As a widow I try to live life one day at a time. As a member of a couple both when Ray was well and afterwards when he had the series of strokes I would plan at least three weeks ahead. Now I am not that optimistic, I do put all my engagements on the calendar and hope nothing happens in between but I no longer have the confidence that life will happen the way I plan it. I used to be a really confident person but somewhere in the past seven years that changed. Maybe it is something to do with…Continue
But really, I don't want to go, Short of pulling the "W" card, how do I get out of this? I'd be going alone, I don't do weddings well anyway and about the last thing I want to deal with is risking a DUI, because I WILL drink at it and its in New Jersey and I live on Staten Island, so a cab isn't an option. How the Hell do I get out of this gracefully?
As the sun slips into the morning sky, the rays pierce my tired eye. I rise to start another day, lost without you trying to find my way. Sleepless nights to avoid the dreams, wading through a torrent of screams. Trying to find peace of mind, losing my soul in this daily grind. Wandering under a sky so blue, I stumble through these thoughts of you. Another day comes to an end, these letters I've written with nowhere to send.Continue
October 16, he would have been 61. We would have celebrated. I would have made him a birthday apple pie. Instead, I will be at Arlington National Cemetery to bury the ashes of my husband, the love of my life. When the funeral planner finally called to set a date, I chose his birthday for a few reasons, the first being that this former day of celebration has turned into another hard, sad day to get through. Rather than add another sad event date to the calendar, I will honor his wishes to…Continue
This is the week.
This is the week Ron finally went to the doctor, after I came back to Jakarta from the US for my father's memorial service and came back with a raging respiratory infection and Samantha's asthma was acting up so Ron was 3rd to go to the doctor.
This is the week where Ron looked at me across our bedroom and said,"what if it is something serious?" and I said, "It won't be, but if it is, we will deal with it."
This is the week where after the ultrasound…Continue
I went to the Lymphodema Clinic to get fitted with my new pressure garments, while the waist to knee garment was a good fit the stockings, knee to toe were too long. The fitter phoned the distributor to ask why the wrong size had been supplied the answer came back : " We no longer supply the size you requested....". That same answer applies to so many different aspects of my life for instance the spare parts for repairing taps etc, living in an older house as I do I can no longer get a…Continue
Just started to come out of my depression fog after losing my husband unexpectedly 15 months ago, today I get news that they found a lump on my brothers pancreas. He had been losing so much weight. I can't cope with this, I am not emotionally ready to even think about this. I want to escape again from reality. But also my brother will need me. So shattered. Life is exhausting.
Added by Kevin on September 19, 2019 at 6:00am — No Comments
Added by Kevin on September 19, 2019 at 3:54am — No Comments
So, last night was one of those nights, one of those times, where I just broke down into a deep sorrowful cry. It came out of nowhere. Maybe it was because I had things to do yesterday so I tried to be normal which is an understatement. Holding in your emotions to get through each and every day is rough, tough, and almost unbearable. It's so exhausting. So, at the end of the day when I could relax, I think it hit me. I usually cry throughout the day here and there, but yesterday I had things…Continue
I was with my spouse for almost 50 years. I have been widowed for three months. I miss his touch so much. When someone has touched you almost every day for 50 years how do you forget the feeling. I don’t want to forget the feeling yet I don’t want to remember the feeling because it hurt so much.I’m scared I’m going to forget the feeling of his touch . But yet it hurts to remember.
I have realized that I have been trying to find words to use that do not cause anyone pain or hardship. I have been trying to hold all my emotions in except in the early morning hours and late nights when I close myself off. Do you know how uncomfortable people become, even close family and friends, when you show your grief to them? I'm sure you do. I try so hard not to cause anyone pain or grief from my pain and grief. I made most of my family and friends stay…Continue
On July 27, 2019, my husband passed away unexpectedly where I was the one to discovered and held his lifeless body that I was sure someone could fix. But, even as he was rushed to the hospital, no one could bring him back to me.
It's still very raw and fresh: the stabbing aching pain, the breakdowns, the not realizing he is really gone on some occasions, the anxiety, the remembering looking into my husband's lifeless eyes when I pulled him into my arms. It's all so raw and…Continue
I’m blogging again on my site, the Hungover Widow, after being off for a year and a half. Blogging can be lonely. But I’m back with, “Recovering from Extreme Loneliness or Don’t Trust a Guy with 19 Guitars who Wants to Move in with You.” Its about how I wanted so much to be partnered,…Continue
I woke this morning to find you're still not there, a dream so real I felt your hand in my hair. At the window in a far-off stare, our last kiss still upon my lips. Your hand on my neck as I hold your hips, a dance of memories that never slips. To swim in your thoughts once more, holding your hand as the waves wash upon the shore, now in my dreams forevermore.
Watching the clothes tumble in the dryer
You by my side I could never be higher
As the memories spin through my mind
Just want to go back, just one rewind
All the things I want to say
More and more every day
Letters I've written, trying to mend
Lay under your pillow with nowhere to send
As your shadow crosses the room
A silhouette of you by the moon
Does not compare as you stand there
A familiar scent drifts through the air
Your breath on my ear is still there
A kiss on your shoulder, skin so fair
I lay awake to watch you sleep
Thoughts of you in dreams I keep