It is October again. As it would be. The last time I published something was last October and that is no coincidence. Ron was diagnosed this week in 2011. He went to the clinic in Jakarta on Monday and Tuesday. Got sent to Singapore on Wednesday and on Thursday was told he had terminal pancreatic cancer. I am pulled back to writing, to putting these feelings on paper.
I am in a different place this year. Not rocked to my knees, feeling spun out of control by the…
The first week of October. Again. Four years later. I wake up and my chest hurts, aches. The real manifestation of heartache. It takes me a while to figure it out. At first I just think that I am lonely and don’t want to go to a social event in my town, alone, without Ron, again. And while that is true ,the heartache is bigger than that. I have been powering through, soldiering it on, sucking it up, crawling my way through social events for a long time. It’s been a while since grief held…Continue
Just need a space to vent:
Among my biggest challenges is anxiety. I get consumed by it. Sometimes it is a mask for grief/pain and anger. Sometimes there is something real to worry about. Sometimes it just runs rampant. Today I am amped up on both pharmaceauticals (klonopin) and homeopathic drops and will try to do little bursts of exercise throughout the work day. I have an acupuncture appointment tonight. I see a therapist. I am really trying to attend to it. I can't keep this up.…Continue
Having an angry day today. Feeling fury. I yelled in the car after dropping my daughter off at camp and yelled in the house before sitting down to work for the day. I never get to voice my fury and to yell it out was a good idea. I wish I could stand in the street and scream at the top of my lungs and break things, smash things to bits. I am not ready to dive into work yet so I am writing here to see if I can calm myself down. I feel angry. I feel so angry. I don't want to feel broken…Continue
Memorial Day 2012. The worst weekend of my life. The last weekend of Ron's life. This Saturday morning, three years ago, an ambulance ride, during which Ron hallucinated that we were going on vacation to the OBX, from the hospital back to our house so Ron could die at home. Nurses cried when they said good bye. The horror of the experience with the hospice organization that so badly hurt instead of helped us. I try to let those memories go, try to remember that Ron did get to die at home…Continue
Added by MissingRKK on May 23, 2015 at 3:55am — No Comments
Today I was talking to my therapist about work and life and how hard this transition time is while I try to learn how to manage and build the necessary muscles for being a full time working solo parent. As we talked about how I should think about a strategy for the future or an exit strategy if needed for my current job, we talked about how I know that I can do anything as long as I know it is finite. And then I had a breakthrough.
Ron is dead. He is going to stay dead. He is not on a…Continue
My friend is dying. I don’t know if she has weeks or months or even just days. My sense is weeks or a month—maybe more-- but that isn’t based on any real knowledge, just a feeling. I went to see her yesterday. It was hard and I had some fear and reservations before going. Showing up. Before Ron’s cancer and death I learned about the power and the absolute necessity in life of simply showing up from the author Anne Lamott. I didn’t have enough compassion or sensitivity or awareness or…Continue
Really? I have to do this again?
Seriously? I have to go through another holiday season without Ron again?!? Been there, done that, don’t wanna.
That is how I feel about this holiday season.…Continue
Weird title, right?
So let me tell you how puppies and grieving go together. At least for our family. Last year someone tried to give us a puppy. A kind, generous offer from a family friend who is a breeder and can get big bucks for these dogs. A puppy?!? Last year, I didn’t even want to be given a freaking plant. I did not want to care for another living creature as I felt like I was getting the stuffing kicked out of me just trying to take care of what already existed in our…Continue
I went to a job interview today. I WENT TO A JOB INTERVIEW TODAY!
This was a profound experience for me. It went fine. It was SO HARD. I was SO SCARED.
After we got married I quit my full time job and became a free-lancer. Then we had kids and I didn’t really know what I wanted to do, it was easy to justify wanting to be a stay at home mom. I was grateful for even having the choice to stay at home. Ron wasn’t comfortable being the sole income provider but he traveled…Continue
“First lesson of the day: People don't know that year 3 is often harder than year 1. You have to tell them. You have to ask for help. You have to get over yourself and let them help you.
---- I remind myself that before I was widowed I would have expected someone to be 'back to normal' by year 3. It is just so much more than losing a person (and that's huge). You lose the life you knew, the dreams you had, the stability...
Just like a new love can…
F-bomb alert. If you find them offensive you might want to skip this short entry.
I watched this beautiful short documentary about a teenager named Zach Sobiach who died from a rare form of cancer. He knew he was going to die, everyone knew he was going to die and he lived with this knowledge with such grace. He used his time, while he had it. He was loved and celebrated by his family and friends. I believe he was sick for a few years.
I watched this documentary and then I saw a trailer for a movie about teenagers living with cancer and how they lived…Continue
Sorry for another long post but I have a lot that needs to get out these days....
Lists: wishes, anger and hope April 28, 2014
I wish Ron was here. I wish Ron did not die. (duh)
I wish my family and closest friends would remember that our wedding anniversary is next week and that it makes me cry to think about it and I would like some company and some help…Continue
May. So it was going to arrive one way or another. I wish my brain and heart would have given me these final days in April to rest. But no, that is not what is happening. 6 days until our wedding anniversary and I am plunged back into a deep grief I haven’t felt for a while. Scattered, fragile, overwhelmed by grief, overwhelmed by each task large or small, doubting myself, my decisions, wondering what the hell am I going to do with my life now, wondering how another year could have passed…Continue
April. Said with a long inhale and a deeply exhaled sigh of relief, of respite.
It is April and finally I am free of anniversaries and holidays. One month of freedom before our wedding anniversary (no.13) and the second anniversary of Ron’s death. I don’t want to remember what happened in April and do I really have…
So it is springtime again. Although you wouldn’t know it if you looked out of the window. Usually by now the trees have a green glow around them as the first buds appear and the daffodils and crocuses are blooming loud and proud. Instead there is a layer of snow on the ground with bits of ice and mud, lots of mud, underneath. It is still so cold and the sky is grey and heavy.
Spring in DC is usually the best time of year. The spring of 2012 was slow and gorgeous. I remember sitting on…Continue
2014 started off well. I was so relieved that the holidays were over and that we’d made it through our second holiday season without Ron relatively unscathed. I was on a high for a while and felt good, solid. But bit by bit, that solidity chipped away and I started to shakily and rapidly sink down. I thought I was doing the grief work, I thought I was letting myself sit with the emotions that bubbled up. On the outside I’d say everything looked fine. We looked like we were managing…Continue
A beautiful video about the power of being able to grieve with others.
"We try to protect ourselves by not allowing our hearts to be broken. But a broken heart is not the end of anything. It’s the beginning of everything"
Disconnected February 23, 2014
Grieving and Parenting
I awoke at 4:30 from a bad dream in which something sinister was going to happen to Sophie. I awoke afraid, wary and with body grief. I tried to go back to sleep but I felt too upset. I also knew that I needed to get up at 5:30 to get Sophie out the door by 6:00 am for a soccer game. I finally started to cry…Continue