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Shellybean's Blog (8)

Fury

Today is my first wedding anniversary. Not just since my Marcus died in January... My first one EVER. He was killed one week shy of our four month wedding anniversary. I'm sad. Duh. But I can feel this molten lava-like anger building inside of me as the day continues. Anger isn't right... Fury is more like it. I want to scream. I want to go to the grain elevator and do damage. I want to kick someone. I'm just livid. I'm so broken today. Despite the efforts of my wonderful family to brighten…

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Added by shellybean on September 8, 2018 at 12:37pm — 11 Comments

Shattered

A couple months ago, I dropped my phone. The screen protector broke. It did exactly what it was designed to do. (Yay!) Then a couple days later, I dropped it again. (I'm hard on phones y'all.) Unfortunately, it landed on something right between the case and the screen protector, and shattered the screen.

No big deal, I thought to myself, I've destroyed my fair share of Straight Talk phones in the past. I'll just run to Wal-Mart and grab another one, just like I've always…

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Added by shellybean on August 27, 2018 at 5:21pm — 3 Comments

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend…

All it took was one manila envelope.

It was Saturday evening, and the girls and I were trying to have a relaxing evening after a long day spent at the zoo. Everyone was tired, but refusing to rest. So tempers were a little short and moods were a bit sour. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything. At one point, I realized I hadn’t checked the mail, so I went outside and did so.…

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Added by shellybean on July 26, 2018 at 11:00am — 1 Comment

The Gift is Life, The responsibility is Living:

(Today’s blog post title is thanks to a comment made by MartyG that I saw on WidVille one day while reading old blog posts.)

I’m acknowledging a hard time with my grief work right now. I don’t feel like I’m thriving, not even really living...just surviving. I judge my every move (or lack of movement…) right now. I know I’m my harshest critic. I am so incredibly inpatient and unforgiving of myself. I know I’m…

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Added by shellybean on July 19, 2018 at 11:30am — 8 Comments

Contagion

Six months into this grief journey. One week shy of six months into this new job. And I finally had my first unscheduled time off due to my grief today. Honestly, I’m pretty proud of that. Yes, I’ve taken a planned mental health day here or there.

Sleeping poorly the past couple weeks has finally caught up to me. My energy tank was depleted to Empty. First, both girls were in bed with me all night. One of the girls…

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Added by shellybean on July 10, 2018 at 6:47pm — 1 Comment

It's Not Heavier Than Yours

(Marcus and I were only married one week shy of four months when he was killed in a work accident. We’re only 32. We’d only been together for a little over 2 years. We spent 15 years apart before reconnecting (high school sweethearts). I’ll write a more in-depth post at some point about my story, but that’s the Cliff Notes version for reference on this post.)

So many people try to compare their hurts and trials to…

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Added by shellybean on July 8, 2018 at 6:37pm — 2 Comments

A Constant Battle

One of the hardest things I struggle with is the constant battle between the child of God and the human self. Between good and bad. Between my heart and my soul. This battle takes many forms.

Sometimes, grieving me wanting to yell at God: “Why did You take him? What did I do? What did he do? Marcus put his life back together and now he’s dead…

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Added by shellybean on July 5, 2018 at 8:30am — 3 Comments

How has it already been six months?!

How has it already been six months?! Just yesterday we were standing together, shoulder to shoulder, us against the world, ready to conquer it as part of our life adventure. Yet at the same time, it feels like a lifetime since I last touched you. 



I don't feel courageous today, my Prince. I'm lost without you. So alone in this chapter. Surrounded by love but unable to embrace it. Despite their efforts, our wonderful friends…

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Added by shellybean on July 2, 2018 at 6:30pm — 2 Comments

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