So 19 months tomorrow and I am starting to come to the realization that I am not interested in the things I 'should' be doing but I am interested again. I went through a relationship recently which was supposed to be friends and I tried to keep inside that line but my mind slipped well beyond that and when I let the emotion of that out, I scared off my friend and lost a really good friend. It happens, the emotion of two people who lost someone very close to them colliding together clearly…Continue
When I close my eyes, in the after image of the world still held there, I can catch you standing beside me.
When I close my eyes, I see that sneaky little grin that told me you were about to be up to something.
When I close my eyes, I see the you from before cancer decided to change your appearance but not your heart.
When I close my eyes, the world seems oddly brighter and more colorful because you are there with me.
When I close my eyes, I wish I never had…Continue
I know so many of us are in so many ways stuck in neutral. Holding our breath, waiting for what we have been facing to go away, but it never will. I find myself stuck in new ways. I decided about 2 months ago to open the chance of finding someone new to bring into my life. To open my heart to the possibility. So I jumped on the online dating bandwagon. Being a computer person and also a person who worked specifically in computer security, I actually relished the random fake profile…Continue
So I mentioned this before, I am starting to navigate my way through online dating. I find it amusing in a way at how behind I am even though I spend so much of my time building and recommending technology. But I guess much of this really comes down to the dating side of things. Sending messages to new people and even having a couple coffee dates with them. For the most part I try to avoid chatting too much about my wife, I figure it isn't fair to the person I may want to get involved…Continue
My wife and I used to giggle at women who were wearing too much makeup. My wife almost never wore makeup at all, the only time she did was because her mother insisted on it for certain things. Weddings were the most common requirement that makeup would be lathered on her, and she couldn't get out of that gear fast enough to return to her 'normal' self. In her opinion, makeup changed who she was, and she wasn't going to have any of it. It was the facade that people put on day to day to…Continue
As I have today hit the 14 month mark, I reflect on a trend I notice happening. I notice, time and again, that even though I typically have no clue what day of the month it is, that when the 11th rolls up, I am sent into an odd stupor. A silent ever present beast takes over my will and my abilities. I typically only get about 3 hours of sleep the night before, and often I am in bed trying to figure out why the heck it is that I can not get to sleep. When I finally look at the calendar…Continue
As time continues to trickle away behind me, I find that there is this illusion of distance looming out in front of me, and has been for some time. When I first lost my wife reaching a place where I could truly be happy again seemed very far away, there was no illusion, it was clear as day that those mountains were far far away. As the weeks and months started to fall away, the mountain started to appear close, like if I could just keep up this pace for a little longer I would reach the…Continue
I have noticed that I am far more sensitive than I used to be. I find that I walk into situations where people don't know about my wife, or who do know about her and mention it when I am not expecting. The other day someone was asking me if I was traveling with my wife to her family because they over heard me talking about going to her parents' house around Christmas for a visit. I explained that no, she had passed away, but it was a bit of a hit to the gut to have them ask that question…Continue
I found it sadly amusing that I continue to walk around things. Things that are in my way, things that shouldn't be where they are, things that really have no purpose anymore. But I didn't put them there, she did. Her slippers on the stairs just inside our front door, her reading glasses on the table, her laptop on the couch, the book bag on the floor of the living room, and the lunch bag hanging in the kitchen. Removing these and so many other things would help me to attack the clutter…Continue
So yesterday marked the 1 year mark. With the hype that family and friends seemed to be having with it, I would have thought it would have had some meaning to me. Really it didn't. I did do something we often did together and went for an 8 mile light hike. I listened to a book on tape as I cruised through the trail and the only thing that was odd was that I didn't take one picture, I just walked. As I walked I pictured my wife on the trail a few times but I wasn't all emotional or…Continue
I am rolling closer and closer to 1 year, and I find that more and more people are dropping hints and reminders that 1 year is right around the corner. At first it was subtle, hey if you want to come hang out in a couple weeks, let us know. But as the days tick on, the subtlety seems to be disappearing and folks are being more and more overt. I am trying to be kind and not push back. For me, so far anyway, it isn't the day that is actually worrying to me. See for me remembering and…Continue
After this last couple weeks of recovering from hitting the end of one set of goals and really have no more set right in front of me, it started to really dawn on me that I am not myself. But what really does that mean? For years I would make muffins every couple weeks and we would freeze them up to warm for breakfast to go with our oatmeal. They were about 60 calories each the way we made them, little mini breakfast muffins, but they filled out breakfast well and kept me going until my…Continue
Throughout the 27 years I was together with my wife either dating or married, we worked on setting out targets. The targets were generally near term but we had a few longer term plans. Many of our longer term plans were about things we were going to do together when we retired in about 7 to 9 years from now. Trips to national parks and other countries, visiting family and generally being free to do what we wanted when we wanted. Joining a few charities and the like. When my wife got…Continue
I am sure we have all had that feeling, you gather your things to leave for the day and you get this feeling you forgot something. Sometimes you get to your destination only to find you really did forget something. You forgot you lunch at home, your cell phone on your couch, or ID on your night stand. And sometimes you never figure out what it was you thought you forgot. I got up this morning, got dressed and had breakfast. I made lunch and packed it into my bag. Threw on my shoes and…Continue
Over the last several months I have had many moments of reaching for or dealing with the phantoms around me. The phantom voice in the house, the reach across the bed for the movement that couldn't have happened. These I suspect are all normal things and with time they will slowly disappear, perhaps to my chagrin. I tried to cover the phantoms, keeping things piled up on her side of the couch so the emptiness wasn't there, putting teddy bears on her side of the bed. I even started making…Continue
So just about a week ago I decided it was time to empty one of my wife's dressers. I figured, no one will ever wear the underwear or socks again so they were logical to get rid of. I mean they are socks and underwear, they can't hold much in the way of memories. Oh what fool I am. Surprisingly the underwear went pretty easy, I saved out a few special pairs to keep in a drawer of her things, a pair of Pooh boxers which were so much her, but most of the real underwear went into a small…Continue
I don't know about all of you, but I should not shop alone. My wife knew this, and would be sure to go with me if I went anywhere other than the grocery store, and even that could be dangerous. I always got what was on the list, but there was always something else that ended up in the cart. When we were shopping together, all it took was that glance from her and the thing went back on the self and I went back to pushing the cart. Now don't get me wrong and think I was the only one who…Continue
My wife and I were not pack rats so much as we just had a habit of collecting things beyond our house's ability to accommodate :D. We had hobbies that were varied and sometimes difficult to support in a small city house of 1200 sqft (and 1200 poorly laid out sqft at that). So we had boxes in the attic and in our dens that were full of various projects we were working on. Over the last 8 months I have wondered into my wife's den about 5 times, maybe a couple more than that when searching…Continue
So I have been off for a while, very busy at work and taking a much needed vacation during the week of the fourth where I kept myself mostly away from electronics except for a few times where I acted as the group accountant :D. It dawned on me while I was away how many times I was hunting for a pronoun. People are probably saying what do you mean, hunting for a pronoun. Well for 23 years, really 27, things weren't mine or hers, they were ours. It wasn't me, it was us, there was no I it…Continue
It is funny the contradiction I have become. I complain about routines being messed up or being painful, and wanting to change things up. But then I want the routine to be there when I am ready for it. Yesterday I found out that a restaurant my wife and I went to frequently was filing Chapter 11. This place is one of the oldest memories I have of taking my wife to dinner. Yes they are a chain but I was a student and could only afford so much. I freaked out a little bit about this…Continue