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AlanRRT's Blog (24)

Five years

My grandmother died in March.  My mother died in March.  As bad as those were, they don't hold a candle to my wife, Elaine, dying in March.  I get to the end of February and wish I could go to bed and wake up and it's April 1.  That's never going to happen, so I have to feel the pain.  These last few years have taught me that the pain has to be felt, there is no way around it.  There are self-destructive ways to mask the pain, but all that does is postpone it.  The pain has to be felt in…


Added by AlanRRT on March 22, 2017 at 5:00am — 1 Comment


It's been a bit over four years for me.  Today, I was thinking about what I regret about being married to Elaine. All of my regrets have one thing in common, that they are about the things we never got to do.

Elaine was afraid to fly.  I should say terrified, she wouldn't even talk about it, and shut down when I brought the subject up.  That meant that all our travels were only as far as we could drive.  She got over that, and shortly before she died she flew to Arizona to visit her…


Added by AlanRRT on April 22, 2016 at 9:14am — No Comments

Four years

Although it seems like a lifetime ago, it was four years ago today that my world turned upside down.  March 22, 2012.  The day I came home from work and tried to wake up my Elaine to have dinner, only to discover that she wasn't asleep.  The day everything in my life changed.  The day my life went from stable, happy, full of love and joy and adventure to this dark journey into pain.

For about the first two years, the only constant in my life was change.  Now, life is settling down. …


Added by AlanRRT on March 22, 2016 at 6:26am — 6 Comments

Some thoughts on getting married again

So I made the plunge and got married again.  I didn't feel the need that I had to be married, but I was open to it.  I'd been through a bad marriage, I'd been through a wonderful marriage and I knew which one I preferred, and I wasn't settling for anything less than wonderful.

I met Glory (current wife) and we hit things off right away.  It wasn't always perfect, there was a lot that we had to work out, but we did and we ran away to Hawaii and got married after going together for a…


Added by AlanRRT on March 23, 2015 at 10:31am — 9 Comments

Three years

Today marks three years since Elaine left this world.  At one year, the world was upside down.  At two years, I was learning to live in an upside down world.  At three years, now upside down is feeling normal to me.

Sometimes it seems as though the life Elaine and I shared was a dream, just a distant memory.  Then there are other times that it all comes crashing down on me, it is all too real.  I'll be near a woman wearing the perfume she used to wear.  I'll see a light blue Hyundai,…


Added by AlanRRT on March 21, 2015 at 10:00pm — 2 Comments

Two years

Today marks two years since the world turned upside down, since that horrible day I came home from work to find Elaine dead on the floor.

The first year was a nightmare, figuratively and often literally.  The second year was better, mainly because it couldn't be worse than the first.  Healing started, life started rebuilding.

Life used to be so consistent for me.  I knew that I would come home from work and be greeted with a hug, kiss, and a good dinner.  I knew that every…


Added by AlanRRT on March 21, 2014 at 9:00pm — 7 Comments

Day after Valentine's

Today, February 15, marks the day a beautiful tradition started between Elaine and me.  I don't even remember what year, but she sent me to the drug store the day after Valentine's day, and all the candy was on sale.  I saw a 2.5 pound tub of candy hearts for 50 cents, and couldn't resist it.  When I got home and showed her, she flippantly said "What are you going to do, write me a love letter with them?" and went upstairs.  That's about all it takes for me, she gave me the idea and I did…


Added by AlanRRT on February 15, 2014 at 7:32pm — 5 Comments

Free washer and dryer

I have a washer and dryer I'm not using.  I offered them before but no takers, put them in storage until I found a place to buy and now that time has come and I need to clean out my storage locker.  The dryer is gas, and they both work good.  The place I'm buying already has a washer and dryer, and  I'd rather give them to a widow that has a need than sell them.  I have a truck so can deliver them within a reasonable distance of Anaheim, CA.

Added by AlanRRT on July 28, 2013 at 8:00am — 2 Comments

Yes, hope matters

Shortly after Elaine died, I looked for some web sites on grief and found a couple.  Someone later (I don't remember who she was, but I owe her a great debt) told me about Widowed Village.  My experience, as with others I have talked to, is that I never went back to the other sites.

I recently started getting Facebook posts from one of the other sites (which shall remain nameless) and the tone of them was quite different from Widowed Village.  I started reading the posts more…


Added by AlanRRT on April 24, 2013 at 7:43pm — 10 Comments

One year

One year ago.  One trip around the sun. Twelve months ago today was the day the world turned upside down.  The day I came home from work and tried to wake Elaine to have dinner, only to discover that she wasn't asleep.  One year.  Easter.  Our anniversary.  Fourth of July.  Her birthday.  Thanksgiving. Christmas.  New Years.  My birthday.  Valentine's Day.  All celebrated without her.

