the outside it appears that I have accepted my fate and that I am moving on in life. The best place to hide is in the midst of everyone else's chaos. The second hand keeps ticking ahead for everyone else, slowly bringing them into the future but my clock is busted. The second hand twitches almost as if it…

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Added by Jesotto1 on September 30, 2014 at 8:45pm — 1 Comment

My first Camp Widow - Toronto 2014

My first Camp Widow - Toronto 2014

 

I thought I'd write this to both help me process the two days and to possibly help others who may be trying to decide to go.  I'll do the best to remember things but I'm suffering from Widow Brain, so some things are fuzzy.  This may seem confused but I wanted to capture first impressions and not over edit.

 

A…

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Added by Dave55 on September 29, 2014 at 5:16am — 12 Comments

Happy Birthday Wherever You Are

Tomorrow is my birthday. It's also B's birthday. I'm turning 35. He would be 41. It was weird sharing my birthday with my husband. It's even more strange sharing it with my dead husband. I was hesitant to celebrate but decided to have a small gathering of close friends last night for dinner. It turned out to be a really fun night but today I feel overwhelmed with sadness. I don't know what the hell I'm doing with myself. I keep feeling like life has played some cruel joke on me. It will be…

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Added by TracyB on September 28, 2014 at 8:44pm — 1 Comment

3 + 3 = crazy widow

Three years and three months. Today it has been three years and three months since we lost Rod. Sometimes, now, over three years later, the 28th comes and goes without my giving it too much thought. Sometimes on the 28th I wake up, acknowledge it, and get on with my day. Today happens to be my middle boy's birthday and I'm sad that Rod isn't here to tell him happy birthday, that instead I am making this ridiculous connection between the birthday and the death day which wasn't even in…

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Added by rodsgurl09 on September 28, 2014 at 6:23pm — No Comments

If you were with me

I wonder

if you were with me 

standing in the salt spray 

on the beach where we were wed....

one year after you died. 

I wonder

if you were with me 

crying over the caskets 

of my great aunt and uncle, 

gone one year apart, 

two and three years after you died. 

I wonder

if you were with me 

watching Randy's games 

watching him sleep when he was sick 

watching him grow and grow and…

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Added by rodsgurl09 on September 28, 2014 at 5:49pm — No Comments

A bit restless and wishing things were as they used to be.

Do the change of seasons increase the restlessness?  It is Spring here at last and the days are getting longer.  I am starting to wake up at 6am.  The trouble begins if I then get up and start on the day I run out of energy by 5pm.  Then if I give into the urge to have an early dinner the night stretches ahead of me with nothing much to do.  It is then I really miss the companionship Ray provided. I miss someone else being in the house, someone to talk to, to retell the days events with,…

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Added by only1sue on September 28, 2014 at 4:30am — 2 Comments

Letter to my Love

It’s been two months, two weeks, two days, and sixteen hours. I don’t even have to look at a calendar or calculate in my head to know this. I could count the minutes if I allowed myself to do so.  But I’ve decided I have to draw the line somewhere, and counting minutes seems to be an appropriate place to do so.  Seems like counting the time I am left here without you is what I do now,…

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Added by Donna on September 27, 2014 at 6:27am — No Comments

Softer Days

Softer days have been sneaking up on me lately. I don't know if it's the soothing influence of nature or simply that I'm at a point my grief where "remembering" isn't hurting like razor blades these days.



I've been diligent with my journal pouring out over the past five months my grief and a daily basis. I make time to grieve daily. Sometimes, it takes different forms for me: my journal, a glass of wine and a conversation with a husband who is no longer there, drawing, writing a… Continue

Added by Lakelady on September 25, 2014 at 4:07pm — 2 Comments

Out of Place.

Why do I feel so out of place everywhere I go? I try to fit in but always feel I am a few steps behind everyone. I feel like I do not fit in anywhere.

I use to be the leader, hosting cookouts, events. Always very self confident. I was very cheerful, full of life and ready for good time with friends and family.

Now when I go somewhere I feel very detached. I seem to get left out of conversations. What has happened to me? I want to scream I am alive , I am here, I am still…

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Added by AuntT (Steph) on September 21, 2014 at 5:52am — 3 Comments

The two sides of a coin

It's my memories. They are like two sides of a coin. One flip and I'm brought back to laughter and silly and happy, where smiles abound and giggles and joy are intermingles with love. They are the memories I need, that feel my soul and allow for that one foot in front of the other thing. Then there's another toss and it goes dark and scary and hurtful, where pain was a daily occurrence and where the feeling of helplessness took up residence. I want to find a way to weight the coin so that it… Continue

Added by Cath on September 18, 2014 at 5:40am — 1 Comment

A Few Thoughts At 27 Months

It has been 27 months since Cindy passed. Overall, things are going well. I am grateful for that. My son and daughter are doing well. We are a connected and engaged family.



