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Lakelady's Blog (14)

9.5 Morths

I did not know what to title this blog.

I have noticed at almost 10 months, my heart is waking up from being encased in ice since John's loss. I don't know if it is due to the timeline, or the care of a good friend, but I feel "woken up." While it feels good sometimes to rejoin the land of the living, the flip side of this is that the almost-sharp pain of grief is back sometimes, as it was in the early days.

Yesterday, My son and I attended a youth group officer… Continue

Added by Lakelady on February 8, 2015 at 4:30pm — 1 Comment


I am so grateful for my friends. I've been blessed with a few close ones and some who have been becoming close as a result of this loss, many of whom have endured losses themselves.

On Friday I had a really good visit from a friend. He hasn't endured loss in his life, but he gets my loss – I'm not sure why, but I'm grateful for it. I appreciate him more than he can possibly understand.

This visit he showed up with flowersand replacement journal since I had filled my latest… Continue

Added by Lakelady on January 25, 2015 at 3:55pm — No Comments

New Year

I find it odd that I still can't write about the holidays. Normally it's really easy to blog but I'm finding I don't know what to say. The holidays are bittersweet, as I expected them to be.

So here I am, facing the electronic equivalent of a "blank sheet of paper" and we're staring each other down.

In many ways the holidays were about retracing my steps. My husband was estranged from his mother for very good reasons – she's a bully and had done some very very cruel things… Continue

Added by Lakelady on January 4, 2015 at 3:00pm — No Comments

Thanksgiving to Thanksgetting

We survived Thanksgiving.

We made a different decision...decided to spend it with friends we adore like family. We spent the day at the Masonic Lodge in service to those who serve us...40+ sailors from the Great Lakes Naval Station. My husband John started this with his amazing friend Todd a few years ago as a service event for the Lodge and it has grown every year.

It is a full day of events...we pick up the sailors in buses early in the morning and bring them to the… Continue

Added by Lakelady on November 27, 2014 at 6:00pm — No Comments


I am skipping Thanksgiving-so shoot me :-)

We loved this holiday in prior years....we enjoyed it with my family or in the past few years, we traveled. It was wonderful and filled with memories.

Last year and this year....not so much. This year, my sister can't host the meal-illness with her inlaws prevents that. My husband was estranged from his parents for good reason...sometimes you have to sever or suspend a toxic relationship to ensure your own "oxygen mask" stays in… Continue

Added by Lakelady on November 19, 2014 at 3:45am — 2 Comments


I finally have the answers that I've been waiting for for almost 5 1/2 months.

And I'm truly not sure what I'm feeling now that I have them.

I spoke to the State's Attorney's Office yesterday. Of course the call came in the middle of conference that I was supposed to be at – of course it came at the worst possible time – but I needed to drop everything and have that conversation.

The upshot is they can't press charges against the man who hit and killed my… Continue

Added by Lakelady on October 8, 2014 at 5:30pm — No Comments

Softer Days

Softer days have been sneaking up on me lately. I don't know if it's the soothing influence of nature or simply that I'm at a point my grief where "remembering" isn't hurting like razor blades these days.

I've been diligent with my journal pouring out over the past five months my grief and a daily basis. I make time to grieve daily. Sometimes, it takes different forms for me: my journal, a glass of wine and a conversation with a husband who is no longer there, drawing, writing a… Continue

Added by Lakelady on September 25, 2014 at 4:07pm — 2 Comments

Staring into the Void

It's 4 AM Chicago time and I'm awake.

Yesterday was one of those days when I broke wide open when I felt so helpless that I couldn't even speak or breathe for missing the one constant for the last 17 years – my beloved partner... my friend lover laughter life.

I know exactly what sparked it was the call-The one I've been dreading – from the police. I know it wasn't supposed to bring closure but it would've been nice, yesterday, to get some answers, to… Continue

Added by Lakelady on September 16, 2014 at 2:30am — 2 Comments

How do I even begin to say "Thank You"?

"Thank you" seems woefully inadequate these days.

It's just not enough.

Yes I've lost friends who can't handle being around someone who is a "widow" or has "baggage". I have dealt with "drive-by kindness" that was more about people being seen to help me then actually seeing me and helping me.

But then there are the others......

Others like my friend Ange who showed up with her husband Todd right after the police arrived to notify me of John's death… Continue

Added by Lakelady on August 5, 2014 at 2:49am — 3 Comments

Nobody Knows What To Say To Me

I used to let people come talk to me and I would listen. Now, in the "after" that is widowhood, I open conversations with "Listen, frankly, first of all, no one knows what to say to us (Collin and I) and we don't know what to say back".

I started doing it out of sheer desperation becuase otherwise I would be bombarded with really cruel (mostly unintentionally so) remarks by people like:

"You were meant to be alone". (REALLY?!? If that were the case I (1) wouldn't have… Continue

Added by Lakelady on July 30, 2014 at 6:30pm — No Comments

Waking the Zombies

My son Collin and I were were eating frozen yogurt and talking about our lives. He said to me, "Mom, I am a zombie. I get up, go along, and cry when I need to, but mostly, I feel like a zombie."

He's right.

We are having a gorgeous summer here in Chicagoland (for you outsiders, that's what we call the "collar counties" that ring the city of Chicago). The sun is shining, the weather may get a bit hot some days, but it is apparently a pretty good summer.

My son… Continue

Added by Lakelady on July 27, 2014 at 6:41pm — No Comments

First Business Trip...After

Tomorrow I leave on a short business trip (4 days) to New York. I will take Collin with me and drop him at my parents house in Poughkeepsie so he can have some Grandparent time. I fully expect to get him back spoiled thoroughly.

My company has been amazing...they have sent flowers from around the world, cards, letters, DVDs, food for our kitties and for us, and even offered to move this meeting to Chicago if it would be easier for me to attend. My boss named a star for my husband, so… Continue

Added by Lakelady on July 19, 2014 at 5:42am — 2 Comments


It has been a "ricochet day" for the last two. I am the pinball flying around the pinball machine, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, sometimes high-speed between the bumpers of my own emotions.

It has been happening since I weathered what would have been our 17th Wedding Anniversary. Instead of celebrating "our summer" I brought two roses to his gravesite and had a cathartic cry while I told him about how much I missed him. I told him all the things he missed (our 11 year old at… Continue

Added by Lakelady on July 15, 2014 at 5:31pm — 2 Comments

Son's First Haircut Without Dad

Who knew a trip to the barber could be so hard? I live in a wonderful town and my husband had been taking our 11 year old to the local barbershop for years. My son Collin had been putting off the trip, saying he wanted to go, but he wasn't ready. Yesterday, we went together.

It's one of many "firsts" he and I have had to navigate together, but this one hurt in a different way. He wanted to go, but I could tell by the look on his eyes as the dads brought their sons that it just… Continue

Added by Lakelady on July 13, 2014 at 9:52am — 1 Comment

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