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IndiaKai's Blog (19)

I still fear life...

It's been a while since I have written on here, but I need a safe space and this is my only safe haven.

I'm lost. 


I'm hurting. 


I scream and cry.


I can't find my footing or a place here in this new reality.


Toby's been gone for over 3 years and I'm still struggling.

I went thru his things.

I rented out our home.

I moved 3000 miles.

I have a new someone my…


Added by IndiaKai on October 16, 2016 at 7:00pm — 4 Comments

Life Changes

Here I am. 35. Lost and will be going on a new path.

Toby has been gone for 17 months now as of the 7th of December. Life seems to be rolling on ans I can't seem to keep rolling with it. I keep getting get caught up in the wheels.

 I clog the wheels of life because I can't seem to move as fast.  


What? Stop it it!

Slow Down!  

I can't process as fast.

I just can't move as fast without him!

I want to keep moving…


Added by IndiaKai on December 13, 2014 at 10:44pm — No Comments

The Love Letter

More life changes are coming down the road for me and it is forcing me to finally face 16 years of life that is wrapped up in this old house. I haven't faced going through Toby's things since he died 15 months ago. I closed the door and ignored it. If I went through it... it would mean he is gone. It was final. Just too much for me to handle mentally last year. So, closed the door and ignored it was how I dealt with it.

Now, being faced with life changes I have been forced to go…


Added by IndiaKai on October 5, 2014 at 10:00am — 7 Comments

5 Lies You Were Told About Grief - By Alison Nappi

I found this entry on Facebook posted by another widow friend I met at Camp Widow East in San Diego.  I read it before and every word hit home with me.  I read it again today and it still has the same effect.   I thought I would share the link here for others to read and share with others that may be looking at widows and not understanding what we are going through on a daily basis.…


Added by IndiaKai on September 6, 2014 at 11:00am — No Comments

The Glass Wall

The reoccurring dream:

There is this thick glass wall I stand behind.  I'm pressed up to it with both my hands spread slapping it as hard as I can.  I can see life carrying on  on the other side of this wall. I see love, laughter, growth, friends, family, and everything that makes up living life.  I'm on the other side.  Punching, slapping, kicking, screaming for people to hear me. see me. LOOK AT ME!  No one turns. No one can see or hear me.  I drop into a puddle on the floor from…


Added by IndiaKai on August 30, 2014 at 1:33pm — 1 Comment

Can I tap out of the ring now?

I want out.  

I want out of this suffocating space I feel closing around me. I don't want to be here. I don't truly enjoy what I am doing or where I am right now. Don't get me wrong, I do have good days.  I don't sit and cry all the time anymore. I actually can function on my own, but I still feel like I am on autopilot.

Get up. Go to work. Come home. Go to bed. Rinse & repeat. I just want out.  

I still have this urge to leave for a long sabbatical. I want to truly…


Added by IndiaKai on August 7, 2014 at 7:50am — 14 Comments

One year - my letter to Toby

Dear Toby,

One year.

I have written you almost every day this past year. I written all of my experiences, my journeys, about the new people who have entered my life, my anger, my dark days, my good days, losing Shadow and Daytona, watching our family fall apart, about my loneliness that leaves me hollow, and how I’ve finally accepted being alone.…


Added by IndiaKai on July 7, 2014 at 6:30am — 8 Comments

Today is his birthday tomorrow is his death date

I sit by myself today in my backyard.  My husband would have been 37 today.  We would have been out our cabin, drinking beer and enjoying the long weekend.  Today, I sit by myself and wish him a very quiet happy birthday alone.  I have been a wreck for over a month dreading this weekend.  Today, I'm exhausted but calm. It's the calm that I hope stays with me to endure the one year mark tomorrow. 

Happy 37th birthday today wherever your journey has lead you my love.

Added by IndiaKai on July 6, 2014 at 2:47pm — 6 Comments

That pain that hits the heart.....

I've never been someone that needed to take down photos of Toby after he died.  I wasn't one that needed to put them all over the place either.  I think I have been middle of the road with photos. Never took any down and never put more up. I can look at them, smile, appreciate the moment, and move on....... with most of…


Added by IndiaKai on June 12, 2014 at 8:30pm — 3 Comments

Kitty Cat Cocktail Hour... Yep this is my new normal

I Love my Backyard. It's not very big, but it was perfect for us. Toby and I worked very hard to make it into a backyard oasis. We wanted a place that felt magical, warm, and inviting. It took us many years to bring the little neglect home we found in 2001 back to life. Every year it looks more and more beautiful and takes on a magical essences that some days is breathtaking. …


Added by IndiaKai on June 2, 2014 at 9:30pm — 4 Comments

I said it out loud

This was my first Memorial Day weekend without Toby.  We always went out to the cabin in Idaho and did our hikes, boating, and kayaking. Since I am by myself now, I decided to drive to Seattle. I thought I should do something different and not join the family at the cabin (the cabin is also where he died).  I made the drive over and stayed at my sister’s place with her new husband.  It was good to see her.  I hadn't seen her since the fall because of the snow on the pass.  The…


Added by IndiaKai on May 29, 2014 at 5:46pm — 9 Comments

Am I going to start licking windows now Doc?

