I was with my spouse for almost 50 years. I have been widowed for three months. I miss his touch so much. When someone has touched you almost every day for 50 years how do you forget the feeling. I don’t want to forget the feeling yet I don’t want to remember the feeling because it hurt so much.I’m scared I’m going to forget the feeling of his touch . But yet it hurts to remember.
I have realized that I have been trying to find words to use that do not cause anyone pain or hardship. I have been trying to hold all my emotions in except in the early morning hours and late nights when I close myself off. Do you know how uncomfortable people become, even close family and friends, when you show your grief to them? I'm sure you do. I try so hard not to cause anyone pain or grief from my pain and grief. I made most of my family and friends stay…Continue
On July 27, 2019, my husband passed away unexpectedly where I was the one to discovered and held his lifeless body that I was sure someone could fix. But, even as he was rushed to the hospital, no one could bring him back to me.
It's still very raw and fresh: the stabbing aching pain, the breakdowns, the not realizing he is really gone on some occasions, the anxiety, the remembering looking into my husband's lifeless eyes when I pulled him into my arms. It's all so raw and…Continue
I’m blogging again on my site, the Hungover Widow, after being off for a year and a half. Blogging can be lonely. But I’m back with, “Recovering from Extreme Loneliness or Don’t Trust a Guy with 19 Guitars who Wants to Move in with You.” Its about how I wanted so much to be partnered,…Continue
I woke this morning to find you're still not there, a dream so real I felt your hand in my hair. At the window in a far-off stare, our last kiss still upon my lips. Your hand on my neck as I hold your hips, a dance of memories that never slips. To swim in your thoughts once more, holding your hand as the waves wash upon the shore, now in my dreams forevermore.
Watching the clothes tumble in the dryer
You by my side I could never be higher
As the memories spin through my mind
Just want to go back, just one rewind
All the things I want to say
More and more every day
Letters I've written, trying to mend
Lay under your pillow with nowhere to send
As your shadow crosses the room
A silhouette of you by the moon
Does not compare as you stand there
A familiar scent drifts through the air
Your breath on my ear is still there
A kiss on your shoulder, skin so fair
I lay awake to watch you sleep
Thoughts of you in dreams I keep
I am feelimg sorry for myself. I have been home from hospital for four weeks now. I have got over that first joyful feeling of being glad to be alive, over the dreading a ruptured aneurysm, grateful for the many people who supported me etc. My family love me but as they live a distance away from me it is easy to see it is out of sight, out of mind. My daughter said she would try to get down to see me every week but that was never going to happen was it? I know she is busy with her family and…Continue
My friends are taking my decision to leave Raleigh hard. And I love them all because they held me up when I couldn’t hold myself up. I can no longer deal with being stalked at church and on the internet by his family, and people who have issues because I still make sure I look nice each day. I don’t want to deal with all the things that come at me from his family and from people who mean well...and I have to remember that all the time.
I’m tired of crying when I go on the side of town…Continue
My name is Geoff. My husband Steve died 12/7/2018 after a 4 month battle with colon cancer. We were together for 16 years, married for 4. Being a gay couple has its own unique challenges, even in this day and age. Family will distance themselves and say cruel things. For the longest time, it was just Steve and I against the world. He taught me so much about life. How to believe in myself. What it truly means to be happy.
I remember the last 4 months of Steve’s life. The way his…Continue
I got back home from hospital Tuesday afternoon at the end of a six day stay. My daughter Shirley took me down to the hospital, stayed at my house overnight and came back the next day, then came down to bring me home and stayed overnight to make sure I was safe. Despite me being " an older woman" I healed at the expected rate with no unexpected complications. I was so glad to get home to my own bed!
The operation to clip…
I passed the 1 year mark 9 days ago. My family needed me to be strong so I didn't allow myself to grieve. Things were going pretty well until this past spring, when I unexpectedly slid into depression and crying jags. Almost four months passed and just as I started thinking I was getting back on track, I did an odd thing. I'm not a drinker but 3 weeks ago I bought 3 bottles of bourbon. After some experimentation I decided mixed drinks were my preferred way…Continue
You were in my dreams last night.
You were my dreams last night.
You were my dream for most of my life.
You were my dream before we met.
I haven't been on WV in a while. I guess that means I was doing pretty well and hadn't felt the need to visit. Or sometimes it was just a way to avoid being "pulled into the sadness" again. Not that the sadness ever completely disappears. It's always there, maybe hidden, almost undetectable, but always there. These days I find myself reflecting on those seven years (7 1/2 to be exact) since the love of my life has passed away. As all of you know, the first year was hell. The second year not…Continue
Authentic, Intention, Forever Changed, Becoming
Grief, Loss, Love, Peace, Calm, Happiness, Content
Human, Intimate, Being, Self, Identity
Guilt, Regret, Remorse, Emptiness
Longing, Momentary, Fleeting
So this is going to be a bit of an odd one I think. So I am coming up on my 25th anniversary, and I was walking with a friend through the mall. She roamed off to buy chocolate which didn't surprise me at all :D. I roamed over to the Lego store. Now I hear some of you giggling, I know, weird right? Anyway, I walked in and sitting there on the self was a 50th anniversary Apollo Lander with a Lego mission patch. I tried to turn around and walk out, and I couldn't, I tried not to do it, but…Continue
All of the big anniversaries with Arlene fall between her birthday, May 7th and July 6th. Early June is a killer for me, June 2nd is when she was found unresponsive in her room in the rehab, heart attack and stroke, and she passed on June 10th, yesterday was 4 years. This year, the "season" hit me harder I think than all of the other years, to the point where I was getting physically ill, nerves, stomach and digestive problems. Dammit I'm in year five, this shouldn't be hitting me like this…Continue
So 19 months tomorrow and I am starting to come to the realization that I am not interested in the things I 'should' be doing but I am interested again. I went through a relationship recently which was supposed to be friends and I tried to keep inside that line but my mind slipped well beyond that and when I let the emotion of that out, I scared off my friend and lost a really good friend. It happens, the emotion of two people who lost someone very close to them colliding together clearly…Continue
Sometimes I find myself reliving the past, obsessing over an event or conversation, anything and everything from those last hours in hospice to a vague memory of our very first date and like the lyrics below "I can't get myself to go away".
I'm sorry 'bout the attitude
I need to give when I'm with you
But no one else would take this shit from me
And I'm so
Terrified of no one else but me
I'm here all the time
I won't go away
Today was my birthday. It was unusually cold for the 4th of June with wild winds and heavy rain. I anticipated a nothing doing sort of day but decided to go and have coffee with the Muffin Break gang (mostly six to eight older folks) as I usually do and my daughter came and found me there. She said she had come to take me out to lunch which was lovely. She had checked my home and church first so third time lucky. She wanted her coming down to be a surprise and it was.