None of my children or grandchildren came to me for Mother's Day this year which was a bit sad. I did get a phone call from each of my sons and daughter but no cards or presents this year. It was my own fault as I offered to do the sermon at church on that day at both services so our two paid clergy could have their time with their families, first grandchild for one, three grandchildren visiting from another state for the other. Next year it will be my turn to have the day off. Now I am…Continue
It's been a little over 4 years since my Husband died of cancer. He was my soul mate and best friend for 31 years. It has been a rough journey going on without him. I have made many changes to my life and I finally feel like I am going to be alright. I am much stronger than I ever thought I was. I still feel the loneliness but not all the time like in the beginning of this journey. My constants have been my 2 Daughters and my Grandson. They are the most important people in my…Continue
It’s been eight months today since I lost my soulmate. I still miss everything about him – his smile, his jokes, his hugs, and more… And still, somehow, I have managed to live on this planet eight months without him. I feel sad that I haven’t seen him in eight months, and believe it or…Continue
11 months out. My brain is still programmed to expect her. I still wake up sad and the house is so disappointingly empty. She is supposed to be at the table drinking coffee and reading the paper. Then go to the closet and pick a beautiful pressed shirt to wear to work. She always looked fabulous. Every morning is a disappointment. At least I don't wake up crying any more. I just wake up sad.
I feel as if…Continue
I'm 11 months out. I’m starting to enjoy the freedom of being single. I did not want the freedom of being single. I would prefer to have my wife, my soul mate, my better half. I'd do anything to have my old life back. It was happy and carefree. We had 17 years of love and respect. But since I’m single, I now see that I can enjoy this too. I feel a little bit guilty, but not very guilty because I know she's smiling down at me saying YES! Enjoy yourself when you can!!
It is Saturday, the day before Mother's Day. Mothers Day is falling on the 13th this year. I wonder, is that a sign of bad luck? For me maybe, as it is the first Mothers Day without my soulmate. For without him, I would not have become a mother and have reason to celebrate the day. A few months ago this 'hallmark holiday' did not enter my mind as one that was going to be difficult. Fathers Day ...yes, for sure, but not Mothers Day. It was not until earlier this week that once again, the…Continue
Grief is ever present in my life. It has defined my existence since September 16 of last year. Every moment of every day, I am reminded of the great absence that holds me hostage. Sometimes it is a black, heavy cloud of despair that envelops me, other times it is a lighter, more distant ripple…Continue
Hi, everyone ~
If you are so moved, please enjoy my new blog venture. It's about life through the lens of widowhood from my perspective. This month I am focusing on Motherhood. I would love your feedback if you are inclined to share it. Thanks!
Having a family was more my husband's thing. I wanted to be a career woman but found myself staying home with my kids for a whole 7 years before I joined the working world. I took naturally, enough, to being affectionate with my babies, and there's no way you could accuse me of neglect or anything of that sorts. I can draw a line of decency and never cross it. Not that I am devoid of emotional connection with them. When they are hurt or need defending, my momma instincts kick in to…Continue
Each of us has a different place and time when we thought life was wonderful and life would go on like that forever. For some it was the courtship, some the early marriage, some the space after the kids had flown and they were able to travel and do the things they had always wanted to do. For Ray and I it was a period when our life was comfortable with the mortgage paid off, the house reasonably fit for the family we had brought back to our home town after ten and a half years away, all…Continue
A year ago I was taking care of my wife Carla in hospice. She had 11 weeks from diagnosis to death. Breast cancer. Diagnosed March 28; hospice started April 14; she died June 12 at home in our bed. She never even had a hospital bed, it was just our regular bed. She was 56 and I was 46. We had been together 17 years.…Continue
Yesterday my son turned 5. It is a big number in our house. He knew when he turned 5 he would be ready to go to kindergarten soon and he would get to chew gum. What none of us knew was that it would also be his first birthday without his dad. We have been talking about his birthday for a while. A month ago I bought invitations... Power Ranger themed and I even looked into having a Power Ranger character come to our house. I managed to get 6 invitations out to the preschool kids at his…Continue
I still wake up and feel like I’m stuck in the wrong timeline, like a Star Trek episode. Something isn’t right about this timeline, and I have to find my way back to the “right” timeline so history will go on the way it is supposed to go. In Star Trek, the character refuses to accept the new timeline, even when…Continue
Yeah, I'm catching up. Things that have been in my head that I've never quite written down. Phrases caught in memory.
I'm mostly settled. In less than a month is my housewarming party. A bit late in the year, but with the misters up, it should be okay. We're doing it black tie. Because we girls love a chance to get dressed up and wear pretty dresses and get our hair and makeup done. And guys look freakin' hot all dressed up in coats and ties. And it makes me happy to picture a house…Continue
Scattering his ashes was hard. His SCA household was with me, as were two of my house members. It was on the battlefield, which is what he would have wanted. We all took turns. In two scattering urns, everyone took a turn, making sure his ashes were well and truly scattered, as we weren't actually allowed to scatter him there. But where else would he want to be? It was fitting.
Afterwards, they thanked me. They thanked me for making sure they were a part of things and keeping them…Continue
I dreamt of him. I dreamt, knowing it was a dream. I told him he was dead, and he couldn't be in my dreams. He said he knew. He said he could only ever do it twice, but he had to see me. I said that he shouldn't be here. That didn't he have purgatory or something. He said he had penance to do. It was painful, but he did it, and that he could be there now. I told him that he was a dream, and that it couldn't be him. He said to ask him something he would know. I told him that it was my dream,…Continue
two days ago I was notified that my fiancé had been shot while at work. he was a 23yrs old marine. I was the last person he texted.
I am four and a half years out from Ray's death. I am still on the journey to find out who I am now and who I want to be. I have just been on a train journey and that gave me a slow way of reflecting on my life. Am I who I think I am? How do others see me? I know wherever I go people like to talk to me and tell me their life stories so I know I am a good listener. On the trains coming and going to visit my friend people talked to me, they were comfortable telling me about their lives,…Continue
Don't really seem to fit here anymore. I am still looking for counseling to get my head straight and maybe that is the only way it will be. It is just ironic that after I lay out the whole history of what has happened over the last say 10+ years it feels like the therapists don't believe me or are just desensitized. As much as I have tried to reinvent myself, I am still haunted by the past, the decisions I had to make, and all that happened between then and now. The new theory is trauma…Continue