I'm not going to apologize for this. I have a pet peeve. If you want to blog, fine. But I you want to use this site as an "advertisement" for your "other" blog, don't ever expect me to read it. This site, and the people on it, saved my life. I take offense to those who post here with a "link" to their "other blog". This is supposed to be a "community" of people who share their pain, challenges, hopes, etc.
I would say, post here with no "links" or don't post at all.
So, here I am. 4 years and 6 plus months after Paul died. I would be lying if I said I don’t think about him anymore. He flashes through my mind all the time. I hear his voice in the back of my head a lot. But you should know this. Paul and I were only together for less than 3 years. Married just over two years. It is a short time. I don’t ever think about my ex-husband and we were together a lot longer. My friend Fred understood, he told me, “AED, it doesn’t…Continue
It feels like people are dying all around me. And, well, they ARE. I am 52 years old. Not old by most standards. Not old enough to count a lot of dearly departed. Yet, I am counting now on the second hand and running out of fingers. 2009: My brother at 49 years old. 2012: My husband at 54 years old. 2013: My mother at 82 years old. 2014: My good friend at (my age) 51 years old. 2015: OUR friend Fred, at xx years old.…Continue
Monday, Dec. 1st. 1:09am Hawaii Time.
Disclaimer: I am going to whine a lot, but then I'm going to make a point that I hope won't be misunderstood.
This is an incredibly isolated existence. The last time I went anywhere besides the park here in the military housing was on Nov. 10th I think. 20 days ago. Wow. My record before that was 16 days. I have had two phone conversations in the past month. I do get to talk to another mom occasionally when they are at the…Continue
I sat down to write something...anything. And nothing comes. I have not felt this mute for quite some time. Robbed of adjectives and any descriptive words to say what is with me.
Wordless. A very sad state of affairs.
If I had to pick a word, it would be ...desolate. Yes, that is the one. Devoid is also a good choice.
I’m packing my bags again. Hawaii is my next stop in this new crazy journey of widowhood. As I begin the process of packing for the move, I realize there is really not much to do. The process this time should only take a few hours rather than days or even weeks. With each move the past 2.5 years, the material items left to bring along with me have become fewer and fewer. I have pared down to the bare minimum in order to be able to live this way. Currently, there are clothes/shoes, some…Continue
Six weeks ago I decided to run away from home. Wanting to leave the crappy job I had and escape all the drama and chaos of family situations was not the initial thought that led me to the decision, but those things were most definitely deciding factors.
So, having put the original plan in motion and feeling like the change would lead to unimagined possibilities, I quit my job, sold/gave away 90% of everything I owned, put the rest in storage in Texas, packed the essentials in my car…Continue
I have discovered that my favorite tree is the Japanese maple. I just recently learned this on a trip to San Francisco with my bff MiMi and her Niece and Grandniece (a set of truly fabulous people). We spent the last Sunday going to the Japanese Tea Gardens, the SF Botanical Gardens, then lunch at Far East in Chinatown (a fabulous place with private booths that have curtains), then the finale’ was a trip to Alcatraz, which I had thought about but never done in the 20 previous years that I…Continue
.....paper shuffling, looking, looking...umm....finds name on page.. Paul." This is how the probate lawyer started his conversation with me this afternoon in the courtroom, when prepping me for the heirship and administration hearing. Two years ago, this kind of thing would have made me furious. Today, it simply annoyed me. Perhaps it is the passing of time, or perhaps it is because I have come to expect so little from people when it comes to being sensitive and respectful when it comes to…Continue
I’ve just completed my third move since my husband Paul died. Tomorrow will be 1 year and 6 months since that day. I’ve spent the past week settling in, setting up my room, re-arranging it again, unpacking, hanging up clothes, and all the mundane things moving requires. I am renting a room in a very nice house in a very nice neighborhood. It is just me and the woman owner (whom I am friends with from a mutual association). She is downstairs and my room is upstairs with a big closet, and a…Continue
"And we're singing it out our voice - We can make that choice to be - To be free now" Joss Stone, "Free Me"
It is Fifteen months now since I said my last “I Love You” to Paul as the nursing staff rushed him out of the hospital room and down the hall towards the heart cath lab. Fifteen…Continue
2 steps back. Or is it 3 forward...then 5 back? That is what this journey feels like right now. Maybe it's not that at all though. Maybe there are just different "zones" that I move to and from. There's the zone I get to where I am sick and tired of being sad and I take some action to try and to improve my outlook and my happiness. Then I start to panic or I just get full of fear and so insecure. I retreat back to the "comfort" zone. And by comfort I don't mean it is comforting, I mean…Continue
I am on a mission.
And, OH…what a mission it is. Is there a special designation for us Widows and Widowers? We need a special unit…perhaps called ”Widow Ops”.
“Widow Ops” are those missions where you know the general framework, but you don’t have any idea about the details, the targets, the possible obstacles, the nervous panicky missteps, and the sheer outright fear of it all.
And oh…there are minefields. Let’s not forget about those. You think you know what you…Continue
I have discovered that am a virtual human. My relationships now consist of various messages exchanged back and forth to my friends on Widowed Village, my Facebook friends and family, my association members (we do meet once a month but most communication is online), and most recently I joined an online dating site (yikes!) in an attempt to find some companionship and hopefully get out of the house on occasion to do something other than grocery shopping.
On the one hand, I am so very…Continue
Two mornings ago, after a major soap sudsing..i pried my wedding and engagement ring off my finger. I had to pry them off because I have gained 20 lbs since Paul and I got married in 2010. All during the sudsing ritual, I am staring at a picture of Paul and I, cuddling up close on a trip to Lousiana, in a heart shaped picture frame, propped up on the bathroom counter. While I am doing this, I am talking to the picture, telling him that I am just "trying this out" and if he is displeased in…Continue
So, the year mark passed, and guess what? I am still a widow, yet a different version than this time last year. Last year, when my husband died we were planning a trip to Hawaii to see my first grandbaby days after she would be born. Paul died on Feb. 13th, and my grandbaby Kelli was born Feb. 18th. We had tickets to Hawaii for Feb. 21st which turned out to be the day of his funeral. (sonofabitch!)
This year, I wanted to be there for Kelli's first birthday so I'd been saving and…Continue
I have, for the most part, avoided "Christmas" this year. I have not sent cards, I have not shopped, etc. Yet, I have put up a Christmas tree, the one thing for some strange reason was important to me and always has been. I remember when I first moved in with Paul, before we were married, I dragged him to Wal-Mart because "Oh yes, we are going to have a christmas tree." I'm not sure why that one symbol is important to me, but it is. And I can sit, in the evening, looking at the lights and…Continue
I have just finished watching “The Kings Speech.” I’ve seen it 3 times now. I love this movie. If you haven’t seen it..you must check it out. What does this have to do with widowhood? Well, I don’t have a stammer, although when I was younger I did have to take speech classes because I have an overbite and could not pronounce s’s at all. I would say my name as “Alithon” instead…Continue
I considered several titles for this blog, however this one had to be it. I'm going to talk about Anger and since I am a
woman and can only write from that perspective, well that made the title just perfect. Many of us have felt it during this grief journey. I have become somewhat intimate with this particular emotion during the last 9 mos. As an important point to my story here, I want those of you who have seen some of my angry days in chat to know that, I have never really been an…