I haven't been a big fan of the word "healing" since my husband died. That word just didn't sit right with me for a while. It felt too tidy, too neat. It didn't describe a way out of this mess to my shocked brain. I think I'm ready to take another look at it. I think I might be ready to give it a chance. If you ask me again tomorrow, I'll probably say something different but tonight, I'm setting an intention to heal.
I don't want to be stuck in this darkness forever. I do not want…
I had somebody in this life who just had to look at me for me to see a universe of love.
His smile swirled around me and filled me with joy.
He soaked in my pain with the deepest empathy a human is capable of.
He brought out the best in me, a side of me that I didn't know existed before him.
We held each other up, creating such a strong foundation that it felt like it would never crumble.
Part of our strength was that we were real.
I look in the mirror
I don't recognize who is looking back at me
I am what's left
One side of the portrait
Is there beauty in pain?
Maybe, but the pain remains
I am half of what we were
No beauty of life can replace that
I am what remains
It is a very different view
I don't like it
But I must see it
You are so alive in my dreams
The waking world wants more
I can only survive
I can't offer what we…
I write this as I listen to cars traveling in the snowy, slushy rain making that lovely swooshing sound that used to send a sense of calm through me. It is a calm that I can't quite capture through my grief but am reminded that it used to be there. It is unseasonably cold but I have the windows open anyway. I need the fresh air. Is it a coincidence that you leave me in the same year we don't get to have a spring? I don't know but it feels like the weather is mourning you too.
Your picture sits on my desk with those eyes, those wonderful, beautiful empathetic eyes full of love. They have little galaxies in them. Is that where you are now?
I can almost feel your touch as I cry surrounded by deafening emptiness.
It's Saturday today. Before you left this world, we would be enjoying the day, working, goofing off, working, goofing off. You would ask what we were ordering for dinner in that impish way of yours knowing that I should cook but am too…
Added by NoMoreComplete on April 2, 2016 at 10:41am — No Comments
So, S has this old computer that he was oddly attached to. It quit working about six months ago. Even though he replaced it with two laptops, he still wanted to get this computer working again. We would turn it on every once in a while to see if it would work and never hit the jackpot. We had planned to really look into it and dig deep to fix it together after the holidays.
Well, as often happens, things got in the way. Business was calling and we got super busy with an exciting…
Well, it's officially spring now. The weather will get nicer the sun will shine more and hope and happiness will be everywhere.
Except in my house.
Spring was S's favorite time of the year. He was able to get out more, his mobility always got a little better and he loved watching it stay light outside later and later. Spring brought him strength and hope. That spirit of hope always surrounded both of us around this time. We loved spending Saturdays looking at…Continue
This quote by John O'Callaghan is something I'm really trying to hold onto. There were so many signs that something was really wrong with S but we just thought he had the flu. Oh, how wrong we were.
Today, the signs that I missed keep coming back to me. Not just today, it happens quite often actually but today it has been especially haunting. Little things that I missed keep coming back to me, things he said about how he was feeling, my reactions to him. I thought he was just being a…Continue
I honestly don't know how I have made it these two weeks of my new life as a widow. A life that I am very begrudgingly walking through like a zombie.
Breathe. Drink water. Breathe. One foot in front of the other. Breathe. Drink water. Breathe. Try to eat, even if it is only a bite. Breathe. Try to sleep.
That breathing thing is very important. It's amazing how many times my breath gets taken away by the grief. I can't tell you how many times I have felt like I might faint.…Continue