I cry at the laughter
I laugh through the tears
I dance with the sobs
Counting minutes, missing years…
I love you through my pain
I love you through my loss
I love you through the tears
I'll love you still, through our lost years
You loved me when I couldn't
You loved me when I wouldn't…Continue
….that is the title of a well known grief support seminar series. A well thought out, well researched, well constructed and, most of all, well intentioned series of videos.
From Mourning to Joy…..
I've been thinking about the word survivor and why it's what we are called.
Last night I had a very scary medical drama, (I'm fine) but this morning I woke up and thought about it a little bit. My first thought was, "Well now I've survived my first serious health scare without my sweet Jerry." I am rocking or maybe I should say wobbling though widdahood. I've "survived" though a plethora of minor catastrophes, okay so maybe they were just household upheavals but anyway, I…
During a regular old average conversation last week in the chat room, we talked about "happy places". It was then that I realized, my happy place is gone. Jerry's arms have always been my refuge, my delight, my happy place. Since that conversation, I've been feeling small and a little bit lost. Unsheltered, unrested, and undone! Perhaps it's because the 6-month mark is approaching. I'm not sure how, as time seems to be altered to me. Jerry died, yesterday, last week, last night and 5…Continue
Does this ever get easier or do you ever find yourself again? I feel as the anniversary of Kenny's death approaches that I feel more and more alone even when there are others around. Maybe I'm being self-centered...I don't know but I feel I've lost not only him but myself and my happiness. As this day approaches next month I feel the heaviness in my chest and the dread of reliving the dreadful day.
I was alone for Mother's Day but did get the texts from my sons and a phone call from my daughter and spoke to both of her children so I was okay. Ray never made much of Mother's Day , I was the one who bought the presents for us all and nice cards for our Mums so my boys followed him in that. Boys need a good example to be set for them. It was one of his failings I guess that he didn't see the example he was setting. He always said he showed he cared by the way he worked for us not by the…Continue
It's been 5 long hard months since the day my sweet, wild, and wonderful Jerry passed away. It's been a real struggle to grow, and keep learning. Sometimes, I pushed myself, sometimes others have pushed me. Then there were the times when I threw in the towel and just had a bad day! Grief is hard work and it's taken me on one helluva ride. (Okay, stop I'd like to get off here.)....
Unfortunately, getting off isn't an option. I loved hard, therefore I grieve hard. I wouldn't change a…Continue
I hate when memories sneak up on you. Days you should remember, days that should stick out, somehow get lost in the shuffle of grief and sneak up on you unawares. I'm a Millenial, so of course it was Facebook that reminded me this morning: 4 years ago Debbie & Shane Got Engaged! The post showed photos we were tagged in together--a glimpse into our relationship...from wedding photos, to a photo of his urn with our wedding rings on top of it and a picture of us kissing in the background. I…Continue
In reflecting back a decade ago when I became a widow, there was much confusion about the meaning of "identity". There was a particular word that caused many flame wars, it was the word "independent". Many widows were hurt by it, they felt condescended &/or dismissed. Their role as a housewife, mother or low wage employee was seemingly reduced - interpreted as being a dependent similar to a child. Their love for their spouse that him/her happy & safe as well other contributions were…Continue
It has been over five years since you left. In that time, I bought a house and sold it and moved again. I found a man who cares about me, and after we spent many months traveling across this nation, we decided to commit to a relationship. Most days life is wonderful and safe and comfortable again. There are some days -- and sleepless nights -- that still feel lonely and confusing. Today in my reading I found a sentence that helps me understand this mish-mash of emotions: "…Continue
Have you gotten to the point that you can see clearly? Do you know what you need to do to march beyond the grief into a future that is full of mystery and possibilities, yet be afraid to make a move towards your goal?
I'm at that point, I am so tired of living between worlds. I'm tired of moods that change as easily as the tide. However, to me, it seems it takes a whole bunch of courage to move into the great unknown. I have never had the courage to really put myself out…
It's been awhile since I've had anything to say. Profound sadness has had me locked up in a choke hold. I tend to retreat within myself during those times. Like a clam closing, it's shell. I'm feeling a little better, okay actually I'm feeling a lot better. From somewhere in my little clam world the theme from Rocky begin playing on a loop in my head. …
I read some of my blogs and it is obvious that I am not coping, sometimes I am a l little down, perhaps a bit sad and fragile. Well not this week. I have a six day visit from my younger son and his daughter, my youngest grand daughter and the place was noisy, sometimes joyful, sometimes full of the drama five year olds generate. Never a dull moment. Plenty of activity, we visited four beaches in five days ( one day off because of rain) and as she lives in a dry town on the edge of the…Continue
It is funny the contradiction I have become. I complain about routines being messed up or being painful, and wanting to change things up. But then I want the routine to be there when I am ready for it. Yesterday I found out that a restaurant my wife and I went to frequently was filing Chapter 11. This place is one of the oldest memories I have of taking my wife to dinner. Yes they are a chain but I was a student and could only afford so much. I freaked out a little bit about this…Continue
As the days, weeks, now months have slowly passed since my wife died, I had things I had to do. Busy work yes, but it wasn't something I had ever done before. These required changes to my day. Getting up early, contacting random companies and people, going out of my way. It was torture but it kept things moving in a direction. I now wish there was more I had to do that was required just to keep me busy.
Unfortunately, just the other day I woke up, got myself ready in the morning…Continue
Gilbert died five months ago, and I'm beginning to realize that the Old Melissa died with him. Now I have to invent the New Melissa or allow her to surface; I'm not sure how it works.
It's so odd to suddenly not have a routine. I don't have to wear ear buds if I want to listen to music in bed late at night. The dog doesn't mind if it's noisy at 2:00 am. I can eat dinner at three in the afternoon or midnight and nobody cares. I don't have to cook for anybody…Continue
Today is Easter Saturday, fine and mild with an overcast sky first thing this morning though it has warmed up since then. Easter is another one of those family times so friends ask the widow: " Will you see your family over the weekend?" And the widow smiles and says nothing because what is there to say? Long gone are the days when the kids rang me to see what I was doing for the weekend. We had that when their Dad as alive but not now. Being Mum and Dad seems to be treated differently to…Continue
All these rooms contain your depth, your breath
Your thoughts on how they should look and feel
The wall unit you built in the dining room
Notwithstanding a few colorful adjectives
Prior to its completion
Filled to the brim with lovely memories
The kitchen you declared the best room in the house
The aroma of your cooking, your gift to many
The floor that the contractor said would be ready to dance on by the…Continue
As I started down this path of rebuilding my life without my wife, I had nothing but good intentions. Clear up some things that needed to be done so that I didn't have to keep revisiting this chapter over and over again. It seemed simple. Change names on bank accounts, close out credit cards, update insurance policies. I jumped into the financial morass quickly and with a fevered pitch. Filing this or that. Organizing what I had to do next was a way of compartmentalizing the thing I…Continue