It seemed…


Added by AlanRRT on March 21, 2013 at 9:30pm — 13 Comments

I hate widow brain

A year ago, I didn't take any medication at all, now I have my personal pharmacy.  I have pills I take in the morning, at mid day, and at night.  Due to widow brain, it's difficult to keep track of them so I got a pill container that has seperate compartments for each day of the week.  It's now Sunday morning, which means it's time to refill the weekly container.


I fill all seven compartments, and then retrieve the morning pill.  Why did I put it in the container and then…


Added by AlanRRT on January 27, 2013 at 8:25am — 9 Comments

Stop the world, I want to get off.

This grief journey is an odd thing.  Sometimes things are going along calm, or at least as calm as they can be.  Then you get hit by something that makes it worse.  Other times, you get hit by an avalanche.

Yesterday was an avalanche day for me.  First I get to work and look at next week's pay check (we can do that on line.)  It seems a bit light, so I look at the deductions.  I had changed my deductions to single and this was the first check reflecting that status, I knew more taxes…


Added by AlanRRT on December 15, 2012 at 6:58am — 7 Comments

Washer and dryer

I'm going to be moving at the end of December.  The condo complex where I will be buying has washers and dryers built in, so I have a GE washer and Kenmore dryer I won't need.  Before I try to sell them, I'm offering them to any widow that could use them for free.  I'm in Anaheim, CA, and could deliver them a reasonable distance.

Let me know by about Dec. 15 if you want them.


Added by AlanRRT on November 30, 2012 at 5:07am — 2 Comments

Little things that cause big hurt

Elaine never got dressed unless she had a reason to, she was so comfortable in our home that she stayed in her pajamas.  That was her, she lived in her pajamas, and she literally died in her pajamas.  She loved having a peaceful, comfortable home.

Today I was getting ready for Thanksgiving and I moved the coffee table to vaccuum under it (yes, it's been eight months and I haven't vaccuumed under the coffee table.  Or anywhere else) and there was a pair of her slippers.

A pair…


Added by AlanRRT on November 19, 2012 at 10:07am — 5 Comments

The things that will never be

Today was supposed to be the day that Elaine and I flew to Seattle, and spent a few days there.  Then we were going to board an Alaska cruise on Sunday, and when it was over we were going to cross the dock and take another cruise ship from Vancouver to Los Angeles rather than fly home.  (Due to an obscure law from the 1800's, we couldn't stay on the same ship and take a second cruise to Los Angeles.)  We'd been on two cruises and had the time of our lives, we were so looking forward to this…


Added by AlanRRT on September 13, 2012 at 8:45pm — 12 Comments

It's Friday

What a week this has been.  First week back at work, and the good people I work with made it so easy.  Tuesday was my first day at work.  Wednesday was five months since I lost Elaine.  Thursday was her birthday.  Today is Friday and the work week is over for me.  I came home from work and there was a message from the funeral home that Elaine's headstone is in place now.  I think that's the last thing, and it's all final now.  All final except for the love I have for her.

Added by AlanRRT on August 24, 2012 at 7:12pm — 8 Comments

Back to work

i went to employee health today and was cleared to go back to work.  I've been off since Elaine died on March 22.  I hope I'm ready, I feel like I'm ready, but if i go back and can't take it I'll have to start the disability process all over again, and i don't want that bother.  If I didn't work in a hospital, I'm sure I'd have been back to work quite a while ago.  It will be good to see everyone I work with and be productive again.  I'm scheduled to start Aug. 21.  Time for me to join the…


Added by AlanRRT on August 6, 2012 at 11:14am — 16 Comments


It's past 1 am, and I'm not able to sleep.  It used to be that at 11 pm I was passed out.  How can one person love another so much that weeks later, the one that's left still can't sleep, even with prescription sleeping pills?

How can one person love another so much that an adult man is reduced to crying like a little girl?

How can one person love another so much that all life seems hopeless without her?

How can one person love another that without her, he has constant…


Added by AlanRRT on June 1, 2012 at 12:34am — 16 Comments

Big boys don't cry

Big boys don't cry.  That's what I was always taught growing up.  Being a baby boomer, our fathers were all in the military, and had to be super tough, and were super tough, or they wouldn't have lived to have children after the war.  I'm not blaming anyone, that's just the way it was.  So we were always taught by these super tough men, and the women that married them, that big boys don't cry.

When I was seven, i was running at school, slipped in some sand, and stopped the fall with…


Added by AlanRRT on May 27, 2012 at 11:32am — 3 Comments

Missing our good life together

Elaine was always wanting to work on some project, and never quite finishing, or even starting, it.  One was to make a scrapbook of our last cruise.  I've written about it before, eight days to Mexico, my profile picture was taken on that cruise.  She had all the materials gathered in a bag, and had written a daily journal while on the cruise.  I knew about the journal, but had never read it.  I found the bag today, everything is gathered and ready to make a scrapbook.  Maybe I'll do that…


Added by AlanRRT on May 22, 2012 at 7:06am — 7 Comments

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