"Carrying a Hole" - its an oxymoron. How does one carry a hole?
Usually when we think of carrying something we think of carrying weight, substance, bulk. How can one carry a hole? I guess we can carry something with a hole in it, but you cant carry just the hole. In the context of grief though, "Carrying a Hole" makes perfect sense. We carry a hole everywhere we go. A hole in our hearts, a hole in our lives where someone used to be. A hole in our beds, where our partners slept. A hole…Continue
This week is my eldest son's graduation from High School (we live in Australia). This has been a really tough year for him at school. He has never found study easy or "natural" and so for him to graduate is in and of itself an amazing achievement. The school have been awesome and have really done a lot to help him. They have supported and encouraged and cajoled and offered alternatives. So this week we find ourselves in the week of celebrations and milestones. He has worked hard, and learnt…Continue
Last week I had my birthday. Next week it will be Sean's birthday. His first since he has been gone. Our birthdays are 13 days less than a year apart. So for 13 days we were the same age. Only this year, he wont be going ahead of me anymore. This year I get to be the same age as him for a whole year. Then next year, I will be older than he will ever be. Sean worked away a lot so not being present with each other on our actual birthdays was not unusual. I didn't really miss him as such on my…Continue
I have 4 more years of school to go with the kids and then I am free to roam as Sean and I had planned to do. Only of course now, my plans, our plans, are all shot to pieces. Sean died and we never got to roam as we had planned. Do I go anyway, by myself? What will that look like? feel like? He was always saying "make memories"; "Live life" "travel the country" "see the world". We just never seemed to have the money to travel the world, but we did see a fair bit of…Continue
Sex - its a funny business; not just the mechanics of it. On one hand, it is the most intimate of all physical relationships possible. It is considered sacred in a committed relationship, and sex outside of marriage is often the catalyst for divorce. On the other, one night stands, booty calls, casual hook ups are considered normal among singles. I guess the two kind of balance each other out. Sex is a physical need and an emotional glue, (and of course a means to procreate). As…Continue
I have what is described in Australia, as a king sized bed. I am not sure what that is in other countries, but it is the largest standard sized bed available here. My husband was tall so he preferred a large bed where he could spread out. We were never cuddle sleepers, preferring to have a cuddle, then retreat to our respective sides for sleep. This has resulted in two definite dips in the plush mattress topper. Since Sean died, I have been acutely aware of the size of the bed and that I am…Continue
I have two thirteen year old boys! Yep two of them, twins. Their dad was killed a week after their thirteenth birthday. I am not sure when the right time to loose a dad is, but I am thinking a week after turning 13 isn't great timing! I also have a 17 year old son who is mostly human and is thoughtful and does even contribute in a positive way. Back to the 13yo's, I am so glad it is a stage. I do remember that 14 comes after 13 and 14 can be just as bad, if not worse, but again I keep…Continue
Yesterday I moved all of my husbands clothes out of our room. Even his socks and jocks. And I am proud of myself.
It will be five months this week since he passed. Until yesterday all of his things were as he had left them. I had tidied a little but I couldn't bring myself to move them. His toiletries are all still in the bathroom where he left them. His hat is still perched on top of my wine rack ready for him to grab it on the way to work. his side of the bedroom is still a mess as…Continue
I became a widow at about 7:45am on Friday the 30th of March 2018. It was Good Friday and my husband became an Easter weekend road toll statistic. I was 42, my husband was 43. The entire family was in the car, our twins aged 13 and eldest aged 17. I was injured fairly seriously but the boys escaped with minor cuts and bruises. The boys pulled me from the wreckage. My husband, their dad died instantly. That's the bare facts of how I joined the "widow/er club".
As a new member, I knew…Continue