CrazyWidow's Blog – May 2011 Archive (14)

When Kevin was sick, community came out of everywhere.  We were sent support from Winnipeg, Manitoba, Kevin's hometown, Lancaster, Pennsylvania, my hometown, and many parts in between.  Much of our support came from friends and family, but we also received support from complete strangers: community.

With the recent tragedies hitting towns all over the country due to tornadoes and floods, I have had the pleasure of reading amazing accounts of bravery and support from people from the…

Today's my birthday and I woke up in a craptastic mood.  In fact, I went to bed in a craptastic mood and apparently it did nothing but brew all night long while I was sleeping.  I was angry this morning, but why?  My life's become pretty good, but I was just disappointed, upset, angry.

I hate it when I can't pinpoint my emotions or assign them to any one thing.  Having gone on vacation, I missed a few weeks of therapy and I opted today to enjoy my birthday instead of going to…

From my friends - I need YOU!

I am working to switch my focus from a heavy blog dedication to finishing the book (how many times have I typed this phrase before??) as well as focusing more on travel writing.  No, I'm not leaving grief writing behind, just wanting to give my friends a chance to share their journeys while I work on mine!

If you have a grief related story, whether through death or just general loss, I'd like you to share on my blog.  Drop me an email at…

As I work on trying to promote to upcoming Sarcoma fundraiser: a Lancaster Barnstormers baseball game on 7/16 and a bike/walk/run in East Petersburg, Pa on 9/24, I am trying to get the information out to all the locals who are affected on a daily basis by Sarcoma cancers.  Of course, my history leads me to check in often with the Angiosarcoma Cancer group right here on twitter.  Everyday I read the stories posted there, and realize how many more lives are being destroyed by this cancer. …

What am I doing?  No, really.  What is it that I do day in and out that inspires me, drains me, encourages me, floors me, stops me?  I have hit the wall of depression that inevitably ensues upon return from a great vacation.  Now comes the evaluation part after I've had a few days to decompress, relax, explore new things.  What am I doing?

At my writer's group this week I forced them to set a date for me, to make a plan, proceed with a goal to (EEEEEK) commit to something.  Memoir. …

I met Erin through the great "widow connections" on Twitter, and have since gotten to know her more intimately through a great widow forum we are both involved in: Widowed Village.  Erin is open, raw, and at times very amusing both about her journey in loss and with her daily joys as a Mother.  I am honored to have her share us today about her reaction to Osama Bin Laden's death.  You'll read more about why I wanted to hear her thoughts…

Thoughts (via Tweet) from last evening:

"An odd amount of sadness washed over me as I prepared my apartment for my departure. What if I never returned? I felt the grief of others.

I rarely think of my death, but now that I have, I wish none to feel the grief I felt in losing Kev; I wish that pain upon not even the worst.

I imagine the pain that others would feel having to look at my stuff as they sorted through my life, a combination of my things, and Kevs.

I feel…

I lost my husband to cancer, but many women and men lost their spouses to a war.  The man who initiated the attacks in the US on September 11, 2001 was killed and now what?  Do these widow(er)s feel vindicated and just that their spouses died trying to protect our country by searching out such hateful people?

In my experience, death never feels worth the good that comes from it.  I have been fortunate to have many awesome things happen, that without Kevin dying, never would have…

I didn't want to, but y'all made me do it!  THE ROYAL WEDDING.  My friend Stephanie wrote this on Facebook today: "There's so much pomp and circumstance surrounding this Royal Wedding. I hope more so was invested in the marriage itself."  In general, I find that I get caught up in the big, momentous, occasions in life, often failing to notice the details that make up the whole relationships that brought forth these events.  Engagement instead of relationship, weddings and anniversaries…

I cannot do this.

You do not know how many times I have said this to myself.  It has probably been more along the lines of "I don't THINK I can do this" which leaves me to believe that I cannot.

My parents supported me through my many phases of entering adulthood: when I wanted to be a journalist, then a mechanic, then a makeup sales person, then a business student - the list does on and on.  They just stood behind me and let me change my path again and again, trying their best…

This morning I had the privilege to read a guest post on my friend Susan's blog discussing body image.  I have touched before on my issues dealing with self esteem and negative body image, but I don't know if I have ever intimately shared with my readers how these issues began.  I still don't know exactly how they began, but I would say it had something to do with hitting puberty at the ripe old age of...10.

I was the…

I think I'm gonna write.  I know, what do you call THIS?  I've been working (at a pace of about 3 pages a month) on my memoir since after Kevin died.  If you go back to the early days of losing Kevin, you'll see that Kevin actually asked/told me to write our story, and I know he didn't just mean it to be a blog.  He meant it to be more, he believed in me.

The boy also believes in me.  He wants me to not only write but finish the book.  To find some closure in having it written.  To…

I should know to trust the unexpected, especially if it involves things I have planned around not expecting the unexpected.

I am being shown, again and again, that my life is not within in my control.  This hasn't seemed to stop me from being an ultimate control freak, but I'm learning.  Very slowly.  Nothing has happened in the past few weeks that I have really planned for, necessarily wanted, or at the very least, expected.  I have a heaping plate of unexpected sitting in front of…

Life tends to go in threes.  It has usually done so for my family, and I have been its bitter grateful recipient.  When Kevin died, within 6 months I lost an angiosarcoma friend, and my grandfather.  Three.  Whenever something has broken in my family, (i.e. washer), the refrigerator and kitchen sink went with it.  Is your life this way too?

My boy drove home my new to me motorcycle, this little gem:

He was excited about it, as was I!  After investing a…