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Smit09's Blog (33)


I grew up in a small town, where everyone knew everyone and their mothers, grandmothers, etc.

I loved my town.

school, jobs, houses, met my husband there….but when he died there… I liked my town…


Added by smit09 on September 20, 2016 at 6:00am — 6 Comments

IN the Fog of widowed love

Forgive me

I've been in the fog of widowed love

it's a different fog than the first time

it's less rosy

and I've let it be less cozy

Forgive me

I've only been trying to fill the empty spaces

desperately trying, for years

grasping at memories, ancient and faded

repeating the stories, old and jaded

Forgive me

I didn't notice that the empty spaces were…


Added by smit09 on September 7, 2016 at 4:41am — No Comments

Sorry for those F-bombs

Sometimes I want to sing out loud.

I want to project my voice to the heavens, or wherever it is that you are, and show you that I am still in love with you.

That I will always be in love with you.

                                                               I love you.

                                                                                     I miss you!

missing you makes me want to float…


Added by smit09 on July 15, 2014 at 7:00pm — 3 Comments

Oasis and my first son.

Craig, my husband would be so very proud of our boy. 

Jack is 2.5 years old and he's the coolest kid.  Craig's been gone for 2.5 years.

Craig, my Chitty, would be so very proud of me.  His Smitty.

I've found love again.  A man who needed me as much as I needed him.  And his girls, who lost their mother found a brother who lost his father.…


Added by smit09 on April 2, 2014 at 9:00am — 1 Comment

Change is constant. Life is evolving. Death is inevitable. Love grows and remains.

I need a safe place to shed some more truths.  A place that I feel comfortable and un-judged... a place to release and unload, to clear my head and ease my heart, and naturally, widowed village is that place.

For those of you who have been with me through my widowed journey, know that I have found love again.  Nathan, my wonderful, remarkable widowed boyfriend who can handle my baggage, has changed my life.  It's true, no matter how much baggage I think I have…


Added by smit09 on August 14, 2013 at 9:00am — 9 Comments

The Final Chapter to the Courtroom Bullsh*t

DATES, Numbers, TIME

In 2.5 months my husband will have been gone for 2 years.  

22.5 months ago, he was struck by a drunk driver, t-boned in his newly boughten truck on his way to work on a sunday morning.  3 weeks after he lost his life, I gave birth to our son.  Our very first and only baby. (we wanted 4)

3 months before he was killed, we were married on a wonderfully warm June 18th.

2 months before our wonderful wedding day, we bought our first house…


Added by smit09 on July 15, 2013 at 5:45pm — 7 Comments

Don't compare your living boyfriend to your dead husband

Have you thought about being in a relationship again?

It's extremely complicated yet totally satisfying at the same time...however...

Tonight I picked a fight with my boyfriend.  It wasn't a big fight, or anything serious, which makes me…


Added by smit09 on June 27, 2013 at 6:30pm — 11 Comments

Dreary drama of the Courthouse Saga

JUNE 12 2013 @ 10 am

sentencing date of the drunk driver who killed my husband,Craig


As I walk up to the courthouse, I can barely move forward as knots, tangled and massive knots tied into bigger knots fill my stomach---feeling extremely nausious and it's almost debilitating.  Now I start to notice the irritating vibrations from the neurons in my brain pulse throughout my entire body, I have to sit down, drink some…


Added by smit09 on June 14, 2013 at 7:00am — 8 Comments

ASHES to ashes, we all fall down.

Hello fellow widvillers..

It's been a while since I've written a blog or made a post.

I am posting today, because I find my heart in torment (again),...and it's irritating because I've made such positive progress since my husbands passing.

He's been gone 1 year and 6 months and a day.

We were together for 2 years, everything was magical, and the world was going to be ours, and it was going to last FOREVER---until that unfathomable day that he was killed by…


Added by smit09 on February 28, 2013 at 8:51am — 10 Comments

Soul of Life

Soul of Life

awake my soul;

peacefully; the soul of my mate at rest.

will I find my answers or my fate,

when he was the best?

awake my soul.

I can breathe in the air.

unfamiliar, and unaware.

my surroundings take me there.

they take me there.

awake my soul,

still here, not…


Added by smit09 on December 10, 2012 at 3:30am — 4 Comments

MEMORIES, they are all we have now.

