Having a family was more my husband's thing. I wanted to be a career woman but found myself staying home with my kids for a whole 7 years before I joined the working world. I took naturally, enough, to being affectionate with my babies, and there's no way you could accuse me of neglect or anything of that sorts. I can draw a line of decency and never cross it. Not that I am devoid of emotional connection with them. When they are hurt or need defending, my momma instincts kick in to…Continue
Each of us has a different place and time when we thought life was wonderful and life would go on like that forever. For some it was the courtship, some the early marriage, some the space after the kids had flown and they were able to travel and do the things they had always wanted to do. For Ray and I it was a period when our life was comfortable with the mortgage paid off, the house reasonably fit for the family we had brought back to our home town after ten and a half years away, all…Continue
A year ago I was taking care of my wife Carla in hospice. She had 11 weeks from diagnosis to death. Breast cancer. Diagnosed March 28; hospice started April 14; she died June 12 at home in our bed. She never even had a hospital bed, it was just our regular bed. She was 56 and I was 46. We had been together 17 years.…Continue
Yesterday my son turned 5. It is a big number in our house. He knew when he turned 5 he would be ready to go to kindergarten soon and he would get to chew gum. What none of us knew was that it would also be his first birthday without his dad. We have been talking about his birthday for a while. A month ago I bought invitations... Power Ranger themed and I even looked into having a Power Ranger character come to our house. I managed to get 6 invitations out to the preschool kids at his…Continue
I still wake up and feel like I’m stuck in the wrong timeline, like a Star Trek episode. Something isn’t right about this timeline, and I have to find my way back to the “right” timeline so history will go on the way it is supposed to go. In Star Trek, the character refuses to accept the new timeline, even when…Continue
Yeah, I'm catching up. Things that have been in my head that I've never quite written down. Phrases caught in memory.
I'm mostly settled. In less than a month is my housewarming party. A bit late in the year, but with the misters up, it should be okay. We're doing it black tie. Because we girls love a chance to get dressed up and wear pretty dresses and get our hair and makeup done. And guys look freakin' hot all dressed up in coats and ties. And it makes me happy to picture a house…Continue
Scattering his ashes was hard. His SCA household was with me, as were two of my house members. It was on the battlefield, which is what he would have wanted. We all took turns. In two scattering urns, everyone took a turn, making sure his ashes were well and truly scattered, as we weren't actually allowed to scatter him there. But where else would he want to be? It was fitting.
Afterwards, they thanked me. They thanked me for making sure they were a part of things and keeping them…Continue
I dreamt of him. I dreamt, knowing it was a dream. I told him he was dead, and he couldn't be in my dreams. He said he knew. He said he could only ever do it twice, but he had to see me. I said that he shouldn't be here. That didn't he have purgatory or something. He said he had penance to do. It was painful, but he did it, and that he could be there now. I told him that he was a dream, and that it couldn't be him. He said to ask him something he would know. I told him that it was my dream,…Continue
two days ago I was notified that my fiancé had been shot while at work. he was a 23yrs old marine. I was the last person he texted.
I am four and a half years out from Ray's death. I am still on the journey to find out who I am now and who I want to be. I have just been on a train journey and that gave me a slow way of reflecting on my life. Am I who I think I am? How do others see me? I know wherever I go people like to talk to me and tell me their life stories so I know I am a good listener. On the trains coming and going to visit my friend people talked to me, they were comfortable telling me about their lives,…Continue
Don't really seem to fit here anymore. I am still looking for counseling to get my head straight and maybe that is the only way it will be. It is just ironic that after I lay out the whole history of what has happened over the last say 10+ years it feels like the therapists don't believe me or are just desensitized. As much as I have tried to reinvent myself, I am still haunted by the past, the decisions I had to make, and all that happened between then and now. The new theory is trauma…Continue
Yesterday would have been my seven year wedding anniversary, but we lost my dear husband in December. I was a wreck all day, hiding in the bathroom to cry most of the day. I just miss him so much and we were so happy. Just another hard road stop of this journey of grief. Maybe I have been a little numb the last few months, I know I have most of the time actually. Yesterday the pain was so raw and so intense. I tried to embrace and sob every time I felt like crying and the tears never…Continue
Music has always played a huge roll in my life. Since birth I've had headphones on, even to the point where I hear music when there is none. There has always been a song for my mood. No matter how funky or blue, happy or melancholy I've always been able to find music that fits. However over the last few years especially I've found myself searching for something that's out of reach. Nothing makes me happy or soothes the mood. Nothing fits.
Love songs are just a painful reminder…Continue
For those who knew Dan Mack both here in WV and FB I just wanted to pass on the sad news that I learned from another widow today. Dan Mack passed away last July from bladder cancer. Today was his birthday and we had both posted Happy Birthday wishes on his FB page. This is the only way to let those who knew him from here know.
Rest in Peace my friend. You will be missed.
Added by Morgana (Janet) on April 6, 2017 at 1:30pm — No Comments
I had the most comforting dream a couple nights ago, in that place between sleeping and waking. I was lying in bed and suddenly I felt a presence next to me, as if someone was sitting on the bed beside my legs, and the firm press of a comforting hand on my hips. In the dark, I couldn't see anyone, but I knew it must be Shane, even as my brain tried to think of other possibilities. Bobby? My brother had been staying with us, but he was house-sitting for someone else this week. He wasn't even…Continue
I have been thinking about this poem since Shane died in October. I wish I knew the translations for the various languages. Maybe I'll have to play with Google Translate. April will be Easter, then my birthday...my birthday also marking 6 months from our wedding anniversary. Shane was hospitalized a few days before our anniversary and died 12 days after. I have been thinking about Easter and resurrection, and how usually the idea brings such hope, but this year I am in a place where I feel I…Continue
Do you ever want a hug so much you ache for it? That is where I am at this afternoon. I have been to two funerals in two days, a consequence of being a pastoral care worker for my church. It is not that I expect it to affect me personally - well I always tell myself that - but I really know it will and it does. I remember again my own mother dying and how I felt at her funeral as I watched the families grieve. At the funeral today I read the 23rd Psalm, a part of what our church does is…Continue
Can I ever go camping again? I love to camp. That is, I loved to camp. Before. Now, I don’t know if I still love to camp. I always went with Alan, and part of what made camping fun was to be with him. I don’t know if I still love to camp. For now, I know it will just be too hard, so I am selling our camper. …Continue