How has it already been six months?! Just yesterday we were standing together, shoulder to shoulder, us against the world, ready to conquer it as part of our life adventure. Yet at the same time, it feels like a lifetime since I last touched you.
I don't feel courageous today, my Prince. I'm lost without you. So alone in this chapter. Surrounded by love but unable to embrace it. Despite their efforts, our wonderful friends…
Today would have been our 32nd wedding anniversary...She's been gone for 3yrs. I feel so numb, empty and lifeless.
Nobody loves me. I don't mean nobody cares about me, I am sure my family does and maybe a few special friends but nobody LOVES me. I am not the centre of anyone's world. I am not needed by someone, I am not someone's main concern. I know it doesn't make sense that I am crying for that reason but I am. I am crying because I see couples all the time sitting together, shopping together, talking together and I am envious. I want to be part of that kind of world. I don't want to be part of that…Continue
It seems like it has been a really long time since I last posted. Still not having any issues with loneliness like I had in the past, but I have also been reluctant to claim victory because I have not accomplished all my goals. One of my goals is to obtain work where I can afford not just to financially support my self but also to have a life outside of work. Right now my job is making that impossible. It’s one thing to want to live with someone else when it’s your choice to live with them.…Continue
Added by Daisy on June 27, 2018 at 10:00pm — No Comments
My husband passed in August 2012. I was in a grief group, an excellent group, for a couple of years and I was also active on this site for a while. I have not been on it for a couple of years. I’m not so sure that I am making good progress in getting on with my life. I cry every day, not much, not long, but I still cry. I have one son who is 46 who has had a physical and learning disability since he was eight. I am trying to think of good words to say this but I don’t know how much longer…Continue
WELL, My Dearest,
We made it....our first Fathers Day without you! I have to admit I was a basket case the days leading up to Sunday. Generally, the kids and I would be wrapped up in getting you that "perfect" gift. This year I was going to get you that new recliner you always wanted....your Pammie was sure to get daddy something special and of course Howard was the one to get you something funny. Kevin, our oldest always was the first to call and the grandkids jumped…Continue
Added by DIVA70 on June 18, 2018 at 9:48am — No Comments
I seem to have been busy in the past few weeks. I went to my son's in Broken Hill for a week as planned. The wrap on my thigh in addition to the stocking worked well on the flights. The extra padding did feel as if I was wearing part of a suit of armour. As it is regional airline and a small plane with narrow steps I did have some trouble with getting off tne plane but that was really the only problem with flying. Negotiating the local transport and the airport was no trouble as I have…Continue
I cry at the laughter
I laugh through the tears
I dance with the sobs
Counting minutes, missing years…
I love you through my pain
I love you through my loss
I love you through the tears
I'll love you still, through our lost years
You loved me when I couldn't
You loved me when I wouldn't…Continue
….that is the title of a well known grief support seminar series. A well thought out, well researched, well constructed and, most of all, well intentioned series of videos.
From Mourning to Joy…..
I've been thinking about the word survivor and why it's what we are called.
Last night I had a very scary medical drama, (I'm fine) but this morning I woke up and thought about it a little bit. My first thought was, "Well now I've survived my first serious health scare without my sweet Jerry." I am rocking or maybe I should say wobbling though widdahood. I've "survived" though a plethora of minor catastrophes, okay so maybe they were just household upheavals but anyway, I…
During a regular old average conversation last week in the chat room, we talked about "happy places". It was then that I realized, my happy place is gone. Jerry's arms have always been my refuge, my delight, my happy place. Since that conversation, I've been feeling small and a little bit lost. Unsheltered, unrested, and undone! Perhaps it's because the 6-month mark is approaching. I'm not sure how, as time seems to be altered to me. Jerry died, yesterday, last week, last night and 5…Continue
Does this ever get easier or do you ever find yourself again? I feel as the anniversary of Kenny's death approaches that I feel more and more alone even when there are others around. Maybe I'm being self-centered...I don't know but I feel I've lost not only him but myself and my happiness. As this day approaches next month I feel the heaviness in my chest and the dread of reliving the dreadful day.
I was alone for Mother's Day but did get the texts from my sons and a phone call from my daughter and spoke to both of her children so I was okay. Ray never made much of Mother's Day , I was the one who bought the presents for us all and nice cards for our Mums so my boys followed him in that. Boys need a good example to be set for them. It was one of his failings I guess that he didn't see the example he was setting. He always said he showed he cared by the way he worked for us not by the…Continue
It's been 5 long hard months since the day my sweet, wild, and wonderful Jerry passed away. It's been a real struggle to grow, and keep learning. Sometimes, I pushed myself, sometimes others have pushed me. Then there were the times when I threw in the towel and just had a bad day! Grief is hard work and it's taken me on one helluva ride. (Okay, stop I'd like to get off here.)....
Unfortunately, getting off isn't an option. I loved hard, therefore I grieve hard. I wouldn't change a…Continue
I hate when memories sneak up on you. Days you should remember, days that should stick out, somehow get lost in the shuffle of grief and sneak up on you unawares. I'm a Millenial, so of course it was Facebook that reminded me this morning: 4 years ago Debbie & Shane Got Engaged! The post showed photos we were tagged in together--a glimpse into our relationship...from wedding photos, to a photo of his urn with our wedding rings on top of it and a picture of us kissing in the background. I…Continue
In reflecting back a decade ago when I became a widow, there was much confusion about the meaning of "identity". There was a particular word that caused many flame wars, it was the word "independent". Many widows were hurt by it, they felt condescended &/or dismissed. Their role as a housewife, mother or low wage employee was seemingly reduced - interpreted as being a dependent similar to a child. Their love for their spouse that him/her happy & safe as well other contributions were…Continue
It has been over five years since you left. In that time, I bought a house and sold it and moved again. I found a man who cares about me, and after we spent many months traveling across this nation, we decided to commit to a relationship. Most days life is wonderful and safe and comfortable again. There are some days -- and sleepless nights -- that still feel lonely and confusing. Today in my reading I found a sentence that helps me understand this mish-mash of emotions: "…Continue
Have you gotten to the point that you can see clearly? Do you know what you need to do to march beyond the grief into a future that is full of mystery and possibilities, yet be afraid to make a move towards your goal?
I'm at that point, I am so tired of living between worlds. I'm tired of moods that change as easily as the tide. However, to me, it seems it takes a whole bunch of courage to move into the great unknown. I have never had the courage to really put myself out…
It's been awhile since I've had anything to say. Profound sadness has had me locked up in a choke hold. I tend to retreat within myself during those times. Like a clam closing, it's shell. I'm feeling a little better, okay actually I'm feeling a lot better. From somewhere in my little clam world the theme from Rocky begin playing on a loop in my head. …