Authentic, Intention, Forever Changed, Becoming
Grief, Loss, Love, Peace, Calm, Happiness, Content
Human, Intimate, Being, Self, Identity
Guilt, Regret, Remorse, Emptiness
Longing, Momentary, Fleeting
So this is going to be a bit of an odd one I think. So I am coming up on my 25th anniversary, and I was walking with a friend through the mall. She roamed off to buy chocolate which didn't surprise me at all :D. I roamed over to the Lego store. Now I hear some of you giggling, I know, weird right? Anyway, I walked in and sitting there on the self was a 50th anniversary Apollo Lander with a Lego mission patch. I tried to turn around and walk out, and I couldn't, I tried not to do it, but…Continue
All of the big anniversaries with Arlene fall between her birthday, May 7th and July 6th. Early June is a killer for me, June 2nd is when she was found unresponsive in her room in the rehab, heart attack and stroke, and she passed on June 10th, yesterday was 4 years. This year, the "season" hit me harder I think than all of the other years, to the point where I was getting physically ill, nerves, stomach and digestive problems. Dammit I'm in year five, this shouldn't be hitting me like this…Continue
So 19 months tomorrow and I am starting to come to the realization that I am not interested in the things I 'should' be doing but I am interested again. I went through a relationship recently which was supposed to be friends and I tried to keep inside that line but my mind slipped well beyond that and when I let the emotion of that out, I scared off my friend and lost a really good friend. It happens, the emotion of two people who lost someone very close to them colliding together clearly…Continue
Sometimes I find myself reliving the past, obsessing over an event or conversation, anything and everything from those last hours in hospice to a vague memory of our very first date and like the lyrics below "I can't get myself to go away".
I'm sorry 'bout the attitude
I need to give when I'm with you
But no one else would take this shit from me
And I'm so
Terrified of no one else but me
I'm here all the time
I won't go away
Today was my birthday. It was unusually cold for the 4th of June with wild winds and heavy rain. I anticipated a nothing doing sort of day but decided to go and have coffee with the Muffin Break gang (mostly six to eight older folks) as I usually do and my daughter came and found me there. She said she had come to take me out to lunch which was lovely. She had checked my home and church first so third time lucky. She wanted her coming down to be a surprise and it was.
Recently I called my investment company to make a withdrawal. The representative, who sounded quite young, introduced himself as Matthew and reminded me that we were on a recorded line.
“Let me look up your account,” I recall him saying after the preliminaries. “I see your husband passed away recently. I’m sorry for your loss.”
Well, time marches on. It's now been about 18 months since the love of my life left this world. I did join a good support group and attended this for about 15 months. But now I am feeling like I need to remove the 'training wheels' and go on my own. I can't say it's particularly easy. It's not. But now I have the perspective that I'm definitely not alone in walking the lonely and harrowing path of grief. I say harrowing because unless someone has actually been through this, they…Continue
I just started my second year of grief. The only difference is it is not as fierce this time. I do not think I am going to die. I realize I will live another year through the grief without him. Grief will not kill you. It only feels like it will.
Over the years, Paul and I enjoyed the support of a local group of parents of kids who have special needs...they are wonderful, and we were blessed over and over for the support we found there. When he died, I was moved from the couples group to the single moms...which I understood, but am unable to embrace. This is part of my farewell email to the head of the group - and part of my new found permission to myself to redefine who I am now...instead of others being allowed t…Continue
Well, they say it gets easier. I wish I knew, if that were true. It’s almost been five months now, and it still doesn’t even seem real. I find my mind wandering, in a fog, just not even functioning at all. I guess if I were to take a poll, people would think that it looks like it’s getting easier, easier than it was 3 months ago at least. Every day, I miss him. Every day, I miss Ericka. I shut my eyes and I imagine them as they were, Ericka in Washington, Rick in his chair. They visit me in…Continue
I'm a few days away from it being 4 months since Jim passed away. A couple people I know and respect came to me last week both with the same concern that I'm not grieving, I'm avoiding. Aside from all the stuff I have had to take care of in the beginning, like we all do, Jim gave me a list of things to do. The first was I couldn't run away, the second make all my appointments and take care of me. Over the last few years I haven't done much of that and he was…Continue
As some of you might know, I've been having one bad thing after another happen recently. Roof leaking, dishwasher breaking, me breaking stuff in the house, never ending home repairs, plus an ongoing health problem. So I was told recently, that my nephew and his girlfriend are expecting a child, this will add Great Uncle to my current title of Crazy Uncle. I am beyond thrilled that this is happening, except for one thing, my nephew's girlfriend and the new addition, will never know Arlene.…Continue
I MISS... THE SOUND OF YOU WALKING AROUND IN THE HOUSE
I MISS... THE CLOTHES YOU ALWAYS LEFT ON THE CLOSET FLOOR
I MISS... YOU TOUCHING ME WITH YOUR FOOT IN BED
I MISS... BEING ABLE TO TALK TO YOU
I MISS... YOU'RE SMILING FACE
I MISS... US SITTING WATCHING TV TOGETHER
I MISS... YOUR BOISTEROUS LAUGH
I MISS... YOUR TOUCH
I MISS... THE…Continue
Iwell started off the year unemployed. Found a job but then my roommates decided to downsize and asked me to move out. Found a side gig to help me make ends meet but it wipes me out. Looking forward to a trip to Alaska and everyone around me is so negative about me going and enjoying myself except a few. I haven’t had a real vacation in over 12 years and these people just can’t stand it that I might actually have some fun and have something positive to talk and laugh about.…Continue
Added by Daisy on April 18, 2019 at 7:46am — No Comments
Husband died July 11, 2019 At this point in time, I still cry a lot and feel scared of what’s ahead. Others think we should have moved on at this point. Little do they know, that there is no moving on but moving through. It is a long process and I have accepted this. No easy way, no easy answers. Just taking baby steps so to speak. Read all I can to heal. Have several wonderful books to carry me through and my church. Just checking in to say hi and you are all in my thoughts. I know what it…Continue
Got a call on my cell while I was at work today asking for the diabetic in the family, meaning Arlene. So I reacted the way I usually do now, I nicely tell them that she isn't here, but that I can give them the phone number where she is. Then I gave them the phone number to the cemetery, and tell them not to take "There is nobody there by that name" for an answer, because I then tell them "I was there yesterday, she is there, but she didn't say a word".
I'm going to Hell…Continue
When will I stop counting the days?
Loneliness seems deeper daily. I miss Rick. I miss Erica. Apparently this is the new normal.
I’m trying to find joy, but it’s so hard. I know this will never be easy, people say it will get easier. I think I would be happy with just easier. Each day seems to last forever. I’m looking for an escape route. But there isn’t one. I don’t ever wanna forget, I just wanna be able to get through the day without crying. They say if you hold your…Continue
Added by Marina on April 14, 2019 at 9:14am — No Comments
I just returned from my son's elementary school performance. The chorus sang 'Remember Me', from the movie Coco.
Could not hold it in, the tears were flowing. Every time I hear this song, I hear my husband singing the words to me and also have flashes
of him singing and rocking his sons to sleep when they were newborns. Cherish the memories, yet so painful that he is no longer physically present.
Here are the lyrics:
Though I have to say goodbye…
I wish I could get off this roller coaster,
I wish I could get off this ride.
I wish I could get a refund.
You will be just fine - they lied.
Or maybe this is a merry-go-round,
At this point I’m just not sure.
My fear is that it’s only begun,
And my existence is just a blur.