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MidnightBear (Tony)'s Blog (24)

Facade

My wife and I used to giggle at women who were wearing too much makeup.  My wife almost never wore makeup at all, the only time she did was because her mother insisted on it for certain things.  Weddings were the most common requirement that makeup would be lathered on her, and she couldn't get out of that gear fast enough to return to her 'normal' self.  In her opinion, makeup changed who she was, and she wasn't going to have any of it.  It was the facade that people put on day to day to…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on January 16, 2019 at 6:01am — 2 Comments

The Silent Beast

As I have today hit the 14 month mark, I reflect on a trend I notice happening.  I notice, time and again, that even though I typically have no clue what day of the month it is, that when the 11th rolls up, I am sent into an odd stupor.  A silent ever present beast takes over my will and my abilities.  I typically only get about 3 hours of sleep the night before, and often I am in bed trying to figure out why the heck it is that I can not get to sleep.  When I finally look at the calendar…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on January 11, 2019 at 11:49am — 2 Comments

Illusion of Distance

As time continues to trickle away behind me, I find that there is this illusion of distance looming out in front of me, and has been for some time.  When I first lost my wife reaching a place where I could truly be happy again seemed very far away, there was no illusion, it was clear as day that those mountains were far far away.  As the weeks and months started to fall away, the mountain started to appear close, like if I could just keep up this pace for a little longer I would reach the…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on December 13, 2018 at 9:02am — 4 Comments

The Things People Don't Mean but Say

I have noticed that I am far more sensitive than I used to be.  I find that I walk into situations where people don't know about my wife, or who do know about her and mention it when I am not expecting.  The other day someone was asking me if I was traveling with my wife to her family because they over heard me talking about going to her parents' house around Christmas for a visit.  I explained that no, she had passed away, but it was a bit of a hit to the gut to have them ask that question…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on December 9, 2018 at 12:53pm — 2 Comments

The Unmovable Objects

I found it sadly amusing that I continue to walk around things.  Things that are in my way, things that shouldn't be where they are, things that really have no purpose anymore.  But I didn't put them there, she did.  Her slippers on the stairs just inside our front door, her reading glasses on the table, her laptop on the couch, the book bag on the floor of the living room, and the lunch bag hanging in the kitchen.  Removing these and so many other things would help me to attack the clutter…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on November 14, 2018 at 11:00am — 1 Comment

A Year and A Day...

So yesterday marked the 1 year mark.  With the hype that family and friends seemed to be having with it, I would have thought it would have had some meaning to me.  Really it didn't.  I did do something we often did together and went for an 8 mile light hike.  I listened to a book on tape as I cruised through the trail and the only thing that was odd was that I didn't take one picture, I just walked.   As I walked I pictured my wife on the trail a few times but I wasn't all emotional or…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on November 12, 2018 at 6:37pm — 1 Comment

Not So Subtle Reminders

I am rolling closer and closer to 1 year, and I find that more and more people are dropping hints and reminders that 1 year is right around the corner.  At first it was subtle, hey if you want to come hang out in a couple weeks, let us know.  But as the days tick on, the subtlety seems to be disappearing and folks are being more and more overt.  I am trying to be kind and not push back.  For me, so far anyway, it isn't the day that is actually worrying to me.  See for me remembering and…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on October 22, 2018 at 5:43pm — 4 Comments

Not Me

After this last couple weeks of recovering from hitting the end of one set of goals and really have no more set right in front of me, it started to really dawn on me that I am not myself.  But what really does that mean?  For years I would make muffins every couple weeks and we would freeze them up to warm for breakfast to go with our oatmeal.  They were about 60 calories each the way we made them, little mini breakfast muffins, but they filled out breakfast well and kept me going until my…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on October 15, 2018 at 11:48am — 4 Comments

The End of the Pavement

Throughout the 27 years I was together with my wife either dating or married, we worked on setting out targets.  The targets were generally near term but we had a few longer term plans.  Many of our longer term plans were about things we were going to do together when we retired in about 7 to 9 years from now.  Trips to national parks and other countries, visiting family and generally being free to do what we wanted when we wanted.  Joining a few charities and the like.  When my wife got…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on October 10, 2018 at 10:29am — 2 Comments

That feeling you forgot something!

I am sure we have all had that feeling, you gather your things to leave for the day and you get this feeling you forgot something.   Sometimes you get to your destination only to find you really did forget something.  You forgot you lunch at home, your cell phone on your couch, or ID on your night stand.  And sometimes you never figure out what it was you thought you forgot.  I got up this morning, got dressed and had breakfast.  I made lunch and packed it into my bag.  Threw on my shoes and…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on September 11, 2018 at 12:08pm — 5 Comments

Phantom Things

Over the last several months I have had many moments of reaching for or dealing with the phantoms around me.  The phantom voice in the house, the reach across the bed for the movement that couldn't have happened.  These I suspect are all normal things and with time they will slowly disappear, perhaps to my chagrin.  I tried to cover the phantoms, keeping things piled up on her side of the couch so the emptiness wasn't there, putting teddy bears on her side of the bed.  I even started making…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on August 21, 2018 at 5:14am — 1 Comment

Socks! Really?

