Well, I've never written a blog before.  Not even sure what it's suppose to be.  But I'm going to use this space to share my thoughts and experiences since I have started on this long and painful journey. 

My journey started Feb. 20, 2013.  My husband lost his battle with cancer.  He fought for almost 5 years until the dreaded disease just took over.  It was so sad to see him progress, although at the time I don't think I thought that way.  I kept saying to myself that this was just a…

Last year I became a widow and an orphan, I know that sounds silly given that I am 65 but it still has an impact on my life.  Up till last year I had a husband and a mother, in September Ray died and in November my Mum died.  Now I am going through "firsts" for both of them.  Tomorrow is my first Mother's Day when I willl not buy my mother a present and at the least sit by her bed, kiss her cheek and call her pet names as I did last year. Tomorrow I will not visit her in the nursing home. …

If Ive heard it once Ive heard it a hundred times since Gary died, different versions but all the same..."you need to stay strong for the kids" "you need to let the kids see you grieve" "you need to let the kids grieve" "you need to do it for the kids"  "you need to this, you need to that"

Well friggen hell I know what I need, I think I know what my kids need....I want my life back I want the man back, I want the father back that made me and the kids feel safe, the man that taught us…

When my husband died almost three years ago - I never imagined that I would ever choose to be in a relationship  or try this thing called love again. The first two years were long and hard filled with uncertanity , grief ,fear, sorrow and at times anger. I had lost so much and had given so much to my marriage for 27 years. My husband committed suicide July 19th, 2010.  There was no warning ( that I could have realized then) now I know in hindsight there were signs and subtle hints…

“Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.”

― Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

 …

The book is by Jana Badridge Vargas, it is published by Luminary Enterprises and it is available on Amazon.

The author becomes interested in death at an early age and makes death her life work.  The book details many of the loses she has had over the years and her reaction to those losses.  The second half of the title isn't addressed, in my opinion, other than in the last chapter.  

The following is a part of a paragraph at the end of the book, that I think really sums up the…

I am having a rare quiet day at work , and decided to take a few minutes to complete the SSLF survey, and I had to walk out of my office in tears. Just admitting some of these things in writing, so to speak...that I'm almost two years out and still so depressed, still contemplating suicide, still not seeing much of a life ahead...is so distressing. It has to get better....doesn't it???

I look  bACK  with forgiveness

both for myself & others

I look to the present

with appreciation,

For THOSE who are in my life

as well as THOSE who are not

I look to the Future

with FAITH  & optimism

that things which never made sense

someday will,

& that GREAT things

are yet to happen.

(this doesn't seem remotely possible--especially the closer it is to losing your…

“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” -Rose Kennedy

Photo courtesy of …

I write a blog at http://motorcyclewidow.wordpress.com, this is the very first post I wrote for my original blog. It basically tells the story of how I lost my love:

If you live in a broad area in my neck of the woods (northeast Indiana and north central Indiana), you may have seen a small story somewhere inside your local paper (or heard it on the news) that read or sounded like this:

A…

I am not sure if this is how I add a blog post, but here it goes.

It is five months now since Len died. I am still in a fog much of the time, and I can't believe it has been five months already. I feel like I am just existing, and not really living.

Lately I have been thinking more about moving. I know the experts say to wait at least a year before making any big changes, but it has been on my mind a lot lately. I have been browsing the realtor website and even drove…

My Eddie with have been out of my life for 5 months and two days since we Iast spoke when life was as normal as I knew it. A few of you who have followed me know that I also lost my father 7-1-12 but the pain is far far deeper having lost my husband than my father. I tend to start of most of my conversations with "well Ed did this " or " Ed did that" or yeah I remember when Ed did this" oh man the list is Endless. …

My Promise

I know I can't see you,

But I know your there.

I know I…

I am beginning to think I am a pretty selfish person.  I can become obsessed with some small problem and sure do miss having someone around to bounce ideas off of. I still have not had a chance to talk to my daughter about some of the family matters that have been on my mind.  I was hoping to do so this visit.

I have been down to my daughter's place again, this time for five days.  I have so many things I want to say to her but there is never time.  Between her job as a Salvation Army…

There is nobody in the world I want more than you!

There is nobody in the world I want, but you!

I would give anything, if I could have you back!

But, I will never be able to hold you again!

I will never be able to kiss you again!

I will never be able to have you again!

At least not in this life, not in this world.

It is so hard to say goodbye, I don't want to!!!

    In just 11 days it will be 2 years sense I held my husband and kissed him goodbye for the last time, he fought very hard but the cancer was stronger then he was. Now I'm doing the same thing with my life long friend (Lisa). We first met at age 3 and have been best friends for the last 45 years. Even though she moved to Tn. and I'm still in Wi. we have stayed in touch our entire lives. As soon as she was put into hospice I packed up and drove to Tn. to spend some time with her. We had so…

Last evening at my book group I was approached my one of the members and asked if I would be willing to talk with her brother.  The group is aware of my loss because I talked about it when I led the discussion on Proof of Heaven.  Her brother's wife is in the final stages of ovarian cancer.  Her brother said how horrible it has been going through the disease, but now he doesn't know how he will get through the grief.

So how do you talk to someone about grief before their spouse has…

A happy thing happened on Sunday.  It was the day of the Governor's Awards for outstanding seniors (top of the class) and they were permitted to bring one teacher who had had an influence on their life.  The top senior of the district I abruptly retired from last year asked me.   That is an honor, but the happy thing is bigger than that.   Her family and I spent a long drive on the road to and fro.  We talked, laughed, ate together, enjoyed the ceremony together and midway home, I realized…