All Blog Posts Tagged 'grief' (114)

I am an introvert.  That does not mean that I don't like other people, or that I prefer to be alone.  It means that I use up energy when I have to interact with others, and that I restore my energy when I don't have lots of people to deal with.  I actually am a pretty good public speaker, and have spoken to groups large and small all over the country.  I've been interviewed on the radio and on television.  I am the director of a private school, so speaking to others is something that I have…

I am learning a new way to move through this life I now have (I didn't want it, but  I have it anyway).  Its choreography is "messed up", as my teenage students would say.  If there is a rhythm to it, I haven't discovered it yet.   It's two steps forward, one step back.  Two steps back, one step forward.  Often there are long pauses with no movement.  Sometimes I step sideways.  Let me describe it.

I get up, pay the bills, go to work.  Interact with my coworkers as if my life…

Recently, I've been feeling stronger.  I've been crying less and interacting with the world more.   I still feel so, so sad and miss Kevin acutely, but seem to be able to navigate the daily demands of living a bit better.   But last night, I took a step backwards.

Kevin died at a world famous hospital on November 7, 2012.  Last night there was a memorial service at this hospital  for all the patients who had passed away within the last year.  I was worried that returning to the…

I am scared.  Within the next two weeks, I have to deal with the following:  the six month sadversary of Kevin's passing, a memorial service at the hospital where he died, his birthday, and Mothers' Day.  (Mothers' Day is always sad for me because Kevin and I were not able to have any children.  This will be the first time I'm by myself.)

I've been doing well, actually, over the past couple of weeks.  I've been busy at work, and my nights and weekends have been filled with…

The first few months were a fog of pain and hurt.  All I thought about was my grief.  I missed every single thing about my husband, every single minute of every single day.  The pain was overwhelming and disabling and intolerable.  Getting up and dressed and to work took 110% of my energy, and I accomplished nothing beyond the most simple of daily living activities.  I don't know how I survived those days, except that I did, and I have very blurry memories of that time.  I found out…

My mom in tears told me our dog had died…I was 11 my heart was breaking

My mom in tears tells me my grandpa has died…I was 15 my heart was breaking

My mom in anger tells me all that my father is not part of our family…my heart is confused

My mom in tears tells me my grandma has died…I was 16 my heart was lost

My daughter was born…I was 19 my heart was full

My sons were born…my heart is bursting with love

My husband leaves us all…I was 27 my…

I'm not sure exactly when I stopped breathing properly.  Maybe it was in September 2011, when we got the diagnosis:  end stage liver disease.  6 months to 2 years.  Only treatment--liver transplant.  85% of those who need it die on the waiting list.   Or maybe it was in October, when we had to cancel a planned trip to Ireland.  Grounded--no flying.  Kevin will die.  Or maybe in November, when the out-patient treatments began.   Probably it was on January 5th, 2012, the first time I had to…

People tell me I'm a good writer.

People tell me I'm a compelling writer.

People tell me that I write in such a way that my words affect them.

So why can't I express fully, in a way that makes me feel that *I* understand, how much I hurt and how incredibly devastating it is to be a widow?

I look through thesaurus entries:

Devastated: anguised, cheerless, dejcected, depressed, despairing, distressed, down, heartbroken, heartsick,…

It's a new day and time for the show to begin.  I get up, get showered, get dressed.  We have a dress code where I work, so that means pantyhose and skirts.   If it's a good day, I put on some jewelry.  (Today was not a good morning, so no jewelry.)  Just the basics so that my coworkers will think I'm doing fine, my bosses won't worry that I'm unfit for my very responsible job.   I need my job.  I have bills to pay.  I am responsible for myself now.  I'm alone.

I meet with people…

That's where I've been since late yesterday afternoon. It started when an old friend tried to call David's cell phone and I returned the call, curious since I didn't recognize the name even though it was programmed into his phone. He said he was an old friend from back in the 70's, that he and David ran into each other last summer and caught up. This was about a month before we got the diagnosis. I guess it slipped David's mind because he never mentioned it, or I wasn't paying…

...when I disassociate.

It’s easier to fall asleep when I put my grief into a tiny little box in the furthest recesses of my heart.

It’s easier to relax when my brain isn’t remembering as much about him.

It’s easier to move forward when I’m shut down.

I had a few things today pull the grief out of its box and air it out like all sorts of dirty laundry.

There were many instances of being *forced* to remember.

There were too many moments of “I…

I just finished another workout and thought I would share my experience. I know we all have our outlets but some of us have not found anything outside of our norms that give us relief. …

[Press Play] I am still hurting! I could wrap my day up in pain but I choose joy. It isn't easy. You wake up, think, this again, the dread, simple horror of facing a new day can be overwhelming, and you just want to lay there. Continue to lay there even longer. The minutes pass into an hour and maybe for you into hours but for me an hour is my max I hope to experience that horrors of another day.

I learned in a psychology course sometime ago that if I force myself to smile my body…

If you are reading this, chances are you have lost a loved one. If so, please accept my deepest condolences. I know it must be hard to get back into the swing of things and your emotions may be on a roller coaster of not knowing what to expect. Guess what? You’re not the only one. There are thousands of us (yes, me too) out there deliberating if we are doing the…

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There’s a dollar store close by and sometimes when I’m out running errands I’ll stop there because I don’t want to go home just yet. A few days ago as I wandered the aisles I came across a box of battery operated Christmas candles, the kind people put in their windows through the holidays. It’s an ancient tradition borrowed from many cultures. In Ireland, for example, during a time when Catholics were persecuted, a candle in the window signified that it was a safe house for priests to visit.…

Widow friends from Widville how can i begin to express my thanks for all of you.

Yesterday was a very bad day for me, My 25th wedding anniversary would have been today and it all hit me as i was reading emails.

He's not here--

sorry pro flowers…

We widows tend to put our spouses on pedestals. And why not. There’s nothing to be gained by cataloging the things that used to annoy us when our husbands were alive. It would only make us feel petty or ashamed to remember the hissy-fits we had over things like a forgotten anniversary, tracking snow in the house and toothpaste caps that didn’t get put back on. When our husbands were alive, most of us never would have acknowledged there could come a day when we’d give anything to have one of…