Exactly one month has passed since you lost consciousness in my arms never to wake up again before you passed the same evening in the hospital. We knew the lung cancer would eventually claim you unless we were granted a miracle which we were still hoping and praying for. I remember it like it was yesterday how I had to help you to the restroom and back to the bed and how you slowly were fading. I kept asking loudly "Can I please call an ambulance, sweetie!!" but you kept saying you were…Continue
Don't tell me that you understand:
Don't tell me that you know...
Don't tell me that I will surely survive
How I will surely grow...
Don't tell me this is just a test
That I am truly blessed...
That I am chosen for the task,
Apart from all the rest...
Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me..
Don't tell me that my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free...
Don't stand in…Continue
I'm going to be moving at the end of December. The condo complex where I will be buying has washers and dryers built in, so I have a GE washer and Kenmore dryer I won't need. Before I try to sell them, I'm offering them to any widow that could use them for free. I'm in Anaheim, CA, and could deliver them a reasonable distance.
Let me know by about Dec. 15 if you want them.
Cant seem to get out of bed and start my day. Even though its the middle of the afternoon. I cant seem to function without you today, yesterday was a different story. I was even, I could look at your picture without my heart jumping out of my chest. God gave me peace yesterday. I dont know what happened today, but I dont want to start the day. Maybe later, then after that maybe later still....First dream I have of you since...since then. We were going to your families for Thankgiving,…Continue
Dan always liked the short story by Harlan Ellison, I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream. It’s about five people forced to live in a postapocalyptic world in which they are tortured by a supercomputer, AM, who won’t even let them kill themselves. They eventually figure out that they can kill each other though. AM manages to prevent the last character from being killed, and turns him into a giant blob so that he cannot possibly hurt himself. Consequently, he lacks the ability to scream,…Continue
August 30, 2012 was the worst day of my life. That was the day Leland was taken to emergency and they found the massive hemorrhage in his brain and we all knew that nothing more could be done. For a couple of months I've been numb to stuff...nothing is really good, nothing is really bad. Since my time in Miami, I'm more like my old self...vibrant and alive and crazy and funny. Yesterday I had an old fashion bad day. The computer that "runs" my entire classroom would only open in safe…Continue
How did you guys (and girls) take care of your partner's clothes? It felt like climbing Mount Kilimanjaro, until my kids came in and helped out. Then it felt like a fun dress-up party. Here is how I remember.
SUNDAY, November 29 – Sleepless night. The first since Jennifer’s death. I stagger to the john and try, in vain, to piss away yesterday’s skid marks. Then, I happen to see the shelf with the toilet freshener and some candles. There’s also a mug with a toothbrush, and a…Continue
The local Patch ran a story on Robbie and Robbie's video. I also got an email from local news station interested in possibly doing a story on him too.
I'm so proud of him! The last 8 months have been hell on all of us, and he's amazed me by turning our tragedy into a way to help bring more awareness to organ donation.
Robbie Carroll is honoring his late father in this…Continue
Recently I had the occasion to be reminded why I haven't spent a lot of time trying to meet and cultivate new friendships over the past several…
I'm really down. Seriously, I don't know how much lower it can possibly get right now. I keep thinking the Lord has something in store for me, for us, but I can't see it. As my pastor said on Sunday "Are we there yet?". That's how I'm feeling. I'm trusting in the Lord for his guidance, but I'm weary and tired already. Life wasn't suppose to turn out like this. Dazed and confused seem to hold me hostage right now. I go on for the girls, I help them cope and struggle daily without…Continue
I'm trying very hard to remember that I had something wonderful that not everybody gets. True love.
I was watching that widow show, Go On and one of the characters asked the widowed protagonist how do you know if you love someone? And he responded, "If you don't know, you know. You know?"
I know I love Dan, deeply, with everything in my heart. In the end, as his alcoholism took the man I loved and warped him, that was harder to see. But I did love him, and I still…
The following are notes I made before our Sunday sermon (7-11-10). These were ideas that the Holy Spirit placed upon my heart. This was a year before we found out that my wife had cancer. After these notes---our sermon started, and I’ve included the notes that I took as our Pasteur spoke to us. I have often found that shortly before our Sunday sermon, the Holy Spirit would speak to my heart.
I just found these notes today. My wife passed away almost a year ago. My…Continue
When Ed died October 1, 2012 that was not the day that my personal living hell started...NOT for me...When the doctors at the hospital pronouced Ed Brain Dead that is when it all started that was September 28th, 2012 they rushed Ed back into the operating room for additional surgery. We were told it would be several hours before they would be complete so Stephanie and I headed down to the cafiteria but we didn't even sit down for very long when we got the call that the neurosurgeon…
I feel like I'm constantly thinking of more and more reasons why this sucks, why it's so unfair. Obviously, it's unbearable, the most unspeakable agony, because I miss him. I miss his jokes, his laugh, his hugs. I grieve for him. But there are other things, dreams he took with him, that I must grieve as well.
We conceived our daughter through in vitro fertilization. Through that process we also gained four frozen embryos. Although we were struggling in our marriage the last few…Continue
I cant do this anymore. I just want to disappear and re appear in your arms. Im not strong enough to do this. I am so not a complete person. You were the other half of my heart. I wish I had more years with you..we planned so much for our future. We planned to grow old together. We planned to hit the road and just keep going. Just us. Now your gone and I feel like Im going insane. I reach for you at night and your not there. I walk in the house and your not here. I leave and you…Continue
I had a couple of days off this week due to Thanksgiving, which in turn gave me way too much time on my hands and the opportunity to think. Never a good idea in my case. I was going thru a bunch of paperwork and I came across my notes from when I had my session with the medium back in August. One particular phrase kept jumping out at me. "Goodbyes are overrated" At the time I didnt really think about it too much, there was so much other information to digest. But now I cant get that…Continue
I'd like to share with you how I felt after a month. Physically, that is. Missing her body, her warmth, her softness, and especially the fear of forgetting that. So I wrote it down, like a maniac, afraid I wouldn't remember. (For your information, this is today's entry of my www.diaryofawidower.com about the first year after my wife's death in 2009.)
THURSDAY, November 26 – How long will it be before…Continue
We have all seen the signs or said them ouselves is that "Accidents happen", "Divorce happens", "Shit happens" and "Change happens" but the one we haven't seen or said is the uncomfortable one that "Grief Happens". The little things that trigger our grief like the memories, a fleeting thought, a song, a phrase, a word or any number of things can trigger the grief we feel on this journey. It happens when we least expect it. Sometimes it seems for us that it comes at the…Continue
Hello Again !
Forgot to mention the outfit I'm wearing in the Thanksgiving evening pic I bought on one of my trips.
To be exact it was July 2011 in Charlotte North Carolina. Visiting friends who had just built their new home.
Shopping with my girlfriend and her two cousins also friends. The three of us flew together to Charlotte for a week.
Went in a thrift store so I could look for golf accessories only had lady hunting sold out of golf.
Oh well, that's…Continue
Added by Drewlady on November 25, 2012 at 5:42pm — No Comments