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Ccdague's Blog (10)

Spring

Dearest Denny.....

As we slide into march, I become acutely aware that we approach the anniversary of your transition to your new existence. 12 months ago we tearfully prepared for your anticipated departure. I clung as would a spoiled child to a favorite toy. But you deftly slipped my grasp........and I was left with tears, rage, loneliness and anxiety. Now I know that you had to go.......that a wonderous existence was waiting........you are finally able to explore the universe as it was… Continue

Added by Ccdague on February 27, 2013 at 10:50pm — 2 Comments

If Winter Comes.....

How strange, this quiet house of mine. Christmas music softly in the background....I had worried that the sounds of my favorite melodies would send me careening over the edge of fresh grief.....but instead the familiar music and words brought a quiet smile to me. I put up the tree, remembering Denny's struggle last year to place ornaments just so.....he was a perfectionist.........and though pain stabbed at his back....his delight in having the tree was so obvious. A few gifts sit under the… Continue

Added by Ccdague on December 24, 2012 at 3:30pm — 7 Comments

Seasons

Dear Denny....

One full season has passed since you left this world of pain for your new existence in the next realm. It was on the first full day of spring that you slipped your earthly bonds to begin new extraordinary adventures. It was a beautiful, clear, warm New England day.....winter had relinquished her icy grip rather reluctantly......and the sun shone on your beautiful spirit. The garden stretched and yawned into wakefulness...the clematis bloomed gloriously, and the peonies… Continue

Added by Ccdague on July 1, 2012 at 1:02pm — 2 Comments

Life in the house

There is a new little life in our house. Bishop, an 8 week old collie puppy is now a permanent resident. Still soft, with his puppy fur, oversize paws ( he's going to be large)' striking color, he gives me joy and something to wake up for again. Who knew? Molly, my tonkinese cat, is not quite sure of this intruder....but he will win her heart as he won mine.

New life....after so many months of watching one spark slowly go out........could this little fur ball be my guide out of the… Continue

Added by Ccdague on June 30, 2012 at 11:47pm — 2 Comments

Fathers Day 2012

I woke up this morning with dreams of you in my mind.

I couldl almost feel the press of your body

Against my back as I lay in half sleep.

Lazy Sunday. Coffee. Reading the paper in the sunroom.

What do you want to do today?

It's your day.

Fathers Day.

You love being a father.

Protective. Proud. Encouraging.

Erin and Mark are here.

She cried last night.

What if he's forgotten me. she wondered?

Why would you…

Continue

Added by Ccdague on June 10, 2012 at 11:36am — 2 Comments

Weeping

Its not crying, not sobbing.....usually totally quiet. Triggered by a thought, word, song, memory. Quiet realization that I have woken up in a new place....looking like someplace I remember, but strangely alien. Liquid falls from my eyes in a strange, continuous stream...unbidden, but unable to stop. It happens anywhere....at my desk, in a restaurant, at the airport security line. What is this weeping of my eyes? It is my soul pouring forth. I miss you.

Added by Ccdague on June 6, 2012 at 12:15pm — 11 Comments

Only one who can bear the silence will hear the voice of God

And in that quiet moment you become very still. You stop flailing and thrashing. Through an overwhelming desire to propel your love to safety, to throw yourself between them and danger, you know. In this moment you stop praying for a cure and begin to pray for a peaceful, pain-free transition. To set their soul free. This is unconditional love.

Added by Ccdague on May 25, 2012 at 4:12am — 8 Comments

Toes

I was just looking at my toes. (I know. I am getting weirder by the minute). There are chips of pink polish on them from a weekend that Denny and I spent at a spa in Vermont three weeks before he died. We had a couples massage, and a mani pedi. He loved the pedicure......purred the entire time! Wonderful weekend. I think I'll leave the pink chips on till they wear off.

Added by Ccdague on May 24, 2012 at 6:16pm — 2 Comments

Motorcycle Mama

Never was a risk-taker
Until I met him.
Daddy said "no motorcycles".
Too unsafe. You'll get hurt.
So
I fall in love with a man.
Crazy about me
Crazy about motorcycles.
I have Harley boots.
I have a leather jacket.
I have mirror sunglasses.
I love to ride behind him.
Holding on.
I feel his muscles ripple.
He is in control.
I am under his spell.
I am his
Motorcycle Mama.
Forever.

Added by Ccdague on May 23, 2012 at 4:08pm — No Comments

Hands

Can you miss hands?
I do.
His hands were perfect for holding mine.
For cradling his baby's head
Wiping tears
Giving foot massages
Those hands could fix anything.
Plant flowers gently.
Split wood.
Messy with barbecue sauce or
Pristine when he cared for his patients.
Just a touch from those hands
Could send me whirling into our
Private heaven.
Can you miss hands?
I do.

Added by Ccdague on May 22, 2012 at 8:31pm — 7 Comments

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