I wake up and I'm mad that he's not here still.

I talk to him like he's here and I think it's frustrating that he's not. I'm sick of the phone ringing. If one more person asks, how are you?... I'm gonna scream. How the heck do you think I am. My husband, my friend, my ace, my body heat in the bed, my lover, my friend, my other half is gone. So I don't answer the phone. I'm not…

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Well, the offer goes in on the house today.  I actually liked one better, but it was already under contract, and since I'm under a time crunch, I didn't want to risk losing the other one or waiting around and not being able to find something in time.  I really did like the other, but the one that I'm putting an offer in is really nice, too.  And the first one we looked at.  Really, all it needs is some rooms painted, but I'd expected that no matter what I buy.

I'll be right by the…

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I miss you, Punkin... terribly. I've decided to shut the world out, with the exception of the kids, for the weekend. These past 17 days have been the hardest and most painful of my life. I'm cooking your peanut's favorite today. STEAK! Lol.

She's hoping I cook it like you and I hope I'm able to do it justice. Let's not forget the green beans. Wish me luck on those. These kids keep me going. No one else seems to understand. They try, but they can't begin to understand how I feel. Hell,…

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My six month relationship is over.  It was nice having someone to go out with on Wednesdays and Saturdays, I enjoyed the company, the meals out (we each paid our own way), the long conversations and the feeling that someone cared about me but regretfully my man friend found it "too complicated" and we agreed to stop.  So I still see him around the place as we shop in the same place and he still came to our church market today but that is all, we smile and stop and say a few sentences, then…

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I went to see the new Harry Potter movie in IMAX. You would've loved that. I was with the kids, and I smuggled in a bottle of wine. You would have loved that, too. We never did get around to me making you watch Eurotrip. Or The Little Mermaid. I mean, seriously, how could you have literally lived your entire life and not seen The Little Mermaid. The new Doctor Who Christmas Special will be in the theatres. The new Star Wars is coming out soon, too. I'm sorry you won't be with me. I'm sorry…

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I have a new blogpost on getting through the holidays after loss. I'm shifting my perspective, trying to laugh at the absurdity and feeling a bit of gratitude. It's here: http://www.thehungoverwidow.com/widowed-over-the-holidays/. It's also a paean to my broken dishwasher.

(No it’s not a Willie Nelson song)

I don’t think I understood the struggles of widows until now. I never understood it when someone said, “I don’t know how to live without him.” My judgmental mind seemed to think that this was a person that lacked independence.  Did they not know how to pay the bills, or cook, or whatever, without their spouse?  But this was before. And I apologize, right now, for thinking that about anyone.…

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Sigh.  Me and my big mouth.

I got a letter from the land lady informing me that they're selling the house in January.  So I'm now boxing everything BACK up and taking down everything that I just finished doing.  

After originally thinking I'd end up renting again - I hadn't planned on buying a house for a few more years yet, on a whim, I put in an application for a first time home buyer's loan.  Approved.  A bit lower amount than I'd like, and I'll do some nasty things to my…

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Sending this out especially to those who are more recently widowed. It’s been a little over four years since Cindy passed. We were married for 28 years and we were best of friends for 37 years. We had that “storybook” relationship, marriage and family life.

It was so hard to even imagine life without Cindy for so long. That first year, words cannot even begin to describe it, but I don’t have to tell you…

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anyone else out there losing their minds single parenting?

I am.

I am at 8 and 1/2 months I have been working on the house for the past few months kitchen painted and a new floor family room dinning room and living room almost done the hard wood floors will be put in in a few weeks that is the only thing I can not do myself. I have been keeping myself busy but worried what will I do after the house is done. 2 nights ago my 21 year old told me she is going to have a baby. My first grandchild will be entering this world on or around January 8th. She was so… Continue

The office is an office and organized.  Decor is finished, the PC that belongs in there is hooked up and running at a fully functional desk, and all 3 monitors are happy.  My art room is fully decorated, functional, clean, organized, and all the projects that had been piled on my work table have been fixed, repaired, or otherwise addressed.  The guest room is fully decorated in a Haunted Mansion theme, blacklight is up, accent lighting is up.  I need to buy the guest bed when the funds are…

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How can I put away the evidence of our life together? How can I erase Alan’s life from my home? Of course, I can’t, but I almost feel like that’s what I’m trying to do when I went through some of his things yesterday.  I couldn’t get rid of anything, so I put it in the attic. The process isn’t even close to finished, but I know it is something I have to do.  I definitely have mixed feelings about it.…

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