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Smp1122's Blog (7)

Forever an Add-On

I thought, staring at that blue coffin that day, was the saddest day of my life....and maybe it was...of my other life...but today, this Christmas morning was the saddest day of my new life.  As I sat there surrounded by my Mom and step-dad and my sister and her family....I realized....I am an add-on, an addition to, a tag-a-long. My little family, mine, my own....the family I had given life to, given my heart and soul to....my lifeslong dedication...is gone.  My husband is in heaven, my son…

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Added by smp1122 on December 25, 2014 at 7:58pm — 4 Comments

My Birthday Wish Forever

I turned 43.  It was the second birthday without you.  It was as hard as the first.  We had a party. We went dancing.

It was nice....it was really nice but it still stung.  It still hurt.  They played a few of your songs and I had to walk out. I didn't want to bring the crowd down.  Every time for the rest of my life, when I blow out my birthday candles and make a birthday wish....it will always be that I wish you were here.  You were such a pain in the ass but you made me feel so…

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Added by smp1122 on November 24, 2014 at 6:50am — No Comments

Are You ok?

My new boyfriend has begun to sleep over some nights.  He says to me...every time I move you jump and ask "am I ok?". He says I am not even awake but I ask it every single time.

I have tried to explain that I was a caretaker for many years.  Gary was sick alot at night, had alot of accidents.  He tried to clean them up himself out of pride and embarrassment but as a caretaker you can sense something is wrong.  How many nights did I wake up to him sobbing, embarrassed and helpless.  I…

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Added by smp1122 on November 6, 2014 at 11:57am — 4 Comments

The Day the Sun Stopped Shining.....

At 3.41am today, a year ago. the sun stopped shining.

Gary had been in the hospital since Sunday and it's Wednesday.  He had surgery Monday morning and had been fighting all sorts of symptoms.  I keep saying it but I honestly, honestly never thought he wouldn't make it.  Gary had survived two cancers (totally unrelated).  He got non-Hodgkins lymphoma of the thymus in…

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Added by smp1122 on October 22, 2014 at 11:30pm — 2 Comments

Today, Tomorrow and That Day

You came home from a trip. You insisted on date night even though your tummy hurt. We went to PF Chengs and a movie. We took this pic. Next day I ran errands, you were still hurting. To the ER we go. You were so damn mad I made you go...even the ER nurses were laughing. Thank God football was on. I left you at 11pm because I had a big meeting the next morning. My single largest regret in life. Nex…
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Added by smp1122 on October 21, 2014 at 7:06am — No Comments

Lost our way...........

I honestly don't believe I have ever seen a sadder picture than this pic.  This is my son Frank, whom we affectionately call Tank.  This is Tank at his father's funeral.  The single most important person in this boy's life.  His best friend, his world, his idol, his love, his heart, his foundation and his rock.  He is wearing his daddy's "joke" glasses.  He is wearing his…

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Added by smp1122 on October 13, 2014 at 8:00am — 3 Comments

9 months

I know it's been said over and over but how can the love of my life leave this earth at the young age of 44 and the world continue to spin and time march on. How can that be? I have promised to blog this journey but to be perfectly honest I was too busy living and surviving this hell to talk about it.



I cried for you today. I cried for me, for us, for our son. The tears are always right there on the edge and I never know when they are coming. I'm an emotional mess in my mind. To… Continue

Added by smp1122 on July 23, 2014 at 6:52pm — 3 Comments

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