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MidnightBear (Tony)'s Blog (9)

Contradictions

It is funny the contradiction I have become.  I complain about routines being messed up or being painful, and wanting to change things up.  But then I want the routine to be there when I am ready for it.  Yesterday I found out that a restaurant my wife and I went to frequently was filing Chapter 11.  This place is one of the oldest memories I have of taking my wife to dinner.  Yes they are a chain but I was a student and could only afford so much.  I freaked out a little bit about this…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on April 17, 2018 at 9:42am — 5 Comments

Painful...Routine

As the days, weeks, now months have slowly passed since my wife died, I had things I had to do. Busy work yes, but it wasn't something I had ever done before.  These required changes to my day.  Getting up early, contacting random companies and people, going out of my way.  It was torture but it kept things moving in a direction.  I now wish there was more I had to do that was required just to keep me busy. 

Unfortunately, just the other day I woke up, got myself ready in the morning…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on April 13, 2018 at 3:33pm — 4 Comments

Getting what you ask for, only to find out it isn't what you want

As I started down this path of rebuilding my life without my wife, I had nothing but good intentions.  Clear up some things that needed to be done so that I didn't have to keep revisiting this chapter over and over again.  It seemed simple.  Change names on bank accounts, close out credit cards, update insurance policies.  I jumped into the financial morass quickly and with a fevered pitch.  Filing this or that.  Organizing what I had to do next was a way of compartmentalizing the thing I…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on March 29, 2018 at 5:44am — 7 Comments

Addicted to Camp? Well it can't be all bad..

I went to Camp Widow East (Tampa) last weekend and well it was fun, sad, interesting, engaging and weird all at the same time.  You wouldn't expect a bunch of people who are grieving the loss of their person to find so much joy in just being with each other.  It was nice to be able to remove the mask for a few days and just be who I am right now.  I know this won't be who I always will be, nor is it who I once was but right now I am a person who is multiple shades of screwed up over missing…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on March 28, 2018 at 10:50am — 6 Comments

2 Months In - Does it really get better?

The last two days have been miserable to say the least.  Everything, and I truly mean just about everything, has reminded me of my wife.  I saw a picture of a salad today that had pomegranate seeds on it, and thought of her and the bags of frozen pomegranate seeds I now have inherited.  I tried to deal with the old DVD collection and move it into folders out of the cases so it would take less space, and I see so many movies we owned that I just would have zero interest in watching again…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on January 12, 2018 at 9:49am — 7 Comments

Looking Forward

Please note, I posted this on my FB page yesterday, and then mentioned it on chat yesterday to someone.  I told them I would post it here today so here it is.

Have you ever looked back on something you wrote 25 years ago and shivered? I just did that, here is a poem I wrote 25 years ago, I don't know what possessed me then, but it is like 25 years ago I knew someday I would be where I am today: 

TITLE: Looking…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on December 14, 2017 at 5:55am — 2 Comments

Where is the Roadmap?

For years, my wife and I would pick a destination to go to on vacation.  Often a national park or amusement park, but it was often that we would pick one destination that we could drive to.  These were times when we would be in the car for hours, listening to a book on tape and gabbing about random stuff.  Until we bought a car with navigation my wife was the navigator.  She was responsible for the roadmap and pointing out directions.  She would drive only during long stretches of straight…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on December 13, 2017 at 6:47am — 5 Comments

1 Month Down, So Many to Go

1 month ago today, the light of my life went away.  I woke today initially with the feeling like it was all the other days since her passing, but then feelings came flooding in.  I almost crawled back into bed and refused to go to work but this would have meant admitting defeat and giving in.  I won't go down without a fight and so I dragged myself from bed, shaved, showered and got dressed.  I made myself a lunch and ate breakfast.  I left the house about 20 minutes later than intended, and…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on December 11, 2017 at 8:00am — No Comments

I am not broken, You can not fix me

A letter I wrote to family & friend but haven't had the nerve to share. 

I know people are trying to do well meaning things when they suggest that I should get a dog, or a cat or some other creature to have around me.  I know people are meaning well when they say sharing is helpful or that you will get over this eventually.  I know people merely want to try to fix me.  The problem is, I am not broken, I am sad, lonely, angry and tired.  I am these things but I am…

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Added by MidnightBear (Tony) on December 11, 2017 at 7:30am — 6 Comments

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