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Paula's Blog (10)

Once and again the widow in the room The slow dance

 It has been five long years, and boy have they been long. I have worked really really hard to rebuild my shattered life.  Most of the time I am in a pretty good place. I won’t go into everything I have been thru and done, because we are here on this site and we have been there.  The ability to abbreviate my story in this space is one that I have really begun to appreciate.  Going to weddings has got to be one of the worst widow activities next to planning…


Added by Paula on July 22, 2015 at 5:50pm — 19 Comments

Looking back from the perspective of 5 years

This was a milestone year. 5 years. how it happened I don't know I think the below makes so much sense where I am right now

I did not write this but I think that after five years these are indeed the things I have learned. I wish I knew who wrote it because I would give them credit, but whoever wrote it really gets it.

A time finally comes when you "get it" ... when, in the midst of all your tears and insanity you stop in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head…


Added by Paula on June 2, 2015 at 6:33pm — 17 Comments

Valentines day

 It is the stupidest fucking day of the year. It is DESIGNED to make everyone partnered or not to feel bad about what they give or what they get. Top that together with the NOT STOP COVERAGE of Fifty Shades of Stupid and I am ready to punch a baby. I cannot believe that a book that celebrates a woman abdicating control of her life when we ALL LOST CONTROL of our lives. I wish that someone would talk about sitting there watching my husband…


Added by Paula on February 13, 2015 at 4:10pm — 1 Comment

When do I stop having widow problems or is it always widow problems.

Right after Bill died I had a lot of problems. Tons of them, millions of them, and all of them, each and every one directly related to his death.  I was in the Hole. They ranged from a soul crushing paralyzing depression to the inability to open my garage door after a snow storm (of course I could not remove the snow) and power failure.  I had an old car with a lot of problems. I had lost my job and my career of over 29 years was over. Most of my friends went on what I call the widow…


Added by Paula on July 26, 2014 at 2:00pm — 6 Comments

A cottage by the hole

I'm having a tough night tonight. I guess I am a good example of even tho it's been four years ,even tho I am dating someone, I just cannot shake the feeling that Bill was the thing that made me brave. He was a recruiter and felt his ability to judge people was a true skill of his. If he thought I was good then I was, Now I am so scared. All the time. Having someone in my life is good, but I feel like a beach house sitting on stilts that has been there for years with the…


Added by Paula on June 24, 2014 at 3:59pm — No Comments

our wedding day June 11, 1988

Added by Paula on June 10, 2014 at 3:30pm — 3 Comments

Appetizer for two, when you are only one.

I went for a bike ride today in the historic district of my town. I went with a meetup group called Casual Bikers, which is exactly what I am. I have never met a hill I actually like, and this group goes about avoiding them in a nice manner. It was as beautiful a Connecticut day as you can have. Clear, dry, warm but not too warm. We have had tons of rain so the grass and the trees are a brilliant emerald green, while the spring flowers are at their peak, in every bright color you can think…


Added by Paula on May 25, 2014 at 2:58pm — 3 Comments

The widow who counted cars

Here is my funny story for tonight. When my husband was alive, one of the things that I hated to do was shop for cars. He LOVED the process. When it was time to get a car the thing would take a year. Entire weekends devoted to it. Hours on the computer. Newspaper ads analyzed. Then, a strategy decided on. When the moment finally arrived and he was ready to get the best deal he could he would pretty much throw himself on the hood of the desired car declare his love and claim…


Added by Paula on May 15, 2014 at 9:30am — 4 Comments

When reality hits you with a 2 by 4

I know that I am a widow. I know my husband is dead, dead now for coming up to four years in March. I miss him in more ways than there are numbers and ways to measure how to miss him.  I know that I was lucky to have him and the love we shared. I know that I now have a pretty nice relationship going with a man.  Not the same mind you, but pretty satisfying just the same. But, I know that last night when I got in from my enduring flight from Gunnison CO, to Denver, to Cleveland to…


Added by Paula on December 17, 2013 at 12:42pm — 6 Comments

This time four years ago...

On the outside it does not look that different. My husband traveled for work and he was not around during the week anyway. I was also being what they so politically call being "managed out" at my job, which just means they can't lay me off because then they cannot replace me, with cheaper model so instead they would review my work every day and find something wrong to they could eventually fire a person who always had outstanding reviews for "poor performance". I hated my job anyway. I live…


Added by Paula on December 2, 2013 at 6:34am — 4 Comments

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