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Patience's Blog (16)

My fifth Christmas without You

You died in May of 2012.

So impossible to understand the finality of death until it happens. Five years is a long time. Long. I don't like this feeling of missing you so much. I can't imagine five more years feeling so ... adrift ...

My 85 year old mother fell and broke her hip 2 weeks ago. That makes it even harder to get into the "Christmas spirit." I have a feeling she'll be able to rehab this hip but I have this scary feeling about her future.

What is the Christmas spirit? I… Continue

Added by Patience on December 17, 2016 at 5:23pm — 6 Comments

My Dog is still Grieving

She's really Wayne's Dog. It's been two years and every day she waits. She lays in the driveway, just where she always waited for him. Like Hachiko, the loyal Japanese dog, patiently waiting for his deceased Master, for 8 years.

Today I noticed something different. Patience, yep, she's Patience- I know. .. She seems like she's aging overnight. I heard for us humans 2 years is when we start to realize, "They're not coming back."

What about dogs? Is Patience finally realizing Wayne's… Continue

Added by Patience on June 4, 2014 at 4:30pm — 11 Comments

May 2012 "Hospice"

May 10, 2012. The hospital bed arrived today. They set it up in the family room, overlooking Wayne's beautiful garden. Wayne's in the house watching westerns. From the garden, I call our good friend and leader of our Rosary Foundation, Ray Skop. Ray is known as "the holy man with a twist" He's a little psychic, actually he's very psychic.

I tell Ray that the Dr has ordered hospice for Wayne, but she doesn't think Wayne is going to die anytime soon.

I ask Ray, "what do…


Added by Patience on May 20, 2014 at 4:30pm — 11 Comments

May 2012 Part I "The Road to Hospice"

I thought this would be a short essay, like my previous posts.  I was wrong, this is a long story.

 Wayne and I married young-we grew up together!  Wayne used to be the most energetic person I ever met. He ran his own business, had many hobbies; sometimes I felt I had to wait in line to talk to him!  We have two grown daughters.  We are definitely a team. Well, the leader of our team is definitely slowing down.

May 1, 2012. Wayne, has been fighting prostate cancer since…


Added by Patience on May 16, 2014 at 11:00am — 10 Comments

Vigil May 2012

When I first listened to the song "lullaby" by the group "the Tenors"  It brought back a ton of emotions related to my last hours with my beloved Wayne. 

What follows are my thoughts as best I…

Added by Patience on April 3, 2014 at 8:00pm — 6 Comments

Standing Still in Grief

Tuesday, 3.18.14. 11:00AM

It's a pajama day again. The college where I teach is on spring break. The sun shining makes me feel like I should get outside to walk. Problem is it's 36' out. And I have a sore foot. The dogs and I are curled up on Wayne's and my big bed.

Wayne wouldn't be doing this if he were here. He'd be out working, cleaning the garage, hunting or driving somewhere with a friend or with me.

He lived life to the fullest. I'd say, "let's just hang out;… Continue

Added by Patience on March 18, 2014 at 7:30am — 6 Comments


I've started believing lately what my late husband Wayne always told me.  He believed that everyone has a pre-set time when their life will end.  He really believed that and talked about it when we were first married.. back when he was 22. He also told me and others that he thought he'd die young.  He died at age 58. Of course I used to play the "what if"  game over and over. I don't anymore..

But today I just can't get motivated to accomplish anything.  



Added by Patience on December 19, 2013 at 8:30am — 8 Comments

Missing Wayne

We were watching family videos last night. It was 2009, and I was the videographer.  Wayne and some others were in the living room. We were on vacation.   I was enjoying watching Wayne, and listening to his voice.  I love hearing his voice.

I was so happy watching him. Then, Wayne said, "Ok, I have go go now, Bye!"  And he went out the door. 


I haven't recovered. It's been 24 hours.  Of course today is 17 months that Wayne is dead.