(These are just my thoughts at the time of this meeting with the doc. PTSD is very serious and I don't mean to demean the sydrome with poking fun at myself. Many of our soldiers suffer from this sydrome. The humor is poked at me only and my feelings on how I have felt during this time)

I finally made that step to seek out professional help.  I found a highly recommended grief counselor here in our little city in the PNW.  I haven't been ready to share my…


Added by IndiaKai on May 13, 2014 at 6:00pm — 5 Comments

Attempting a night out

(This was an entry I wrote out in the end of January 2014. I find in comical now, but I was so pretty mad when I wrote it out. )

I got a call from my best friend to please come with her and her husband to a company 50th birthday gathering.  She didn't want to sit by herself at the function and her husband would be busy with coworkers.  So, hesitantly, I agreed. Most of the night was easy.  Light conversation with people at the table we shared.  Later in the evening, after…


Added by IndiaKai on April 2, 2014 at 10:30am — 2 Comments

Sun shining, leaves crinkling, flowers budding... and I sit and wallow.

Dear Toby

I played hooky from work.  I just didn't want to talk to anyone today (This is happening more and more lately. It's getting hard to show a strong exterior. I'm starting to crumble inside).  I wanted to sleep.  I still don't sleep restfully. I seem to fall asleep with the help of melatonin pills, but actually waking up fully rested evades me.  I don't always remember what I dream about.  The times I do remember it is the movie reel of you dying and me finding you on the side…


Added by IndiaKai on March 27, 2014 at 5:28am — 2 Comments

Another Day - Author Unknown

Another day without you, A day without my love another day with you not here… with you, above.

Each day I wake up sleepy, and roll to see your side empty as my heart, since the day that you died.

Each day I must wake, and face the brand new day Just to realize once again, that you've gone away.

It’s often just too painful and more than I can bear to face the world alone, for we are no longer a pair.

My partner in love, my partner in life, we…


Added by IndiaKai on March 13, 2014 at 5:57am — 3 Comments

I Wonder If People Understand What it is to Miss You

This was sent to me the other day and the words really hit home with me. EDL
It isn't about accepting that you are gone
I am acutely aware that you are not here
It isn't about moving on
I move forward but you are no further from my mind
It isn't about forgetting you
You are still the first thing I think about in…

Added by IndiaKai on March 4, 2014 at 6:56am — 5 Comments

Family.... Either you're thick or thin


Hardest part of this new journey for me is family.

I still don't know what to do with them. Couple of them. Any of them. All of them.

I want them to leave me alone, but not too alone.

Just go away, but not too far away.

Please stop asking, but don't stop asking.

I know what they want from me, but I don't want to give it to them, but I really should just let them all have it!

I'm so tired of the fighting.  I'm so tired that I comfort…


Added by IndiaKai on February 22, 2014 at 2:51pm — 3 Comments

Strength.... yeah whatever.

On the 7th of February was 7 months of being a widow.  Truth be told, I hate this new path.  I'm so angry. At who? Myself, my husband, my new life, my family, my Job, the cat?  I can't even tell you for sure. Maybe just me.... maybe all of the above.  I just know I hate this new path and i'm so angry. It prevents me from taking those steps to heal.  I'm shut in. Shut down.  Locked away behind my big picture window. Staring.  

Strong.  Strong is what I get described as.  "You are so…


Added by IndiaKai on February 15, 2014 at 7:30pm — 11 Comments

Snowy Memories

I write a lot these days, but I don't share any of it.  I keep them to myself.  I recently had a friend say I should share some of my writings. Good or bad. I've heard I don't allow anyone in to see my pain.  It is true, but what people don't realize, I go through my day in a fog. I really don't have a clue what I am doing right, wrong, what I am sharing not sharing, or saying not saying. I get up (point A) go to work (point B) get home (point C) before I crack from the stress of my new…


Added by IndiaKai on February 10, 2014 at 7:00pm — 2 Comments

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