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ShelisJenkins (TiffanyLynn)'s Blog (16)

30th Birthday.. AKA It's my party and I can cry if I want to..

Today is my 30th birthday. Ive cried off and on for the last week thinking about today. I do not want to face today. I do not want to be starting the next decade of my life without him. I got to celebrate his 40th birthday with him, why didn't he get to celebrate my 30th birthday with me. Of course I am happy we got to celebrate my 29th birthday together. It is a memory I will cling onto, but I cant help but feel like all of this shit is unfair.

All I want for my birthday is for him…


Added by ShelisJenkins (TiffanyLynn) on June 29, 2015 at 7:17am — 6 Comments

I may get to meet his son...

In Blaine's 20's he had a child, he and his girlfriend gave their son up for adoption. When his son would have been turning 18, Blaine decided to get clean and start a new life. He hoped that his son would come looking for him. The day of Blaine's funeral my SOOL and I found Blaine's son on FB...

A few months ago my MOOL for up the nerve to call him. Spencer was sobbing he was so excited that he was found by his father's family. My MOOL did not tell him that…


Added by ShelisJenkins (TiffanyLynn) on May 27, 2015 at 7:18am — 1 Comment

This last weekend... planting the headstone.. and more heartbreak.

in 9 days it will be 6 months since my beautiful man was killed. It is hard to believe that much time has passed already. 

This weekend his parents and I went to install his headstone. On Saturday (which would have been a special anniversary for us, if he had survived) we went out to the cemetery to talk to the grounds keeper and make sure what we were doing was ok. There was a rather chatty older gentleman who was there (it was decoration day, so they were having…


Added by ShelisJenkins (TiffanyLynn) on May 4, 2015 at 8:08am — 2 Comments

It is finally setting in, he is gone.

This week has been rough, it is not an anniversary of anything, or a sadiversary since his death, but a few things this week have triggered me to finally recognize that this HAS happened and he is NOT coming home.

Sunday a friend of mine, who had never been out to where we lived, came out to pick me up. She walked inside our room and saw the hodgepodge of Blaine's stuff and my stuff mixed together. She looked down at a shoe rack under the desk and said "are all of…


Added by ShelisJenkins (TiffanyLynn) on April 22, 2015 at 5:58am — 7 Comments

Hereditary Widowhood

Pardon the title, I couldn't think of a better name for it. 

While discussing loss with a fellow wid and member, I started to think about the loss that preceeds my personal loss in my family. 

22 years ago, my mother woke up to find her husband had passed in his sleep due to complications of ALS. I was 7 years old. I didn't really understand loss at the time. I knew he was sick, and I understood in a way, that he was gone from our…


Added by ShelisJenkins (TiffanyLynn) on March 11, 2015 at 5:56am — 1 Comment

Dealing with the wife

So, as mentioned in my "Unwed "widow" of a married man at a Widow's Dinner" my dear sweet man was still legally married to another when he was killed. 

B & T (yeah.. we share the same first initial...) were married when I met B 10 long years ago. For him it was an instant attraction to me. He knew little to nothing about me and decided that I needed to be in his life in some form or fashion, So he hired me. I developed a school girl crush on him, but there…


Added by ShelisJenkins (TiffanyLynn) on February 18, 2015 at 6:20am — No Comments

Irrational VS Rational

Today is a milestone of sorts for me, one that I never thought I would have to face. 

What used to be my favorite random day of the year; Friday the 13th just happens to be 3 months since my love was killed. 

What a doozy of a combo huh? Even more fun with Valentine's day just a few hours away. Can this weekend go die in a fire? 

Irrational VS Rational

Like most of us, I have…


Added by ShelisJenkins (TiffanyLynn) on February 13, 2015 at 12:10pm — 3 Comments

Unwed "widow" of a married man at a Widow's Dinner

Last night I attended another Widow Dinner. The first was a wonderful experience, I felt like I had found a home group that would not judge me for being an Unwed less than 30 year old "widow". Last night I realized how wrong I was. 

