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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

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Mariposa's Blog (22)

It's the MOST MISERABLE TIME of the Year! (Sing it Folks!)

Ah, the holidays. Lights twinkling, friends and family gathering, candles glowing, and frost nipping at your nose. And then GRIEF tripping you on your own toes.  Yeah, it is hard to slog through it. If only there was a fast forward button to breeze my way through this season. All that disgusting joy outside but such sadness on the inside which is why it can be the most miserable time of year.

This time of year is so hard for anyone with a recent loss, especially the loss of a spouse.…

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Added by Mariposa on December 14, 2014 at 8:00am — No Comments

DEAD MEN DO NOT REGISTER TO VOTE

This weekend it will be Father's Day, and as a widow still raising a teen boy, the grief wave has hit me already. Grief rears its head unexpectedly and has a life of its own, so I surrender to it and ride the wave until it passes.

Then today in the mail an envelope arrives with my husband's full name on it and I wondered what could this "time sensitive information" actually be, since he has been dead for 30 months. (It's a little late, don't you think? Sorry, a little warped widow…

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Added by Mariposa on June 11, 2014 at 1:16pm — 2 Comments

THe PRISM OF WIDOWHOOD

"The prism of widowhood clarifies priorities." I wrote that on my planner on the Monday of Feb. 24, 2014, a few days before what would have been our 23rd wedding anniversary. For some reason, today I opened up to that page in my planner.

I guess in a way widowhood is a sort of laser vision. What is important? Family, love, friends, and time spent together with those we cherish. 

I now have this effective filter that strains out so much of the rubbish…

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Added by Mariposa on May 27, 2014 at 11:01am — 1 Comment

Sorry, But the Allowable Time Period for Mourning Has Expired....

That is the expectation that I keep bumping into from well meaning friends and relatives, and those are not the words that come out of their mouths, but it is essentially the message: "Sorry, the allowable time period for mourning has expired."  I know that their well meaning words come from a place out of ignorance of not having any comprehension of the heartbreak and devastation of losing a spouse.

I have shared that this month has been hard because of significant…

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Added by Mariposa on February 23, 2014 at 3:58am — 17 Comments

EVERYTHING CAN CHANGE IN A NEW YORK MINUTE

December 12th marked the two year anniversary since I lost the love of my life.  Yet, this is the third Christmas without him, the third New Year's Eve without him. Two years ago on New Year's Eve day, I buried the urn that contained the remains of the man that I had loved since I was 18 years old. We were a couple for 28 years and married 20 years 10 months before cancer ripped him from my arms.

For whatever reason, this year the holidays have been extraordinarily hard. I have had…

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Added by Mariposa on December 27, 2013 at 3:22pm — 8 Comments

Reflecting on Keeping Up Relations with the .....IN-Laws

My Thanksgiving visit to both sides of the family up in New Jersey was okay, but it has left me with a deep feeling of sadness. Acceptance, but sadness. I enjoyed seeing my sisters, my brother, my dad, step-father, nephews, nieces and a bunch of other relatives and friends. However, I was happy to return home to Texas to the peace and serenity of my humble dwelling. I was happy to escape from DYSFUNCTION JUNCTION!!

The Thanksgiving visit showed the true colors of two of my unmarried…

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Added by Mariposa on December 16, 2013 at 1:50pm — 7 Comments

VOLUNTEERING....IS.... HELPING ME FEEL BETTER

Today marks 21 months since my husband died, and it is the first 12th of the month that I am not sad, nor in despair, or crying. What gives?  What is different? Am I healed?  It is almost as if I feel.....normal. Is that it?

The only thing I can attribute this change to is the fact that I started volunteering at a non-profit this week. I have offered my services to help the director in an administrative capacity. Part of the duties involve calling the clients of this non-profit, all…

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Added by Mariposa on September 12, 2013 at 5:52pm — 8 Comments

WHAT DO YOU USE TO GET OVER THE DEATH OF A SPOUSE? SEX?? DRUGS?? ALCOHOL?? FOOD?? TV??

SEX! SEX! SEX! That three letter words gets attention, whether we admit it or not, regardless of where, when, or how it is used. What do we use to cope with the pain from our loss? SEX? DRUGS? ALCOHOL? FOOD? TV? SHOPPING?

I recently posted two links, one by Outlaw Widow who wrote about SKIN HUNGER which included a brutally honest poem about the desire for anonymous sex to quench that skin hunger. In the first 6-8 months after his death, I felt as if…

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Added by Mariposa on August 24, 2013 at 2:20pm — 4 Comments

DEALING WTIH SKIN HUNGER

I happened upon this website and just have to share it because it is brutally honest about the widow's/widower's loss and longing for skin-to-skin contact.

I hope the link works.

