It is always good to pass an anniversary date. I survived Father's Day (first Sunday in September for us) as I went out west and celebrated it with my younger son and he had his daughter for three days including Father's Day so that was good. Ray's birthday also came and went, I was sad but didn't surrender to those sad feelings. I am learning not to give in to sadness but to be brisk with myself and just move forward as best I can. The anniversary of his death I spent with my daughter…Continue
I grew up in a small town, where everyone knew everyone and their mothers, grandmothers, etc.
I loved my town.
school, jobs, houses, met my husband there….but when he died there… I liked my town…Continue
Three months yesterday.
I stayed home from work. Boss totally understood and had no issues. I have the best boss. It's been harder for me over the past few weeks than it had. I think it's that I'm finally done.
Everything has been gone through. I have two boxes that go to his family. Save for the nightmare that has been finding either an estate buyout or auction company to take the remaining things that are currently taking up 2 full rooms and my store room, I'm done. From this…Continue
Added by Medea on September 17, 2016 at 10:20pm — No Comments
I talk to my depression and anxiety. I have to live with them in my head, I can talk to them. That's fair. They moved in without asking.
Depression and anxiety informed me we were staying in bed today. Informed them that we did that yesterday, and we had stuff to do. They told me to die in a fire and laughed maniacally. (Actually, my mental voice for them sounds like Ursula, but I admit to being weird.) I told them to meet Mr. Xanax, and I successfully got up, paid all the bills, went…Continue
I just spent an extended weekend with my girlfriend (yes, I’m using the “girlfriend” thing regularly now) at her home down south, sort of a quasi-trial run (trial run 1 of a potential 3) (maybe trial run 1 of a potential 4) (or possibly trial run 1 of a potential 2 … things went very well …) to see how we would actually get along if we were living together. There was never a big doubt that all would be good, but, hey, as we all know, the bouncing ball of widow-dom…Continue
Friday, I started on Wellbutrin. It makes me a little muzzy headed about an hour after I take it, though that's starting to clear up. Not sure if it's helping or not, though the effects can take a week or more to kick in, so I guess we'll see, and up the dosage to 3x daily if needed.
This week is going to be trying to find someone, somewhere, who will take the things of Howard's that need to be consigned/liquidated/whatever. And moving them from out of the dining room, at the very…Continue
I have spent the day working outside on my garden, the weeds have taken over in what has been a wet winter and I needed to spend a few days doing it so today has just started the job. I am 69 now and starting to feel the age as I spent a lot of time pulling weeds this afternoon and can feel those muscles tightening up. I love my home but can see the days in it are numbered now and by this time next year I need to have made a decision whether to sell and move.I know there are a lot of older…Continue
I tend to write these on the weekends, as that's when I'm at work. Yeah, I know. It's weird. But 12 hours in front of a PC, and frequently nothing has blown up, so it gives me time to write as I keep an eye on the boards.
This was... a hard week.
The estate liquidation sale in not so many words said that there was nothing that was worth their time. They referred me to an auction house, who said that there wasn't anything of a high enough value to be worth the auction time. So…Continue
It keeps eating at me that I should write something about a friend's book, FIX. I've known the author for over a decade now in that odd Internet friendship way. And I've given away more copies of the first book in the series than I care to contemplate.
I'll say now that I enjoyed it, and if you haven't read it, you should read the trilogy. They rock.
It's a bittersweet book for two reasons. First is that I'm always a bit sad when a trilogy ends. I'm…Continue
Added by Medea on September 9, 2016 at 10:47pm — No Comments
Can we talk for a minute about love? Real heartbreaking, marvelous, disastrous, powerful love that survives everything, even death and our incredibly fragile yet robustly resilient hearts? You see I need to talk about it right now and would appreciate the ears and hearts of people that understand.
Tomorrow is my sixteenth anniversary. On a beautiful September afternoon, in a gracious historic church in…Continue
I've been in the fog of widowed love
it's a different fog than the first time
it's less rosy
and I've let it be less cozy
I've only been trying to fill the empty spaces
desperately trying, for years
grasping at memories, ancient and faded
repeating the stories, old and jaded
I didn't notice that the empty spaces were…Continue
Added by smit09 on September 7, 2016 at 4:41am — No Comments
Well, I just found a site online that looks like it'll be okay. I apparently get to "count" as a widow there. We couldn't marry, or Howard would have lost his Medicare. It would have affected his disability. But the fact that he was my partner, and we were planning on being together - we just couldn't say, "I do" - is apparently enough. So I'm going to add the old journal entries I wrote so I can post them there on my new blog. We'll see how that goes.
But it's nice to have the…Continue
Added by Medea on September 5, 2016 at 1:03am — No Comments
My arms are *killing* me. I have several boxes of glass and ceramics and dishes and whatnot to go through before Tuesday, but the offsite storage unit is totally empty and closed. Today I'm going to drop all Ji's crap off at her place on her driveway and let her deal with it, and then I never have to deal with her again.
Today is going to be exhausting. I'm already tired. But it's okay. They'll come, they'll take crap away, and it'll be out of my house. And me being tired today means…Continue
Added by Medea on September 5, 2016 at 1:00am — No Comments
Tuesday the estate liquidator will be here.
I'd thought it would only be partial, but honestly, even with only a couple days left, I'm fairly certain that I can handle the last few boxes and then have it all gone. Two or three loads away from having storage unit entirely emptied.
I woke up from a nightmare, I don't know if I screamed it, or if it was only in my dream. I was screaming, "I just want it DONE! Can't I be done now? I want my life back!"
Don't get me wrong. I…Continue
Added by Medea on September 4, 2016 at 12:30am — No Comments
Without Your Light
There is only darkness
Deep, dark sorrow
That is never ending
You know, I thought I was over dreading upcoming anniversaries. Maybe I’m being naïve, but I thought by now that I would have a better handle on myself. Yet I feel this soft gnawing in my stomach…a pit opening before me.
Rick will be gone for three years on the 23rd of this month…and today is the 1st…Continue
Coming home from work today, I listened to the song Shameless by Garth Brooks, I was blessed to have a husband who felt this way about me and even more blessed that he could sing and sound great, he sang this to me on one of our many online dates and through the years we were together, great memories and my heart fills with love remembering him.
This verse gives you an insight in the kind of man he was, could've been written for him in…Continue