Last night they had asked us to bring pictures of our spouses so we could sort of memorialize them.. Or that is what it turned into. Everyone spoke so elegantly about their love and the time they shared, and even about the illness or sudden loss. 



Added by ShelisJenkins (TiffanyLynn) on January 27, 2015 at 7:30am — 6 Comments

Getting my memorial tattoo. 1-25-15

From the day B  passed away, I knew I was goinig to get a tattoo for him. 

When we first started talking, I asked him how he felt about dating a girl that had no body piercings or tattoos, he simply replied "I want to take that virginity " Today he did just that. 

Over the past few weeks a lot of design ideas crossed my mind. I wanted to get the word "Promise" in his hand writing on my pinky. After "searching" I could not find the word, in the hand writing i came to know and…


Added by ShelisJenkins (TiffanyLynn) on January 25, 2015 at 1:30pm — 9 Comments

Self Loathing and Forgiveness

Today at the meetings I attend (not loss related) the topic was about forgiveness. At first I thought the topic would be like all the rest, vaguely apply to me and i'd leave slightly clear headed. 

Today however, i felt like I was hit with a bus of self loathing and hate. I was talking to my sister out of law, about how much I missed Blaine and how I keep thinking he will come back.. I'm not sure what I heard but something in me just had a revelation. 

I do NOT forgive, or even…


Added by ShelisJenkins (TiffanyLynn) on January 17, 2015 at 3:09pm — 1 Comment

His lil bunny is with him.

My darling Blaine used to call me his Lil Bunny. So for christmas my little sister got me this little guy to leave out at Blaine's grave. I decided to write a little note to him on the underside. The wording may sound a little childish but, B and I were very young at heart and often "baby talked". 

Now his little bunny is there with him, just like he is…


Added by ShelisJenkins (TiffanyLynn) on January 7, 2015 at 4:35pm — 2 Comments

The last few days.. aka .. the holiday rollercoaster

These are the "sharable" moments that have happened between December 23rd and today. 

December 23rd: I got to have dinner with 3 people that were very important in my love's life. Two of them were guy friends that he had had for years, that had lots of stories of their antics together, the last was a woman that he had referred to as his soul mate. I was not super excited about meeting her, I had heard so much about her that I had even put her up on a pedastal. I…


Added by ShelisJenkins (TiffanyLynn) on December 29, 2014 at 7:26am — 1 Comment

My Mother in laws new keepsake

When I got home from work last night, the in-laws were not home yet. When they got home I saw that my mother in law had a new necklace on. She took it off and handed it to me. She said that her former sister in law had picked out these charms and put it together for her. Inside the card that came with it was a little piece of paper, that explained why…


Added by ShelisJenkins (TiffanyLynn) on December 11, 2014 at 6:09am — 2 Comments

Our love & The night of the accident.

First the story of our love: 

My love and I met over 10 years ago when he hired me to help him run his retail store. I instantly thought he was attractive, but I was in a committed relationship and he was married. He chose me to be his assistant manager when we moved locations and I was allowed to get just a little closer to him. At the end of our run at that location, after the store closed down, I had lost all contact with him. He saw something in me that no one else did, he took a…


Added by ShelisJenkins (TiffanyLynn) on December 3, 2014 at 6:23am — 5 Comments

Quote for my Love's headstone...

You are always in my thoughts,

your love is still my guide. 

And though I can not touch your hand,

I know you are by my side. 

Added by ShelisJenkins (TiffanyLynn) on December 2, 2014 at 9:23am — 1 Comment

My Dear B.

Every morning I wake up and wish that this was all a dream. That i've been stuck in this nightmare that I cant escape, and I'll wake up and find you next to me. Where you are supposed to be, where you said you would always be.

Everyone says that you will be with me for the rest of my life, in my heart, in my mind, and all around me. While most would take comfort in this thought, it just makes me mad. I miss your voice, the beat of your heart when I would lay my head against your…


Added by ShelisJenkins (TiffanyLynn) on December 1, 2014 at 4:31am — 2 Comments

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