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Chez2all's Blog (16)

Welcome back to life

Life is hectic!  Having worked solidly for the past 18 months I am finally looking forward to my first real break during May for a whole month.  Working as a support worker in the disability sector my work is fulfilling but mentally exhausting.  Then I come home to my kids and it's all happening there as well as they download about their ups and downs during the day.  Following the death of my dad 18 months ago I am also on-call for my aging mother who lives on her own about 15…


Added by chez2all on March 13, 2018 at 9:05pm — 1 Comment

Four Years and counting...

Forgive me if I seem a bit distracted tomorrow.  You see it's my anniversary of sorts...the sort other widowed people know and wish they didn't.  

You've been on my mind lately and I knew it was approaching...consciously or unconsciously the mind remembers and has ways of reminding me when I need to slow down and allow the memories to wash over me.  I stopped fighting the process a long time ago, it only makes it worse for me I found.  So I sit quietly, alone, welcoming whatever…


Added by chez2all on March 13, 2016 at 4:55am — 2 Comments

A Conversation Thru Time

For those who don't know me I am 55 and a 2nd time widow moving through life with 3 kids, 1 son-in-law and various grandpuppies and kittens.  I'm also from Australia so you Americans will have to pardon the spelling etc hehehe.

I'm approaching 15 years since my first husband died from brain tumours.  And I can honestly say I still wish he were with us then I wouldn't…


Added by chez2all on January 11, 2016 at 7:13pm — No Comments

This felt right

Who remembers the Claytons ads?  You know, the drink you have when you're not having a drink?  Well I've made a Claytons decision about my husbands ashes...the decision you make when you can't make a decision lol.  After much toing and froing I finally decided to take Doug's ashes home to his parents for them to decide what to do with them.  We were together for just short of 6 years.  We experienced a lot in this years, good and bad.  In the end he chose to take his own life for many…


Added by chez2all on August 4, 2013 at 4:30pm — 4 Comments

What's NORMAL anyway?

Today I looked at the date and was surprised to realise it was May 14.  Surprised because I have had such a hectic 14 months since my second husband's death.  Surprised because it did not hit like a bolt out of the blue but rather a gentle reminder.  And this is perhaps the most amazing thing about this whole grief journey, not the bolts out of the blue, or the 'body blows', but the simple realization that time and life have moved forward and I'm not really sure how I have managed to do it…


Added by chez2all on May 13, 2013 at 5:37pm — 5 Comments

Thank you

7 months today you chose to leave me.  For the first 2 weeks I was numb, disbelief ruling my waking hours which were many.  Coming into week 3 I began to discover things about you I never imagined and my emotions turned ugly (to say the least).  Anger at the situation you had left me with, panic at the realization that I had no savings left and no home...along with an inability to cope with a job requiring a huge emotional input.

Finding the only way I could deal with many of the…


Added by chez2all on October 14, 2012 at 12:04am — 11 Comments

Walking on sunshine, and don't it feel good!

I am approaching 6 months out without that dreaded feeling in the pit of my stomach and no-one is more surprised than me.  6 months is simply the passage of time since my 2nd husband chose to leave this world.  I have been to hell and back over his choice and finally have Doug's suicide in a safe place in my mind.  He will always be in my heart, as will be my 1st husband who died 12 years ago from cancer.  I am…


Added by chez2all on September 10, 2012 at 2:00am — 19 Comments

Sharing the good times

It's Sunday morning, the sun is shining, the kids are happy...and all's right with the world.

The last 5 months have been very tough on our whole family, so today I wanted to share with you some of the wonderful things that have happened to us over the last week.

After house hunting FOREVER!!! I found a house to call home on Thursday and my offer was accepted on Friday - so i have my weekends back again...not to mention the hours of trolling the internet organizing viewings.  I…


Added by chez2all on August 18, 2012 at 5:09pm — 9 Comments

Life's funny like that!

Approaching the 5 month mark...I find myself reviewing the journey I have been on...not just since the 14th March but since the very first time I met my 2nd husband.  

I knew very early on that Doug had some 'issues' but it was not until well after his death that the extent has come to light.  This other person has created an entirely different type of grief for me to deal I question every part of our relationship.  I loved him deeply, but did he love me?  Was he capable of…


Added by chez2all on August 9, 2012 at 4:52pm — 10 Comments

Body Blows

The fall-out after my husband's suicide is continuing nearly 4 months later.  I find myself not just dealing with the grief of losing him, but also the total shock of finding him and having to make those first calls.  Trying to cope with the grief of kids, in-laws, my family, the disbelief of friends that he would put me through this again!  The anger of my family and friends at him for being so selfish, when I know that he was making the ultimate sacrifice (in his eyes) for me and my…


Added by chez2all on July 10, 2012 at 7:13pm — 10 Comments

Staying positive in a negative world

Today marks 14 weeks since our lives changed again for our family and Doug left us.  

I have grieved, cried, sobbed, lashed out in anger at the world in general but I have also smiled, laughed, shown honest to goodness enthusiasm for the joy of others and feel I may actually make it through this journey in one piece. 

But our complicated world insists that if we are going to grieve they're going to really make it hard for us not to.  I speak of my experiences with social…


Added by chez2all on July 1, 2012 at 3:08pm — 10 Comments

Practical request

Hi, this is a general request for any and all who wish to participate.  I am currently going through a crisis and I would like your prayers to help me through this period of confusion and indecision.  This is not so much related to my grief but more to do with information that I have recently learned that has completely shaken me to the core concerning my late husband.  I am going to request counselling to help me, but feel that prayers for clear thinking and help to find a way forward…


Added by chez2all on July 1, 2012 at 5:21am — 11 Comments


I received an unexpected letter in the mail today...yes an actual letter not an email!  It was from my sister-in-law with whom I have had some brief but thoughtful conversations over the past few weeks following my husbands suicide.   She wanted to share a devotional with me to help on my journey.  This touched me so much I felt it worth sharing with everyone here.  Religion aside for those who do not believe...the message remains the same.  We need to take time in our lives to mourn all…


Added by chez2all on June 26, 2012 at 1:34am — 5 Comments

Just a touch, a touch of paradise

Driving down the freeway, in the dark and the pouring rain...and suddenly I felt it.  It was a real touch, your hand on mine, as it usually was when I was driving.  My heart lept momentarily and swelled with love for you.  In that instant nothing else was real.  It felt so wonderful to feel your touch again and I turned to smile into your brown eyes...and then it was gone.  Your touch was gone.  In my confusion I was very conscious of my daughter beside me, and not wanting to upset her I…


Added by chez2all on June 18, 2012 at 12:49am — 1 Comment

Today you feel like a dream...

There are so many photos and memories and stories that we tell, and yet, today it feels like it was all a dream - our life together.

It's a strange feeling.  I KNOW you were real, I KNOW you were here, and yet I am supposed to just carry on with my life without you in it...just move on...get over it...AS IF!

Are my memories real?  If they are then how on earth do other people expect me just to move on?  Have they no heart?  

But I know the answer to that - it's not that…


Added by chez2all on June 1, 2012 at 11:00pm — 2 Comments

Putting Grief on Hold...

This whole blog began because your fb page came up unexpectedly and I got the niggling feeling I was forgetting something important.  After speaking with my fellow traveler, Henry I felt this was where I needed to be.  Thank you my friend.  And so begins my first blog... 

Being a nurturer can be a bad thing when you are trying to grieve, at least in my experience.  

After the dx of my first husband with brain tumours the day after fathers day in 1999 I committed myself to full…


Added by chez2all on May 29, 2012 at 6:28pm — 7 Comments

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