Am I losing it?  Is this…


Added by Patience on October 20, 2013 at 8:00pm — 4 Comments

Conversation with my Daughter

 My older daughter, Jess told me something profound tonight.

 She said that 8 days before Wayne died, she told him that she wished she'd been a more considerate and caring daughter to him. She told him that Mommy (me) and Amanda (her sister)  were so caring and involved. She told him she wished she had been as involved in his care and in helping him. (It's so significant that Jess would even tell me this. She's the daughter who doesn't say much.)

 I was stunned.  I…


Added by Patience on October 7, 2013 at 4:30pm — 9 Comments

My Purpose

             What is my path?  What is my purpose?  I want to know.  Is it best to wait for God or the Universe to tell me? For years, my purpose was helping Wayne.  And that purpose became increasingly important as Wayne was failing...  Almost like a free fall into the abyss of whatever his true purpose was. And I think through Wayne's illness, he and I both learned to be patient and pro-active at the same time.  And to do our best at helping those who needed our help.  



Added by Patience on September 28, 2013 at 10:55am — 3 Comments

The Look

My step father, Dave has it. "The look." I recognize it. Wayne had it starting about 6 months before he died. I'm angry, Dave shouldn't have the look. He's only 76. He fell and broke his hip, had surgery Friday. I was at his bedside yesterday and he looked at me and said, "Don't look so sad, Diane." But, I wasn't looking sad.

Hopefully I'm imagining all of this. He'll be fine.

Added by Patience on August 25, 2013 at 7:30pm — 6 Comments

Our Bench

          I've started running...again..  was never the fastest...  always proud to be in the middle of the pack. Tended to wonder about those at the back.. Of course the back is were I am now!  

         20 years ago, stumbled upon a great group of women.. and one or two "token males"  lol.. we've run/walked together through life... participating in fun road races,  discussing life events... raising our children, discussing colleges, our jobs, our husband's jobs, our…


Added by Patience on August 19, 2013 at 10:30am — 7 Comments

This is Strange, Need to Share

 I need to share this. It's a little strange.. but I'm hoping you folks will understand.   I had a flash back today from my childhood.
            Between the ages of 3 and 5,  I had an imaginary friend. But he was real, I could see him clearly.  His name was Tiger.  We began spending time together when my family lived with my grandparents, in their 200 year old home. He was the best friend a girl could have.…

Added by Patience on August 6, 2013 at 7:20pm — 8 Comments

He loved me beyond all reason

I never expected it. Never was looking for it. Never saw it coming.  Just walked right into it. His love for me was endless, all encompassing, wild, crazy. He was life personified. He had so many friends. So many interests. So much energy. So much everything. And he loved me. He really really really loved me. Beyond all reason or understanding. 

Where do I go with this? Where do I take it? What do I do with it? 

This wild, crazy endless love. 

Added by Patience on July 26, 2013 at 8:40pm — 20 Comments


It's pretty amazing how getting out of our comfort zone can be so.. comforting.  Just returned from an 8 hour road trip to Vermont.  Since being widowed, I've been doing a fair amount of driving.  This trip was "extra special" because my darling daughters and mother were along for the fun. Have you ever had three backseat drivers?  

   This was originally planned as my Aunt's burial, but the deluge of July rain in Burlington caused that to be postponed.. again. The first…


Added by Patience on July 16, 2013 at 12:17pm — 8 Comments

Where is Superwoman?

It's been one year and 15 days since Wayne's body stopped.  Just stopped. His body was alive one minute, and not the next.  May 20th, 2012.  A week before this was Mother's day, May 13th.  The day before that was Saturday. And the hospice team came to meet Wayne, me and our two daughters.  They, by some miracle were both home. They were with their Dad his last day home, ever. 

  Saturday evening Wayne started failing.  He was anxious. He was uncomfortable. He was in pain. He'd…


Added by Patience on June 15, 2013 at 12:30pm — 20 Comments

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