Nathan's Blog (35)

Oh my... a lot has happened. How shall I begin.... maybe I'll just go all over the place.

Back on Anti Depressant. Prozac now... it's something new. I think I've been on it for a month now... the rainy November in Vancouver (New Westminster) is just too horrible to bear.  Feeling down ever since I came back from Montreal form a bachelor party. Surprisingly, it works. I haven't had any bad side effect except a few breakouts in zits and problems staying asleep. That is not as…

It's been awhile since I last posted. I decided to give a break and see if I can break out of my depression.  Had 2 deaths during the summer (my Grandmother and my good friend John) which put me under a lot of thinking about life. I also thought maybe writing  blog might also trigger some kind of sadness and depression.

I decided to give blogging a long break but keeping myself busy.

Here's an update...

Been traveling a lot up…

Saturday:

 Went to John funeral at 2:30 at Christ Church Cathedral.  The service ended at 4, lovely speech made by the Pastor. John wanted his theme to be about "Resurrection".  He describe John down to the tee. A lovely, kind, cheerful and full of jokes and laughter. He see things differently then most men. How life dies and resurrect into another being or form. I think that's how the Priest described it.

I couldn't stay for the reception, I hope wasn't…

Been busy lately. Internet was down all last weekend and just got it back up yesterday.  I am somewhat in a lazy mood also in the early morning. Just lying around starring at the WALL seem to make my day feel normal? Is that even Normal??

Maybe I'm heading back into depression?

I really miss Michael.

Gosh, it went by so fast, a year... it just feel like a few months.

So much had happened, but still, nothing feel accomplished.

Today, I help my roommate…

What a bad day today! F23k. I'm trying hard to pass this one year anniversary then

I receive a call from someone in Seattle looking for Michael

and I had a friend called the person to find out another one of my friend John Fitzgerald had pass away yesterday!

JUNE 4 WHAT THE F#@K!

Morning, I'm feeling so depressingly sad and confused. I feel like I got hit by a bus. Not able to cry but I feel the pain.  My mind feels foggy, a slight headache. I pass out around 12am yesterday. Maybe it was you pulling me join you in bed. Slept for a good 8 hours.  Today, I'm not sure what to do. It's raining outside. Not like the day you pass away it was Sunny. Totally opposite.  I'm just going to let the day fly by. Maybe help my roommate unpacked and try to get this place organize.  …

I learn something new yesterday.  How to cry in silence.  It was hard but I manage to pull it off.  I didn't wake up my roommate.  I blow my nose when it was stuff up and he did hear, he probably think it's just my stuffy nose from the cold I have.  What a great disguise.  I have a day off today, he's away at work.  I feel like total shit.  Your sweater is on my bed, slept with it right beside me yesterday night.  The rain is not helping too.. Gosh I miss you so much baby.  Maybe I should…

Hi All. The Vacation was something I needed for a very long time. To get away from it all and giving my mind and body a break from all the Hectic problems I am facing in Canada.  It sounds like I was running away from it all, which seems somewhat true.  I did have my moment where I was unable to have fun when we went to Ocean Park in Hong Kong. My friends all notice something was wrong with me already. And watching "Dancing Water".  It was painful to sit and watch that show because it…

I must admit, this month has been a very busy and productive month. It's also been a month where my emotion has just been an roller coaster ride. Up and Down,Up and Down.



The truth is, since the WILL finally got granted PROBATE. I had to start making changes to the apartment so my roommate can come move in June. I still need one more roommate. Since I am going away from May 11-27 to Asia (Philippines, Hong Kong and Macau) for a Bachelor party. Yes, I will be the only "gay" in the…

Your love for Candles

After a disastrous day yesterday (Cried so hard I went into depression mode and couldn't do anything for rest of the night). I found strength today. Since today is my day off from work. I decided to clean the apartment and get rid of things in the storage to make room for my stuff. My new roommate will be moving in June and I will be away from May 11-27 (Asia Trip)  I think I should start ahead of…

GOING NUTS

I need to vent out today into the web sphere. That way not much of my friend will know what I'm going through Today and Yesterday.

I have no idea why, maybe it was the Alcohol I drank at my friends birthday or just  one of those sad days but...

Polo and Totoro

Let me introduce you to our two children. Polo and Totoro, Michael told me they are our kids and quite a lot of times He will…

Today I woke up with a hangover from crying too hard yesterday night. I ended up looking at our old photos and it trigger me to cry very, very hard. I don't remember much of the night except moving onto my sofa, trying to watch "Winnie the Pooh" but I couldn't find the remote so I sat on the couch for god how long, then went to the bedroom and pass out god know what time.



Today I know I have once schedule on my things to do. No work today which is fine. I can move like a turtle in…

Ok, I haven't posted for awhile thought I'd make a quick blog about last week and this coming weekend.

I had been very busy going out trying to avoid staying at home. I met up with my ex and his partner and they introduce me to a new couple living in New Westminster. I swear, New West is the next West End of BC. A larger LGBT community is growing here. Everybody is moving out of Downtown due to high rentals.  My friend Nick came back from Hong Kong for vacation so I've also been hanging…

I have a day off at work today. It was a really hard day for me. Feels like mid year with tons of "Flash Back". Worst part is its not about the good flash back. I try to think about the good ones, but I keep getting images in my head of when I found Michael all Blue in bed (minutes before I call the ambulance to resuscitate him)...

I guess no matter how hard I try to cover it up with busy activities it will eventually come back and haunt me.



I even did a bit of gardening in…

Wedding + Highschool Reunion lol

Unfortunately the for 3 musketeer, it was only Scott(Skippy) and I that went to the wedding banquette (Chinese Restaurant "Dragon View"). My friend Jeremy couldn't come because he caught pneumonia.. Once we got there it was a very "TRIP OUT" feeling. I saw so many of my High School mates I haven't seen since 98 grad.  I had a bit of an anxiety attack…

 I've been busy these past few days. Been going to dancing class, seminars about "Cancer" learn about Prostate/Colon/and Anal Cancer with HIM (Health Initiative for Men). And I also went to watch an opera show yesterday night with John. (The Barber of Seville) "Figaro, Figaro" now I know where It came from. Definitely not Bugs Bunny and Tweetie Show. lol



Nothing really new here about my health. I'm having a lots of crying spell at night time before bed. Miss Michael too much.…

Another form of Death

*REVISED - Day After - I thought I want to make an apologies to my readers. I was so concern about all that had  happen I forgot to read a letter that was in the package.  It was on right side and all government stuff was on left. I only read left side and a cheque was on top of everything for me to sign. Turns out Michael made so much donation to charity and in the Will that he will get a good…

9 Months in...

So I'm 9 months into this journey without Michael.  I wanted a break last night and a change so I decided to hit the pub/nightclub "Numbers" on Davie Street.  A night of dancing with my friend Alan. I haven't been there for at least 3 years. I had a blast, but once I'm home around 3am I look to my left and my day dreaming started again imagining him right beside me holding my left arm.



Gosh,…