Alycia E's Blog (11)

Pages full of words, pictures and descriptions. Some made you laugh. Some made you cry. Some made you shake in anger. But you put them there. You chose the way the pages were filled. Then you decided that all that effort weren't worth another moment of your time.



You slammed the book down and declared "The End"



You forgot that others were reading with you. You forgot that the pictures were cherished memories of a family. You forgot that the descriptions were foundations…

Dear Dan,

I said I wouldn’t write to you here again, but breaking promises doesn’t seem to be a big deal to you.

I drove to Texas this past week. The amount of pressure here was more than I could simply bear alone. Texas is home and my heart pulled me home for a moment. 10 hours on the road gave me plenty of time to reflect. I was walking around the house and everything around here is you. No matter what I looked at there was a memory. Some good. Some bad. I couldn’t stand the…

Folded Newspaper sits in my wallet. It has yet to yellow or become brittle, it's still too new.

I pull it out from time to time and read the very few lines that sum up my husband's life. It says his age, his occupation and where he died. The part that seems to burn and be written in bold is where it says who he left behind.

A few names. It seems so insignificant.

But all I see when I look at is a few names that weren't important enough to live for. To fight for.…

Found this old self portrait while I was trying to find a picture to describe how I feel right now.

First of all I am on no sleep. It’s been weeks since I can honestly say I have slept well and now I am on the “One Step” rule.

One step in front of the other, little movements forward…yet, I feel I get no where. I am exhausted with the effort of everything that seems to need to be done…

Dear Dan,

This will be my last note to you on my blog. I had a horrible night last night and felt the weight of the world on me.

That was then. This is now.

Now I will walk my own path. Alone. That’s how you wanted it, but I’m not truly alone.

I will do the very things that make me happy and make our children laugh.

I will watch Beaches and not brush away the tears for fear of being made fun of.

I will go to my friends and families houses, because…

In the wee hours is what gets me. I know I could phone a friend, but what on earth would I say? I know if I polled the audience they would just tell me to go back to bed...

Yet, in the wee hours is when I can't breathe. It's when the weight of the world sits squarely on my chest and dares me to get up and try to fight.

The wee hours is when I am scared, when there is no one there to hear my pain.

All this you left behind. So much to do.

Small things like my closet…

Dear Dan,

It’s only taken me 12 days to start breathing again. 12 days to get life back into some kind of resemblance of order. Well, OK…it’s not really in order (if never really was) but I’m not feeling like a tweaked out meth head. OK…lie again. Sometimes I am.

I got your medical bill yesterday from where they took you to the hospital. Looking at the charges, I will never doubt about the fact that they did everything to save you.

This is really going to piss you…

Dear Dan,

I got up at 4am because sleep just won't come to me anymore. Our family doctor gave me something to help me sleep, but medicine is not what I need right now. The girls are mostly sleeping fine. They wake often to murmur or cry in their sleep, but I am right there for them. Rubbing heads and soothing hearts. I promise them tomorrow will be a better day...because I will do everything I can to make it. They deserve to believe that it will get better each day. I need to believe…

Dear Dan,

Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. …