So just about a week ago I decided it was time to empty one of my wife's dressers.  I figured, no one will ever wear the underwear or socks again so they were logical to get rid of.  I mean they are socks and underwear, they can't hold much in the way of memories.   Oh what fool I am.  Surprisingly the underwear went pretty easy, I saved out a few special pairs to keep in a drawer of her things, a pair of Pooh boxers which were so much her, but most of the real underwear went into a small…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on August 20, 2018 at 8:53am — 5 Comments

The Missing Look

I don't know about all of you, but I should not shop alone.  My wife knew this, and would be sure to go with me if I went anywhere other than the grocery store, and even that could be dangerous.  I always got what was on the list, but there was always something else that ended up in the cart. When we were shopping together, all it took was that glance from her and the thing went back on the self and I went back to pushing the cart.  Now don't get me wrong and think I was the only one who…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on August 6, 2018 at 5:39am — 6 Comments

Finding Random Treasure

My wife and I were not pack rats so much as we just had a habit of collecting things beyond our house's ability to accommodate :D.  We had hobbies that were varied and sometimes difficult to support in a small city house of 1200 sqft (and 1200 poorly laid out sqft at that).  So we had boxes in the attic and in our dens that were full of various projects we were working on.  Over the last 8 months I have wondered into my wife's den about 5 times, maybe a couple more than that when searching…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on July 30, 2018 at 7:30am — 10 Comments

In Search of a Pronoun

So I have been off for a while, very busy at work and taking a much needed vacation during the week of the fourth where I kept myself mostly away from electronics except for a few times where I acted as the group accountant :D.  It dawned on me while I was away how many times I was hunting for a pronoun.  People are probably saying what do you mean, hunting for a pronoun.  Well for 23 years, really 27, things weren't mine or hers, they were ours.  It wasn't me, it was us, there was no I it…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on July 11, 2018 at 12:51pm — 5 Comments

Contradictions

It is funny the contradiction I have become.  I complain about routines being messed up or being painful, and wanting to change things up.  But then I want the routine to be there when I am ready for it.  Yesterday I found out that a restaurant my wife and I went to frequently was filing Chapter 11.  This place is one of the oldest memories I have of taking my wife to dinner.  Yes they are a chain but I was a student and could only afford so much.  I freaked out a little bit about this…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on April 17, 2018 at 9:42am — 5 Comments

Painful...Routine

As the days, weeks, now months have slowly passed since my wife died, I had things I had to do. Busy work yes, but it wasn't something I had ever done before.  These required changes to my day.  Getting up early, contacting random companies and people, going out of my way.  It was torture but it kept things moving in a direction.  I now wish there was more I had to do that was required just to keep me busy. 

Unfortunately, just the other day I woke up, got myself ready in the morning…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on April 13, 2018 at 3:33pm — 4 Comments

Getting what you ask for, only to find out it isn't what you want

As I started down this path of rebuilding my life without my wife, I had nothing but good intentions.  Clear up some things that needed to be done so that I didn't have to keep revisiting this chapter over and over again.  It seemed simple.  Change names on bank accounts, close out credit cards, update insurance policies.  I jumped into the financial morass quickly and with a fevered pitch.  Filing this or that.  Organizing what I had to do next was a way of compartmentalizing the thing I…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on March 29, 2018 at 5:44am — 7 Comments

Addicted to Camp? Well it can't be all bad..

I went to Camp Widow East (Tampa) last weekend and well it was fun, sad, interesting, engaging and weird all at the same time.  You wouldn't expect a bunch of people who are grieving the loss of their person to find so much joy in just being with each other.  It was nice to be able to remove the mask for a few days and just be who I am right now.  I know this won't be who I always will be, nor is it who I once was but right now I am a person who is multiple shades of screwed up over missing…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on March 28, 2018 at 10:50am — 6 Comments

2 Months In - Does it really get better?

The last two days have been miserable to say the least.  Everything, and I truly mean just about everything, has reminded me of my wife.  I saw a picture of a salad today that had pomegranate seeds on it, and thought of her and the bags of frozen pomegranate seeds I now have inherited.  I tried to deal with the old DVD collection and move it into folders out of the cases so it would take less space, and I see so many movies we owned that I just would have zero interest in watching again…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on January 12, 2018 at 9:49am — 7 Comments

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