Now, all we have are our memories.

That's really too bad, especially after all that we shared, and all that we had.

But we have the memories.

And sometimes the memories seem faded and distant and old.


that sucks. 

especially considering that one day I WILL BE old, and he'll always be this young, handsome dude.

but the memories...

we hold on tight to those memories.



Added by smit09 on December 6, 2012 at 7:00pm — 11 Comments

Why deer make me miss my husband

please keep in mind that this is coming from a vegetarian mind.

It's been a long time with out Craig. Over a year. I miss him. I think that could be the biggest understatement of the year.  He's been weighing heavy on my mind lately.  I know how proud he'd be of the changes I've made in my life, he'd be jacked about the studio and how well the dogs have been.  He'd be the most proud of his little boy.  He's walking all over the place now... Craig would be having so…


Added by smit09 on November 11, 2012 at 7:30am — 3 Comments

life goes on/ change is constant. My life's mantra.

My 21st blog on the 12th of September.

September....yikes. It's a difficult month for me. I have been keeping very busy, keeping my mind occupied with an array of things, keeping my body busy too.


Craig's birthday was September 2nd. He would have been 25. 

         Craig's accident was September 25th. He died on the 27th.  I am 27.

                   Our son is 10.5 months old...he is absolutely…


Added by smit09 on September 12, 2012 at 4:30pm — 8 Comments

Peach Tree Memories

Peach tree memories:


It was winter 2011 when Craig and I fell in love with our dream family home.  A fair sized property, adequate to take on our needs and desires.  It was in deed a fixer upper but we could see the potential non-the-less. 

Since it was March when we moved in, not every tree was in bloom but we could tell that the trees were by far our favorite part of the property.



Added by smit09 on August 13, 2012 at 4:30pm — 9 Comments

Dating after Losing

A rainy day in Port Bruce with my new love.

Hmmm... I'm not entirely sure how this blog is going to go...I am sort of free writing here.  I am feeling so much, and on crazy levels...deep,... unfathomably deep levels. On every end of the spectrum.

1) beyond bereaved-the sudden loss of my sweet husband & best friend Craig.



Added by smit09 on July 21, 2012 at 8:30pm — 21 Comments

screw June

In advance I'd like to apologize for my defective mood and possibly my horrid proclivity in expressing myself in this blog.  I am not in a positive place at the moment.  I may use distasteful language, just so everyone's warned.


although some wonderful, unexpected things happened to me this June, for the most part June has been just fucking substandard.  I know that it's expected considering it's still under a year since the sudden passing of my…


Added by smit09 on June 26, 2012 at 8:00am — 19 Comments

The Unexpected Turn on my Grief Path to Healing

So this will be my 17th blog I'm about to write...and that is hard to believe.  I love reading them back though, its a reminder of how my journey has gotten me here... and with all honesty, as crazy as this is about to sound...... 

I am really enjoying 'here' right now.

I am not ready to share this with all of the family and friends yet, not even close...but it's too good to keep to myself, so I am sharing it with you fine folks.

My life's…


Added by smit09 on May 27, 2012 at 7:30pm — 21 Comments

old timers on bikes

Weather has played a big part in my journey to that healing place.

When Craig died (late sept) it started to get very cold. On the day that he died, it was raining and miserable but miraculously when he was announced 'diseased' @ 12:44pm the sun came out and shined so bright.  The days following Craig's death it was windy, but not cold.  The whole autumn season was eerily warm.  I felt a calm when I would walk around our property and hear the leaves dance around in circles around the…


Added by smit09 on May 17, 2012 at 6:30pm — 9 Comments

no wedding anniversary

I try to think back to when I was a little girl...

did I have those ideas of being a bride and having a dreamy wedding? You know, that fairy tale, ball and gown day, fit for a prince and princess kind of day?? ...I really do not…


Added by smit09 on May 10, 2012 at 7:00pm — 15 Comments

Month 7: so this is how it feels

I've described this feeling that I get at this time each month in a previous blog, and without fail, it happens again.  I thought for sure, since I've been working hard at progression, that this feeling would ease off, but of course....not one bit.

I just returned from Camp Widow East…


Added by smit09 on April 27, 2012 at 6:30pm — 7 Comments

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