Do you ever want a hug so much you ache for it? That is where I am at this afternoon. I have been to two funerals in two days, a consequence of being a pastoral care worker for my church. It is not that I expect it to affect me personally - well I always tell myself that - but I really know it will and it does. I remember again my own mother dying and how I felt at her funeral as I watched the families grieve. At the funeral today I read the 23rd Psalm, a part of what our church does is…Continue
Can I ever go camping again? I love to camp. That is, I loved to camp. Before. Now, I don’t know if I still love to camp. I always went with Alan, and part of what made camping fun was to be with him. I don’t know if I still love to camp. For now, I know it will just be too hard, so I am selling our camper. …Continue
So to make a horrific situation worse, the funeral home botched my husband's burial. As I believe I previously mentioned, we're very poor and my husband didn't leave any life insurance, will or anything else. His second cousin, who works at a funeral home assured me that he would handle everything and would make sure that my husband had a proper, decent funeral and burial.
The funeral was very nice, but at my husband's internment, my family and I were unceremoniously told by…Continue
I at age 62 lost my Jim at age 73 rather suddenly January 26, 2013 from an undiagnosed aggressive leukemia. We were soulmates so happy to find true love and mutual comfort after terrible first marriages. We had almost 30 years together. Now, four years later, I am beyond the heart-shredding grief, but find that the silent loneliness at night is so unbearable at times. My two grown children live in town and their very young families keep me happily engaged during the day during the week…Continue
My grandmother died in March. My mother died in March. As bad as those were, they don't hold a candle to my wife, Elaine, dying in March. I get to the end of February and wish I could go to bed and wake up and it's April 1. That's never going to happen, so I have to feel the pain. These last few years have taught me that the pain has to be felt, there is no way around it. There are self-destructive ways to mask the pain, but all that does is postpone it. The pain has to be felt in…Continue
It has been six months since Alan died. I’m wondering when do I get to be happy again? When does life regain its color and meaning? I’m doing the little things and checking things off my do-do list every day, which has its degree of satisfaction. Sometimes I even do something fun. But even the fun activities don’t mean the same to me anymore. I can’t share them with Alan. I take him with me in my heart but it’s not the same. It still hurts terribly that I can’t share the fun times with…Continue
Every 25th I've counted the months and when I reached the 25th of February 2017 I made it to the one year date of the death of my husband. I tried my hardest not to look at the clock at the time when I realized he was not snoring and was so quiet. I called his name and tried to wake him up. I knew that he was gone but I called 911 hoping for a miracle. She asked me if I wanted her to stay on the phone with me but the parametics, firemen and police were already at our door..
The rain is lashing down outside. It has been raining on and off for over a week now and I am really sick of it. It is not that it is cold, far from it as when the sun does come out it is quite humid but it is isolating. On Tuesday I went to a morning tea I go to once a week and for the first hour was the only person there other than the kitchen helper. I have not seen my usual “widow buddies” in the shopping centre as few people are coming out if they don't need to, not that I blame…Continue
Now there cried a certain woman of the wives of the sons of the prophets unto Elisha saying, Thy servant
servant my husband is dead, and thou knowest that thy servant did fear the Lord. and the creditor is come to take unto him
my two sons to be bondmen
And Elisha said unto her, What shall I do for thee? tell me what hast thou in the house?
and she said thine handmaid hath not anything in the house save a pot of oil.
Then he said go borrow thee vessels…Continue
The red sun sinks slow into the sea
And shipwrecks on the rocks below
The clouds bloodstained remain
And soften to a glow.
There is no moon, but the sea is there
The waves still come and go
Hypnotic sound of water bathes my soul
Bruised and battered now, aching to know
Where you are, my heart’s beloved –
Are you near, or far?
Do you see me – hear my cries?
As I listen to the sea, do you hold my hand?
Added by HENMESS on March 13, 2017 at 4:58am — No Comments
Added by Anna on March 12, 2017 at 7:29am — No Comments
Do any of you feel like people try to take advantage of your grieving? I feel as though I am very cautious of certain people and companies. I went to call Verizon to change the plan to my name and to close my husband's line. The first time I was on the phone they told me I could take my time to send the DC in and they would take care of it. I asked follow up questions and after the 5th question I found out they were going to keep the line open and keep charging me for it. I still owed…Continue
I remember talking with a friend who lost her father suddenly, about how devastating it was for her. I remember her talking about how she never got the chance to say goodbye. I remember her asking which would be worse, watching the person you love the most slowly slip away, or losing them suddenly? This question stuck with me for a long time. Well into my wife's long battle with cancer. I lost mine slowly. I lost mine painfully.
This question came up with my counselor a year or…Continue
I watched the waves retreat
In their wake, rainbowed foam,
Broken shells, pebbles tumbled
One lone feather lost by a seabird
For it is here that gulls come to be lonely..
I bent to pick it up, to hold, to smooth it..
Once it was part of the proud gull.
Now still itself, but what would it be?
An embellishment in a scrap book,
Or would it return to the sea?
To be tossed without purpose
The days slip through my fingers
Like rosary beads unprayed
I cannot live without you here
To be with me, to talk to me
I wish you could have stayed.
My life is like a melody
But the notes are never played
For none but I can hear the notes
So silence echoes where once you were
Where once your laughter rang
And silent tears from unseeing eyes
Fall unseen into the dust of ground
Where once you trod, where once…Continue
Added by HENMESS on February 28, 2017 at 11:23pm — No Comments
The violin wept it’s tears in the rain
Wept like a heart that is rent with pain
Wept of sorrows too deep to express
Whispered of longing too secret to guess.
Only the wailing wind and I knew
Of the longing too wide to escape.
I could not hold the music in my hand
To whisper, yes, I understand..
I know what it is to have my soul die
I know of pain that cannot cry
I know what it is to call out in pain
For a hand I cannot hold again…
Most days I just feel anxious now. I have a constant ache in my stomach. The feeling sad is just sort of normal now so I can't imagine it going away anytime soon. Sometimes it surprises me what will make me cry, or have that intense wave of loneliness. Sometimes I just feel cold, like I'm going through the motions but not really present. Then I feel bad. I have four children to care for who need me to be present. I'm thankful to have that purpose because I think if it were just me I wouldn't…Continue
Today has been three weeks since I last spoke with my husband. Three week since I last heard his voice, felt his touch or enjoyed his calm presence. Every day there are new challenges and frustrations. I hit new depths of sadness and new levels of irritation that I never thought were possible. My thoughts race with what if's, fears and memories. With the ambush of unwanted thoughts and emotions I thought starting a blog would be a way to let some of those feelings out. Put them somewhere to…Continue
I am alive today –
Do I want to be
Or do I want to fly away?
I am tired of pretending to live
I have nothing left to give
I have tried to go on
But it all so unreal
I speak, I read, but it is all a game
Try as I will, nothing is the same
I think if I pretend
The dull pain will somehow end
I shall feel life again,
Instead of the unspoken pain.
People say I am strong –
If only they knew….
I am like a helpless…
DO NOT WEEP AT MY GRAVE
Stand not at my grave and weep,
I am not there beneath your feet,
Look upwards if you would see me now –
I am the autumn soft sun – I am the rainbow.
Hear my childhood laughter roll over the koppies,
Listen to my feet as they run rejoicing through the fields
Pick and eat from the tree, the fruit that it yields -
As we did when we were young and carefree, you and me.
I am young again and as my spirit beholds you, I clearly…