All Blog Posts Tagged 'loss' (39)

In two days it will be 18 months since I lost my husband of 20 years of marriage to a rare cancer, leaving me to raise our teen son alone.  And here I am wondering why I'm so burdened with sadness and despair, and why I keep bursting into tears. A phrase I saw years ago: "The mind tries to forget, but the heart always remembers."

It is not just the approach of Father's Day that is bringing up the sadness. I realized it was the memories of what happened two years ago during the month…

The book is by Jana Badridge Vargas, it is published by Luminary Enterprises and it is available on Amazon.

The author becomes interested in death at an early age and makes death her life work.  The book details many of the loses she has had over the years and her reaction to those losses.  The second half of the title isn't addressed, in my opinion, other than in the last chapter.  

The following is a part of a paragraph at the end of the book, that I think really sums up the…

People tell me I'm a good writer.

People tell me I'm a compelling writer.

People tell me that I write in such a way that my words affect them.

So why can't I express fully, in a way that makes me feel that *I* understand, how much I hurt and how incredibly devastating it is to be a widow?

I look through thesaurus entries:

Devastated: anguised, cheerless, dejcected, depressed, despairing, distressed, down, heartbroken, heartsick,…

This time last year David and I were getting so excited and after 34 years of marriage and four kids and five grandkids later, we were making plans for the "honeymoon" that we never had.



Last year I signed up to donate to the United Way through my job so my name went into the hat for the Grand Prize, which was a week stay in Hawaii. My name was drawn out of about 300 people. I was in shock. The trip included the use of a 5-bedroom luxury home on the north shore of Kauai that was…

If you are reading this, chances are you have lost a loved one. If so, please accept my deepest condolences. I know it must be hard to get back into the swing of things and your emotions may be on a roller coaster of not knowing what to expect. Guess what? You’re not the only one. There are thousands of us (yes, me too) out there deliberating if we are doing the…

     I remember Christmas’s past long ago.   The choir practices, the sleepy children to tuck in after church and the snow. Christmas’s at grandma’s house.   Songs sung in blue mini buses driving to and fro; Christmases with my mom here; Christmases missing her; Christmases with new grandchildren almost every year.  Last Christmas we were sick with the flu, but even then great grandpa came…unfortunately he got it too . 

Christmas is coming and so much has changed. No deep rich…

                                                      (not wound so perfectly after I used it)



........ or at least…

                                                 source



......…

I don't know why, but during the summer I had some weeks when I felt numb, or weeks when I actually felt okay. Yet, suddenly with Labor Day weekend, the feelings of grief have returned. Partly it is due to the fact it is a holiday weekend, as holiday weekends were usually the only time my departed workaholic husband would actually spend time with his family.  Partly it is due to the fact my husband did not live to see his son begin high school, did not live to help me buy our son his first…

Watercolors of memories wash my mind

Mixed with the dark, somber colors of pain and loss

Creating a palate of pleasure and pain

All intertwined in wispy tendrils 

That I reach out to grab in my hands

Only to find my hands empty

And so tears run through my heart

Leaving my soul aching

For that which once was but is no more

For it is just a watercolor of memories.

- C Marley

What is it about this "after" life that has made me so insecure? I never used to be this way. I find myself worried that I'm not good enough, not young enough, not pretty enough, not strong enough. 

I've been seeing a man (whom I'll just called MB) for several months now. MB is a nice guy. I enjoy the time I spent with him. But my insecurities make me afraid to hope that this might be a real relationship. My dating before MB ended up being really bad experiences. I think a…

Last week I got my first ever professional pedicure. It felt good to be pampered with the hot towels, a mud mask, nail shaping and callus removal. Even the silliness of having my toenails painted was fun although you’d have to look real hard to see the fleshed colored enamel. The only down side to getting them done was the sticker shock. I can’t believe I just paid $45 plus tip to do something I’ve been doing for myself all of my life.

What does toe nail pampering…

This is for those of you who have friends and family that want to help but dont know how to. print this out and give it to them.



HOW YOU CAN HELP ME 



Please talk…

I have been brought to my knees in this darkest of all human experiences.

I have been forcibly introduced to pain in all its forms.  I never knew there were so many levels of pain with varying degrees . . . so like a palette with infinite hues and saturation levels.  

I have been hellishly intimate with pain and its many companions, locked helplessly in its cold, fiery, embrace.

In my, oh so limited life experience and innocence, innately secure and…

I miss the sound of his voice.

I miss his sky blue eyes.

I miss his hugs.

I miss teasing him about getting older - his birthday was Monday.

I miss Michael and I just want him back!

Just thought I'd write a condensed version of my life with Spencer and how I came to be a widow. Can't sleep as usual and so I thought now would be a great time. 

So I'm Nikki =) Hi! I just turned 21 years old and just recently widowed as of 3 weeks ago. Most of the time you can find me pretty happy and down to earth. I'm a very positive person - but trust me, you can't be positive all the time. 

My world forever changed on September 19th, 2011 when my husband, Spencer, was…

When Yuri died, no one knew how to react to me. I was an utter mess. I didn't eat, I cried uncontrollably, I was withdrawn, confused, and purposeless. I wanted to disconnect and isolate myself, but I knew that would only make things worse.  I truly learned who my real friends were, some came as a surprise and some I knew I would be able to rely on; others that I thought would be there were not able to be whether it was a choice or being afraid of not know what to do, say, or feel. I am so…