I think about Cindy and feel close to her so often. Two truly do become one, especially after 37 years of friendship and 27-1/2 years of marriage. We had an amazing and eventful life together.



I was in a relationship for 7 months. She is a very beautiful and a very kind woman. Things went well and so…

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Added by Mac on September 16, 2014 at 11:25am — 1 Comment

Learning To Compassionately Embrace The Wound And Walk With The Limp

Saturday is the two year anniversary of John’s death. The two year mark of chaos entering in and shattering the life I had, a life I loved, with an extraordinary man. And I find it strange that the first year the death anniversary was not this hard, this viscerally painful. The first year the days leading up to it were difficult and I was anxious about how the day would be, but as many other grievers have stated, the actual day was not as awful as I had feared. I’m hoping this year…

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Added by flannery on September 16, 2014 at 8:44am — 3 Comments

Staring into the Void

It's 4 AM Chicago time and I'm awake.



Yesterday was one of those days when I broke wide open when I felt so helpless that I couldn't even speak or breathe for missing the one constant for the last 17 years – my beloved partner... my friend ...my lover ...my laughter ...my life.



I know exactly what sparked it was the call-The one I've been dreading – from the police. I know it wasn't supposed to bring closure but it would've been nice, yesterday, to get some answers, to… Continue

Added by Lakelady on September 16, 2014 at 2:30am — 2 Comments

One more...

" Oh, one more night, 'cos I can't wait forever..."

One More Night - Phil Collins…

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Added by hendrixx2 on September 14, 2014 at 11:30am — 6 Comments

Unraveled

The rope unraveled

I will not braid it, repaired

It would tell a lie

Added by flannery on September 11, 2014 at 6:00am — 2 Comments

Lonely and a little blue

I am still feeling blue, spring is here but it is not warm yet, the rain still comes and goes, it will be one of the wetter Spring's on record.  I just get out for a while in the garden and down the rain comes again.  I will never even get the spring plants planted if this continues. It is too soggy for the plants, shrubs etc growing in the pots, some I have tipped over sideways so they will drain. I hope it clears up soon. I have been tackling the back corner of my garden and it does look…

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Added by only1sue on September 11, 2014 at 5:30am — 1 Comment

Words Escape Me

I sat down to write something...anything.  And nothing comes.  I have not felt this mute for quite some time. Robbed of adjectives and any descriptive words to say what is with me.

 

Wordless. A very sad state of affairs.

 

If I had to pick a word, it would be ...desolate.   Yes, that is the one. Devoid is also a good choice.

 

 

Added by AEDforever (Ali) on September 10, 2014 at 1:24am — 5 Comments

Widowhood Does Not a Grief Master Make

The last few weeks have had many of those around me looking toward me as to what to do during personal loss or disasters, as if John dying has made me the go-to source for grief, sorrow and suffering. What should I say, they ask. What should I do, they wonder. Would this offend, they question.  I am grateful to be asked but find I am often asking the same things of myself because all loss is different. My way of grieving will not be another’s way. This is difficult to explain to…

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Added by flannery on September 8, 2014 at 10:30am — 2 Comments

5 Lies You Were Told About Grief - By Alison Nappi

I found this entry on Facebook posted by another widow friend I met at Camp Widow East in San Diego.  I read it before and every word hit home with me.  I read it again today and it still has the same effect.   I thought I would share the link here for others to read and share with others that may be looking at widows and not understanding what we are going through on a daily basis.…

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Added by IndiaKai on September 6, 2014 at 11:00am — No Comments

Unravelled, At Loose Ends

Have you ever cut a cord needing to shorten it's length to fit the purpose you have in mind, only to find that no matter how creatively you attempt to tie off the cut end it continues to unravel? You end up with a cord that seems increasingly of no value loosing it's ability to hold things together. The unravelled fibres alone are never as strong as when the cord was intact.



This to me is how the resulting loss and grief of my husband's death has felt. Cut off from the love we… Continue

Added by Babs on September 6, 2014 at 6:06am — No Comments

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