(Marcus and I were only married one week shy of four months when he was killed in a work accident. We’re only 32. We’d only been together for a little over 2 years. We spent 15 years apart before reconnecting (high school sweethearts). I’ll write a more in-depth post at some point about my story, but that’s the Cliff Notes version for reference on this post.)
So many people try to compare their hurts and trials to…Continue
I've read many articles, books, and post about grief coming in layers, like that of an onion. I've read about how grief changes a person. So, I say to myself okay bring it on. I imagined the metamorphosis to gently take place like that of a graceful butterfly emerging from its cocoon. It was a lovely visualization I had, the changes within would come on softly, over time without me even realizing changes were taking place. I'd wake up one day and be a whole person again. Looking…Continue
I am dusting in my bedroom and my Granny's music box starts playing. I knew the song but not much about the lyrics. When I looked them up I realized how much they mean to me now at this stage in my life. So if there are signs from our loved ones I do believe I got one today <3
To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go
To right the unrightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from…
Today some very bad thunderstorms were passing thru the area. I am really scared by thunder and lightning. When Tony was at work he would call when he knew the weather was getting bad. He would talk to me as long as he could to calm my fears. When the thunder and lighting would strike he could hear the shakiness in my voice. He would say "Its ok baby its just a big boom boom it will pass " I would laugh because it would sound so silly to have to talk to a grown woman that way.
One of the hardest things I struggle with is the constant battle between the child of God and the human self. Between good and bad. Between my heart and my soul. This battle takes many forms.
Sometimes, grieving me wanting to yell at God: “Why did You take him? What did I do? What did he do? Marcus put his life back together and now he’s dead…Continue
Yesterday I had my PET scan, 25 minutes in a small plastic tunnel. This was my second so not as scary as the first. Laying there with my eyes shut is an agonizing exercise for me so I use visualisation as a method of coping. This time I used our three years in a small coastal town, trying to remember the neighborhood, the routine with our children in the little school down the road, the way of life we had in that place. We had some good times there so it was a pleasant experience for me,…Continue
Today is July 4th. Saturday we would have been married for 32 years. Once upon a time,we considered vow renewal for our 30th. Life had other plans. Martin was unemployed in the year before he passed and had just landed a new job. We had no life insurance. A perk of employment, and naturally believing in "what could go wrong?". Yes. The "joke" was on me. Us. But not really. Everything was right in our world when he died. It's only not right in mine because he is not here to be my back-up.…Continue
How will I ever make peace with the Never Again
I will Never Again hear you say "Hi Pumpkin I am Home or what is cooking good looking"
I will Never Again hold your hand as we walk down the street or feel your hand at the small of my back and know that I am protected
I will Never Again laugh at your stupid jokes or have you hold me when I cry
I will Never Again have you to calm me when I am scared or listen to me talk for hours
I will Never Again kiss your…Continue
How has it already been six months?! Just yesterday we were standing together, shoulder to shoulder, us against the world, ready to conquer it as part of our life adventure. Yet at the same time, it feels like a lifetime since I last touched you.
I don't feel courageous today, my Prince. I'm lost without you. So alone in this chapter. Surrounded by love but unable to embrace it. Despite their efforts, our wonderful friends…
Today would have been our 32nd wedding anniversary...She's been gone for 3yrs. I feel so numb, empty and lifeless.
Nobody loves me. I don't mean nobody cares about me, I am sure my family does and maybe a few special friends but nobody LOVES me. I am not the centre of anyone's world. I am not needed by someone, I am not someone's main concern. I know it doesn't make sense that I am crying for that reason but I am. I am crying because I see couples all the time sitting together, shopping together, talking together and I am envious. I want to be part of that kind of world. I don't want to be part of that…Continue
It seems like it has been a really long time since I last posted. Still not having any issues with loneliness like I had in the past, but I have also been reluctant to claim victory because I have not accomplished all my goals. One of my goals is to obtain work where I can afford not just to financially support my self but also to have a life outside of work. Right now my job is making that impossible. It’s one thing to want to live with someone else when it’s your choice to live with them.…Continue
Added by Daisy on June 27, 2018 at 10:00pm — No Comments
My husband passed in August 2012. I was in a grief group, an excellent group, for a couple of years and I was also active on this site for a while. I have not been on it for a couple of years. I’m not so sure that I am making good progress in getting on with my life. I cry every day, not much, not long, but I still cry. I have one son who is 46 who has had a physical and learning disability since he was eight. I am trying to think of good words to say this but I don’t know how much longer…Continue
WELL, My Dearest,
We made it....our first Fathers Day without you! I have to admit I was a basket case the days leading up to Sunday. Generally, the kids and I would be wrapped up in getting you that "perfect" gift. This year I was going to get you that new recliner you always wanted....your Pammie was sure to get daddy something special and of course Howard was the one to get you something funny. Kevin, our oldest always was the first to call and the grandkids jumped…Continue
Added by DIVA70 on June 18, 2018 at 9:48am — No Comments
I seem to have been busy in the past few weeks. I went to my son's in Broken Hill for a week as planned. The wrap on my thigh in addition to the stocking worked well on the flights. The extra padding did feel as if I was wearing part of a suit of armour. As it is regional airline and a small plane with narrow steps I did have some trouble with getting off tne plane but that was really the only problem with flying. Negotiating the local transport and the airport was no trouble as I have…Continue
I cry at the laughter
I laugh through the tears
I dance with the sobs
Counting minutes, missing years…
I love you through my pain
I love you through my loss
I love you through the tears
I'll love you still, through our lost years
You loved me when I couldn't
You loved me when I wouldn't…Continue
….that is the title of a well known grief support seminar series. A well thought out, well researched, well constructed and, most of all, well intentioned series of videos.
From Mourning to Joy…..
I've been thinking about the word survivor and why it's what we are called.
Last night I had a very scary medical drama, (I'm fine) but this morning I woke up and thought about it a little bit. My first thought was, "Well now I've survived my first serious health scare without my sweet Jerry." I am rocking or maybe I should say wobbling though widdahood. I've "survived" though a plethora of minor catastrophes, okay so maybe they were just household upheavals but anyway, I…
During a regular old average conversation last week in the chat room, we talked about "happy places". It was then that I realized, my happy place is gone. Jerry's arms have always been my refuge, my delight, my happy place. Since that conversation, I've been feeling small and a little bit lost. Unsheltered, unrested, and undone! Perhaps it's because the 6-month mark is approaching. I'm not sure how, as time seems to be altered to me. Jerry died, yesterday, last week, last night and 5…Continue