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NoMoreComplete's Blog (9)

The H Word

I haven't been a big fan of the word "healing" since my husband died. That word just didn't sit right with me for a while. It felt too tidy, too neat. It didn't describe a way out of this mess to my shocked brain. I think I'm ready to take another look at it. I think I might be ready to give it a chance. If you ask me again tomorrow, I'll probably say something different but tonight, I'm setting an intention to heal.



I don't want to be stuck in this darkness forever. I do not want…

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Added by NoMoreComplete on May 4, 2016 at 9:00pm — 4 Comments

He made the moon shine for me...

I had somebody in this life who just had to look at me for me to see a universe of love.

His smile swirled around me and filled me with joy.

He soaked in my pain with the deepest empathy a human is capable of.

He brought out the best in me, a side of me that I didn't know existed before him. 

We held each other up, creating such a strong foundation that it felt like it would never crumble.

Part of our strength was that we were real.

He had…

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Added by NoMoreComplete on May 1, 2016 at 10:00am — 3 Comments

Who are you?

I look in the mirror

I don't recognize who is looking back at me

I am what's left

One side of the portrait



Is there beauty in pain?

Maybe, but the pain remains

I am half of what we were

No beauty of life can replace that



I am what remains

It is a very different view

I don't like it

But I must see it



You are so alive in my dreams

The waking world wants more

I can only survive

I can't offer what we…

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Added by NoMoreComplete on April 13, 2016 at 7:00pm — 2 Comments

Where are you?

I write this as I listen to cars traveling in the snowy, slushy rain making that lovely swooshing sound that used to send a sense of calm through me. It is a calm that I can't quite capture through my grief but am reminded that it used to be there. It is unseasonably cold but I have the windows open anyway. I need the fresh air. Is it a coincidence that you leave me in the same year we don't get to have a spring? I don't know but it feels like the weather is mourning you too.



I…

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Added by NoMoreComplete on April 6, 2016 at 6:00pm — 4 Comments

Galaxies

Your picture sits on my desk with those eyes, those wonderful, beautiful empathetic eyes full of love. They have little galaxies in them. Is that where you are now?



I can almost feel your touch as I cry surrounded by deafening emptiness.



It's Saturday today. Before you left this world, we would be enjoying the day, working, goofing off, working, goofing off. You would ask what we were ordering for dinner in that impish way of yours knowing that I should cook but am too…

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Added by NoMoreComplete on April 2, 2016 at 10:41am — No Comments

I Fixed His Old Computer Tonight

So, S has this old computer that he was oddly attached to. It quit working about six months ago. Even though he replaced it with two laptops, he still wanted to get this computer working again. We would turn it on every once in a while to see if it would work and never hit the jackpot. We had planned to really look into it and dig deep to fix it together after the holidays.



Well, as often happens, things got in the way. Business was calling and we got super busy with an exciting…

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Added by NoMoreComplete on March 23, 2016 at 5:18pm — 2 Comments

Spring...forward?

Well, it's officially spring now. The weather will get nicer the sun will shine more and hope and happiness will be everywhere.

Except in my house.

Spring was S's favorite time of the year. He was able to get out more, his mobility always got a little better and he loved watching it stay light outside later and later. Spring brought him strength and hope. That spirit of hope always surrounded both of us around this time. We loved spending Saturdays looking at…

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Added by NoMoreComplete on March 20, 2016 at 10:00am — 2 Comments

The “What Ifs” and “Should Haves” Will Eat Your Brain

This quote by John O'Callaghan is something I'm really trying to hold onto. There were so many signs that something was really wrong with S but we just thought he had the flu. Oh, how wrong we were.

Today, the signs that I missed keep coming back to me. Not just today, it happens quite often actually but today it has been especially haunting. Little things that I missed keep coming back to me, things he said about how he was feeling, my reactions to him. I thought he was just being a…

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Added by NoMoreComplete on March 16, 2016 at 9:00pm — 4 Comments

The first two weeks after losing him...

I honestly don't know how I have made it these two weeks of my new life as a widow. A life that I am very begrudgingly walking through like a zombie.

Breathe. Drink water. Breathe. One foot in front of the other. Breathe. Drink water. Breathe. Try to eat, even if it is only a bite. Breathe. Try to sleep.

That breathing thing is very important. It's amazing how many times my breath gets taken away by the grief. I can't tell you how many times I have felt like I might faint.…

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Added by NoMoreComplete on March 14, 2016 at 5:30pm — 2 Comments

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