Peace.

http://outlawblogspot.blogspot.com/2005/10/skin-hunger.html

Added by Mariposa on August 21, 2013 at 3:36pm — 4 Comments

TOXIC FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS (With a Brother-in-law)

I am trying to maintain family connections since my husband's death some 20 months ago, but it is a challenge with his side of the family. My husband was an angry, difficult man and we lived walking on egg shells. It is clear that his whole family is similar.

In the past year or so, the two brother-in-laws who do call, (there are five total), attempted to circumvent speaking with me by continuously calling my son on his cell phone. This started when my son was just 14 and he is now…

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Added by Mariposa on August 18, 2013 at 7:06am — 2 Comments

LUNCH At HIS FAVORITE RESTAURANT WITH MY SON

Monday, August 12, 2013, has marked 20 months since I lost my life partner and husband of 20 years 10 months of marriage. We were a couple since I was 18 years old, so overall, we were a couple for 28 years of my life. (SIGH!)

Ed and I dated for seven years, then we suddenly married and moved away. He CHANGED almost immediately. It was a marriage with plenty of challenges and problems. I loved him way too much, and the love for this angry, difficult man just would not go away.  I…

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Added by Mariposa on August 15, 2013 at 3:38pm — 3 Comments

Article: Dating After the Death of a Spouse

This article was a good read for anyone who has begun to date or is thinking about it.

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/dating-after-death-of-spouse

Added by Mariposa on August 8, 2013 at 12:53pm — 4 Comments

POST SCRIPT TO SECOND FATHER's DAY WITHOUT HIM

I am so grateful for this online community, one very special friend who totally understands loss, and for my therapist.

All of us know how hard it is to lose a spouse, and if you were lucky enough to have children with him/her, the passing of mother's day or father's day is tough.

In a conversation with a friend and I shared how sad i was this Father's Day, the second one without him and 18 months after losing him, the reply from my friend was "Oh, so you are feeling…

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Added by Mariposa on July 2, 2013 at 4:08am — 2 Comments

Second Father's Day Without Him

In two days it will be 18 months since I lost my husband of 20 years of marriage to a rare cancer, leaving me to raise our teen son alone.  And here I am wondering why I'm so burdened with sadness and despair, and why I keep bursting into tears. A phrase I saw years ago: "The mind tries to forget, but the heart always remembers."

It is not just the approach of Father's Day that is bringing up the sadness. I realized it was the memories of what happened two years ago during the month…

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Added by Mariposa on June 10, 2013 at 10:31am — 4 Comments

ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY

The one year anniversary of my husband's death is coming next week on December 12th.

When December 12, 2012 arrives, my son and I will have:

  • Survived one year without him. 
  • Survived 12 months without him.
  • Survived 52 weeks without him
  • Survived 365 days without him.
  • Survived 8,765 hours without him.
  • Survived 31,556,926 seconds without him.

I have felt each second of loss, each hour of pain, each day of sorrow, each…

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Added by Mariposa on December 9, 2012 at 10:22am — 7 Comments

How To Be Alone by Tanya Davis

This is a video done for a poem that talks about the beauty and gift of "aloneness." It is a challenge for anyone who has lost a spouse to look deeply into the emptiness and turn it into a gift. But this video gently reminds us how. I hope that the link works.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs#

Added by Mariposa on September 19, 2012 at 7:16am — 2 Comments

You Look Great They Say....So How Come I Feel Like SHIT?

I don't know why, but during the summer I had some weeks when I felt numb, or weeks when I actually felt okay. Yet, suddenly with Labor Day weekend, the feelings of grief have returned. Partly it is due to the fact it is a holiday weekend, as holiday weekends were usually the only time my departed workaholic husband would actually spend time with his family.  Partly it is due to the fact my husband did not live to see his son begin high school, did not live to help me buy our son his first…

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Added by Mariposa on September 18, 2012 at 11:05am — 8 Comments

ITS A GRIEF WAVE

Ever since last weekend, I am struggling not to drown in a sea of sorrow because I have been hit with a major wave of grief. It is funny how the mind tries to forget, but the heart will always remember.

I looked back at my journal from this time last year when I was in the midst of being my husband's caregiver and there were some difficult and painful things happening as he suffered from…

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Added by Mariposa on September 3, 2012 at 12:30pm — 4 Comments

STOP TELLING ME WHAT I SHOULD DO!!!

Yes, I am frustrated,so very frustrated with well meaning people that think they have all of the answers to my new life situation as a widow and single parent. My highest degree of frustration is towards my in-laws, especially because their well-intentioned advice is actually their way of trying to control me. I get emails and phone calls and I found myself biting my tongue so I don't curse them out, and I hold back from writing my true feelings in an email.  

Currently it is the…

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Added by Mariposa on July 17, 2012 at 11:35am — 8 Comments

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