CrazyWidow's Blog – August 2011 Archive (23)

I really wanted to blog from camp widow, like, every 2 hours.  I wanted it to be a live-from-the-event detailing of everything that was happening.  But, I also wanted to be part of what was happening.  I came home, and I wanted to blog about EVERYTHING.  I was exhausted.  Mentally, physically, spiritually, everything ___ly.  Finally I'm able to take some time, to have stepped away from that weekend, from all the many wonderful and interesting widow(er)s and look at my notes and breathe and…

Do you ever think back and go "how in God's name did I get here?"  When Kevin became sick, I asked myself that.  When Kevin died, I asked myself that.  When I was working through widowhood at 24, I asked myself that.  Now, I ask myself that again as I'm facing back surgery, how did I get here?

I feel like, ever since returning from Camp Widow, heck, even before that, that life is in an altered state.  I returned from a music concert and then tweaked my back a month ago.  Hard to…

If you follow me on Twitter...or Facebook, or if you read this blog, you know I've been having a pity party.  Woe is moi.  I screwed up my back.  My widow friends are going through hard times.  I have no money.  WAH WAH WAH.

It's time to funkify myself out of this.  There is no better way to get through a tough time than to pick at each other.  In this case, I'm going to share with you the top 10 worst flattering pictures of me on Facebook.  I'm going to number them 10-1 and I…

I want to write about Camp Widow and the tips I have and the experiences I had and the relationships I made.  But sometimes something more powerful overshadows all the wants.  Sometimes you read someone's news and your heart shatters with theirs.

What I read on the Facebook status of a widowed friend today broke my heart into a million pieces.  It goes beyond what my mind can comprehend, beyond ways I have learned to heal.  These things transcend what my body is able to handle.  This…

I returned yesterday from 4 special days in San Diego attending Camp Widow.  When I arrived, I was overwhelmed.  I had hoped I would see faces and just "know" who they were.  I was hoping I wouldn't feel lost.  I was hoping I could instantly connect.

It took just a few hours, but soon, I was doing all those things.  I put names to faces of those whom I had been developing friendships with online for the past several months and years.  I hugged…

I'm laying in my bed at the San Diego Marriott Marquis and in this hotel are nearly 300 other widows and widowers.

I am not alone.

When I lost my husband I felt so very alone.

I am not alone.

I was 24, my local support group was all senior citizens

I am not alone.

Other widows found me and showed me the way.

I am not alone.

Now today, I am not alone in so many ways.

I would love to hear how YOU'RE not alone while here at Camp…

Today you can read my guest blog over at Shawn Smucker's blog.

For the widows who are reading and are in San Diego at Camp Widow, come find me and say hi!  You'll see me hobbling around with a strawberry cane.  I can't wait to meet you all!

Original Post can be found at http://crazywidow.info/?p=3591

Who would want to spend an entire weekend with a bunch of sappy widdas?

Me.

I've seen the looks when I tell people I'm going to "Camp Widow".  I can tell that they think it sounds morbid, depressing, like they very last thing I should be doing.  I have found myself even saying I'm just going to a "conference" where I'll be speaking about blogging.  Those two things are partly true, but I left out the main characters: I'm going to a…

Friday morning I fly out to San Diego.  It will be the first time in this city, for which I'm quite excited, but also the first time I get to meet widows of all ages and kinds.  I also get to meet widows with whom I have built deep relationships.  I get to meet Erin who lost her husband in the war.  I get to meet Joanna and see her new engagement bling.  I get to reconnect with two of my…

Ok, I'm going to rant.  I hope I don't piss anyone off, but I get SO VERY FRUSTRATED with people going through a divorce. 

Maybe it's because I WANTED my marriage with Kevin to last.

Maybe it's because I feel like they threw away a good marriage all for greener pastures.

Maybe it's because I'm jealous that they got to CHOOSE when they wanted their marriage to end, I didn't.

Maybe it's because I feel that they got their cake, now…

 

This past weekend I found myself stopping by the cemetery where Kevin is buried.  These days I rarely visit.  It’s usually only when I have some down time and I’m in the area.  I know other widow(er)s who visit weekly, some even daily, to feel closer to their lost love.  Not me.  I have never visited multiple times in a week.  It’s because I feel he’s not…

It's Friday which means we soon have FREEDOM from the weekday stress that all of us deal with unless we're one of those freaky people who absolutely love their job every minute of every day.  To those people, I hate you (not really, but kinda). 

One thing I cannot escape in my life is the sticky note. …

I met Joel Cornett on (*gasp surprise*) twitter.  Joel is part of the leadership team at Gap Community Church and has a deep passion for faith.  While I tiptoed away from many religious connections after Kevin's death, when I began following Joel on twitter I sensed not only his passion but his sincerity and belief that God is above all.  Joel shared with everyone his account of his church youth group's experience with the death of a friend on twitter one…

I layed in pain this morning in the only position where 80% of the pain was subsided.  A position I can't get into while working, driving, doing anything in my daily routine but sleeping.  I thought about the pain I was going through, then tried to refocus it, to ignore it.  Maybe if I ignore it, it will go away.  I prayed.  I cried.  I shouted, did anything I could to not feel it.

This is such a similar to post to one I would have written in the slow months after losing Kevin.  I…

You never know what someone is going through.  Be nice.  It seems simple doesn't it?

It's not. I have probably yelled all the expletives in my car this week as I drive to work.  It's the most painful part of my day right now with my pinched nerve.  Sitting in the car for those 8 excruciating minutes makes everyone a target for my anger and resentment and frustration.  "*&*$#*&@ MOOOOOVE" I yell if someone doesn't hit the gas the minute the light turns…

When my hubby became ill and we realized neither of us would be able to work (him due to his illness, me due to becoming a full time caretaker and our relocation to Baltimore for treatment) we gave up our apartment and moved all of our stuff into my parents house.  They were always a great fall back. There whenever we needed them to be, and this was a great time of need.

After hubby died two months after we moved in with my parents, I continued living there until I could get…

One of the biggest concerns or issues that I see widow(er)s discuss is their FAMILY.  Whether it be a blood relative or an in-law, there are very few instances of smooth outcomes with the loss of your spouse, who is either their son, daughter, or in-law.  Death leads to drama, it's a definite connection.

I have heard horrible stories.  Stories that leave you with your chin on your keyboard and your fingers wanting to type off a hate letter to the person that said those horrid things. …