You never know what you are going to wake up to on any given day. That was especially true today as I got an early morning phone call from a friend telling me his brother and sister-in-law lost their baby during delivery this morning. My heart instantly broke for them all, however it wasn't until he stopped by the office did it sink in how much pain he is in.

I can't imagine living through that specific situation, but what I can relate to is the pain of loss, the confusion of death…

Continue

Thankful to have my two grown sons at my house spending time with their mom. I always treasured my time with them, but since their dad has been gone it has become even more so. Sending Thanksgiving good wishes to all sharing this journey.

Every year since Ray died I have had a week of anxiety as I plan the last six weeks of the year. Gone are the days when our children rang and said: "What are we doing for Christmas this year Mum?".  Now I ring them and they say:  "I don't know, I never plan that far ahead." It seems the present generation doesn't plan the way we did, they just rush out at the last moment and buy a few things and that is it. I know with the boys they always depended on their wives to do all the planning,…

Continue

There are those memoirs or blogs or random stories of people who will tell you that something beautiful came out the death of their loved one. That they found their true calling or that they became more empathetic and kind, or that suddenly the fragility of life made them looked around and they became a better person in their world because of that death. Shut-up already, I haven't heard one actual person I know say that.

I don’t personally know one single person that has…

Continue

Working into year 4. I will turn 44 soon.

I have come to a few interesting turning points in learning who the new me is. 

The first was the moments after when I realized that I NEVER HAD TO STOP LOVING HIM.  He was and is mine for as long as I live. Till death do we part is BS!  I stopped trying to push his memories out and embrace and remember them instead.  I once told a friend that I cry when I miss him because it is my love for him that baths my cheeks.  It has to…

Continue

Hi, I'm not sure if this is the right pace to post.  But I blog about being widow.  Writing has helped me.  I have gotten some kind comments from other widowed folk that my writing has been useful to them.  I recently put up an article on the lasting guilt I felt  from being a very flawed…

Continue

27  years together and then you left me. Not because you wanted to leave, you had no choice in the matter.

Cancer called the shots. You fought back that alien, you didn't lose that fight. How could you lose, you were

a strong 60-years young, American man, full of life, strength, muscle,  heart,  DIY man, my man.

I would call you "my beautiful man", remember you would laugh at that?  I can't remember why I started calling you that…

Continue

This coming Tuesday, Nov 10 will be 4 years, 9 months.

So much has changed since my Hubby was here.

The summer was super long this year, we've only just went down in temps here in California 1 week ago.

Back in the year 2011 (the year hubby passed) summer was over in September. My hubby's oldest grandson (from his previous marriage) now has a child of his own, would be my husband's first great-granddaughter. Also, this year one of my hubby's sisters passed away at the…

Continue

Hi. I am new to this site. I was widowed suddenly in 213. My wonderful husband aged 54 died of a cardiac arrest. The pain of his loss and trauma from witnessing it and feeling so helpless to save him will be with me forever. How ones life can change so abruptly and so totally! We were married 36 years and he was a fun kind adventourous man who still had much to give. It has been a struggle coming to terms with. I have kept busy but find it is still hard carrying on alone. At 60 I don't want to… Continue

Sometimes I sit alone and think about life, about what was, what is and sometimes what may one day be. I am getting ready for a couple of changes in my life so I am thinking about that.  My daughter and her family will be moving closer in January so I will maybe have more involvement with them, my younger son is still gong through a separation that will maybe lead to divorce and that will bring a change, my daughter in law (soon to be ex-DIL) is talking about moving so that will mean I may…

Continue

Music has always been a large part of my life. Maybe it started in high school when my brother and I started a band.. ..kind of like Marty Mcfly and the Pinheads only more like that upstart group "The Beatles". However it began, it never ended. Oh the band broke up alright but the music stayed inside. It was more than just the melody. It was the lyrics. I saw the words. I felt the words. They spoke to me about every emotion I could  ever have experienced. When my first wife divorced me she…

Continue