I dreamt of him. I dreamt, knowing it was a dream. I told him he was dead, and he couldn't be in my dreams. He said he knew. He said he could only ever do it twice, but he had to see me. I said that he shouldn't be here. That didn't he have purgatory or something. He said he had penance to do. It was painful, but he did it, and that he could be there now. I told him that he was a dream, and that it couldn't be him. He said to ask him something he would know. I told him that it was my dream,…Continue
two days ago I was notified that my fiancé had been shot while at work. he was a 23yrs old marine. I was the last person he texted.
I am four and a half years out from Ray's death. I am still on the journey to find out who I am now and who I want to be. I have just been on a train journey and that gave me a slow way of reflecting on my life. Am I who I think I am? How do others see me? I know wherever I go people like to talk to me and tell me their life stories so I know I am a good listener. On the trains coming and going to visit my friend people talked to me, they were comfortable telling me about their lives,…Continue
Don't really seem to fit here anymore. I am still looking for counseling to get my head straight and maybe that is the only way it will be. It is just ironic that after I lay out the whole history of what has happened over the last say 10+ years it feels like the therapists don't believe me or are just desensitized. As much as I have tried to reinvent myself, I am still haunted by the past, the decisions I had to make, and all that happened between then and now. The new theory is trauma…Continue
Yesterday would have been my seven year wedding anniversary, but we lost my dear husband in December. I was a wreck all day, hiding in the bathroom to cry most of the day. I just miss him so much and we were so happy. Just another hard road stop of this journey of grief. Maybe I have been a little numb the last few months, I know I have most of the time actually. Yesterday the pain was so raw and so intense. I tried to embrace and sob every time I felt like crying and the tears never…Continue
Music has always played a huge roll in my life. Since birth I've had headphones on, even to the point where I hear music when there is none. There has always been a song for my mood. No matter how funky or blue, happy or melancholy I've always been able to find music that fits. However over the last few years especially I've found myself searching for something that's out of reach. Nothing makes me happy or soothes the mood. Nothing fits.
Love songs are just a painful reminder…Continue
For those who knew Dan Mack both here in WV and FB I just wanted to pass on the sad news that I learned from another widow today. Dan Mack passed away last July from bladder cancer. Today was his birthday and we had both posted Happy Birthday wishes on his FB page. This is the only way to let those who knew him from here know.
Rest in Peace my friend. You will be missed.
Added by Morgana (Janet) on April 6, 2017 at 1:30pm — No Comments
I had the most comforting dream a couple nights ago, in that place between sleeping and waking. I was lying in bed and suddenly I felt a presence next to me, as if someone was sitting on the bed beside my legs, and the firm press of a comforting hand on my hips. In the dark, I couldn't see anyone, but I knew it must be Shane, even as my brain tried to think of other possibilities. Bobby? My brother had been staying with us, but he was house-sitting for someone else this week. He wasn't even…Continue
I have been thinking about this poem since Shane died in October. I wish I knew the translations for the various languages. Maybe I'll have to play with Google Translate. April will be Easter, then my birthday...my birthday also marking 6 months from our wedding anniversary. Shane was hospitalized a few days before our anniversary and died 12 days after. I have been thinking about Easter and resurrection, and how usually the idea brings such hope, but this year I am in a place where I feel I…Continue
Do you ever want a hug so much you ache for it? That is where I am at this afternoon. I have been to two funerals in two days, a consequence of being a pastoral care worker for my church. It is not that I expect it to affect me personally - well I always tell myself that - but I really know it will and it does. I remember again my own mother dying and how I felt at her funeral as I watched the families grieve. At the funeral today I read the 23rd Psalm, a part of what our church does is…Continue
Can I ever go camping again? I love to camp. That is, I loved to camp. Before. Now, I don’t know if I still love to camp. I always went with Alan, and part of what made camping fun was to be with him. I don’t know if I still love to camp. For now, I know it will just be too hard, so I am selling our camper. …Continue
So to make a horrific situation worse, the funeral home botched my husband's burial. As I believe I previously mentioned, we're very poor and my husband didn't leave any life insurance, will or anything else. His second cousin, who works at a funeral home assured me that he would handle everything and would make sure that my husband had a proper, decent funeral and burial.
The funeral was very nice, but at my husband's internment, my family and I were unceremoniously told by…Continue
I at age 62 lost my Jim at age 73 rather suddenly January 26, 2013 from an undiagnosed aggressive leukemia. We were soulmates so happy to find true love and mutual comfort after terrible first marriages. We had almost 30 years together. Now, four years later, I am beyond the heart-shredding grief, but find that the silent loneliness at night is so unbearable at times. My two grown children live in town and their very young families keep me happily engaged during the day during the week…Continue
My grandmother died in March. My mother died in March. As bad as those were, they don't hold a candle to my wife, Elaine, dying in March. I get to the end of February and wish I could go to bed and wake up and it's April 1. That's never going to happen, so I have to feel the pain. These last few years have taught me that the pain has to be felt, there is no way around it. There are self-destructive ways to mask the pain, but all that does is postpone it. The pain has to be felt in…Continue
It has been six months since Alan died. I’m wondering when do I get to be happy again? When does life regain its color and meaning? I’m doing the little things and checking things off my do-do list every day, which has its degree of satisfaction. Sometimes I even do something fun. But even the fun activities don’t mean the same to me anymore. I can’t share them with Alan. I take him with me in my heart but it’s not the same. It still hurts terribly that I can’t share the fun times with…Continue
Every 25th I've counted the months and when I reached the 25th of February 2017 I made it to the one year date of the death of my husband. I tried my hardest not to look at the clock at the time when I realized he was not snoring and was so quiet. I called his name and tried to wake him up. I knew that he was gone but I called 911 hoping for a miracle. She asked me if I wanted her to stay on the phone with me but the parametics, firemen and police were already at our door..
The rain is lashing down outside. It has been raining on and off for over a week now and I am really sick of it. It is not that it is cold, far from it as when the sun does come out it is quite humid but it is isolating. On Tuesday I went to a morning tea I go to once a week and for the first hour was the only person there other than the kitchen helper. I have not seen my usual “widow buddies” in the shopping centre as few people are coming out if they don't need to, not that I blame…Continue
Now there cried a certain woman of the wives of the sons of the prophets unto Elisha saying, Thy servant
servant my husband is dead, and thou knowest that thy servant did fear the Lord. and the creditor is come to take unto him
my two sons to be bondmen
And Elisha said unto her, What shall I do for thee? tell me what hast thou in the house?
and she said thine handmaid hath not anything in the house save a pot of oil.
Then he said go borrow thee vessels…Continue