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Only1sue's Blog (141)

Reflecting as the journey changes.

I am four and a half years out from Ray's death.  I am still on the journey to find out who I am now and who I want to be.  I have just been on a train journey and that gave me a slow way of reflecting on my life. Am I who I think I am?  How do others see me?  I know wherever I go people like to talk to me and tell me their life stories so I  know I am a good listener.  On the trains coming and going to visit my friend people talked to me, they were comfortable telling me about their lives,…

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Added by only1sue on April 14, 2017 at 3:00pm — 4 Comments

Grieving pain and rain

Do you ever want a hug so much you ache for it?  That is where I am at this afternoon.  I have been to two funerals in two days, a consequence of being a pastoral care worker for my church.  It is not that I expect it to affect me personally - well I always tell myself that - but I really know it will and it does. I remember again my own mother dying and how I felt at her funeral as I watched the families grieve.  At the funeral today I read the 23rd Psalm, a part of what our church does is…

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Added by only1sue on March 29, 2017 at 10:00pm — 7 Comments

What do I want?

The rain is lashing down outside. It has been raining on and off for over a week now and I am really sick of it. It is not that it is cold, far from it as when the sun does come out it is quite humid but it is isolating. On Tuesday I went to a morning tea I go to once a week and for the first hour was the only person there other than the kitchen helper. I have not seen my usual “widow buddies” in the shopping centre as few people are coming out if they don't need to, not that I blame…

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Added by only1sue on March 17, 2017 at 2:54am — 2 Comments

A step out of my comfort zone

I am in my fifth year as a widow. I am to a certain extent “over it”. I am settled into a routine. I go out to coffee with other widows and occasionally a few couples from groups I belonged to while Ray was alive. I don't have much contact from his family. I do still talk to one sister-in-law occasionally. That's fine. At first I missed the contact but now I don't. I live in a sort of widow bubble, alone yet bumping into others, enough contact to keep me from feeling isolated yet not enough…

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Added by only1sue on February 17, 2017 at 7:00pm — 3 Comments

Time for some new decisions

What can I say, a month went by and I didn't have anything to write about, or maybe that should be nothing I wished to write about..  I dreaded the thought of Christmas but I did gather with the family at my daughter's house and it all went well.  It was good to see the little cousins interacting, good to have my son-in-law do all the preparations so my Christmas Day was relaxed but there was also a strong feeling that I wanted to be there as part of the old couple, Mum and Dad, Sue and Ray,…

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Added by only1sue on January 6, 2017 at 3:30am — 2 Comments

Mad and sad tonight

Mad as a hornet tonight. Just one of those days when the world conspires again me as a widow.  Nothing special just a whole lot of different people saying : "when we have the family over..." or "my husband and I always"  or just making a few disparaging remarks about their husbands wno they have left at home mowing the lawns etc.  I want my husband back, I want to be part of a couple, I want to be able to say "my husband a nd I"  or "guess what he did?"  I want to not feel left out of the…

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Added by only1sue on December 6, 2016 at 2:46am — 7 Comments

Climbing out of a Black Hole again

My six month relationship is over.  It was nice having someone to go out with on Wednesdays and Saturdays, I enjoyed the company, the meals out (we each paid our own way), the long conversations and the feeling that someone cared about me but regretfully my man friend found it "too complicated" and we agreed to stop.  So I still see him around the place as we shop in the same place and he still came to our church market today but that is all, we smile and stop and say a few sentences, then…

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Added by only1sue on November 25, 2016 at 10:30pm — 5 Comments

we all have our problems

We all have problems fitting into society.  I am lactose intolerant so no dairy of any kind and I am allergic to palm oil which means I can't eat anything with oils in unless I have read the label.  Last week I was invited to the neighbor's house on the right side of my house to help celebrate his Dad's birthday. There was a  lovely roast dinner with steamed vegetables and the sauce it was served with was separate so I could eat it all.  I dipped out on the dessert as I thought probably not…

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Added by only1sue on October 30, 2016 at 2:33am — 2 Comments

soon

All through my journey of 13 years with my husband with strokes and my last four years of my journey as a widow I keep hearing the word "soon". Soon is when everything is going to happen.  I will feel better soon...come to terms with it soon...get used to it soon...accept it soon.  This is all from people who of course have not been through any of these experiences that I have had, have not had a husband who has gone from a healthy, strong man to a man who can hardly walk, has some problems…

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Added by only1sue on October 7, 2016 at 4:30am — 4 Comments

Doing it in my own time

It is always good to pass an anniversary date.  I survived Father's Day (first Sunday in September for us) as I went out west and celebrated it with my younger son and he had his daughter for three days including Father's Day so that was good.  Ray's birthday also came and went, I was sad but didn't surrender to those sad feelings.  I am learning not to give in to sadness but to be brisk with myself and just move forward as best I can.  The anniversary of his death I spent with my daughter…

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Added by only1sue on September 24, 2016 at 5:00am — 2 Comments

No longer wanting to do the work of two

I have spent the day working outside on my garden, the weeds have taken over in what has been a wet winter and I needed to spend a few days doing it so today has just started the job.  I am 69 now and starting to feel the age as I spent a lot of time pulling weeds this afternoon and can feel those muscles tightening up.  I love my home but can see the days in it are numbered now and by this time next year I need to have made a decision whether to sell and move.I know there are a lot of older…

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Added by only1sue on September 12, 2016 at 5:00am — 2 Comments

Spring brings a lot of tasks to do

I realise I have been clinging to the past again. It seems to happen from time to time.  The past is a safe place to hide from the worries of the present. I think I have come to this conclusion because I go around with a person who is a great example of this and because of this she really has no joy in the present and no concept of a better future.  I didn't realise that clinging to the past made it…

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Added by only1sue on August 31, 2016 at 4:00am — 2 Comments

Colours of my life

I was recently reading a book about the colours in our life and I thought of my friendship as that soft yellow that reminds you of sunshine before the heat of the day, that delicate yellow that reminds you of the light filtered through the trees under which you read a book as a child. Old friendships are that soft sunset pink. I sit with my friends that are closer to ninety than to eighty who I have known for many years and see those sunlit days, the last few months and even years seem to…

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Added by only1sue on August 14, 2016 at 3:30pm — 1 Comment

We all have different views on widowhood

I met for lunch today with four women all of whom are widows.  We talked of many things finishing up with coping alone as a widow versus remarrying.  This came about because another widow of our acquaintance has just announced her engagement, she is in her 70s.  All but me said they would never remarry though one did say she is lonely despite all of her activities.  Activities seemed to be for all of us our main aim in life now.  The theory is: keep busy and the days will just fly by.  I do…

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Added by only1sue on July 20, 2016 at 9:30pm — 3 Comments

Aiming for more good days

I have been surprised by this winter, dark, rainy and cold it may have been but my social life is getting better, and some of my friends have been back in contact. Yesterday I had an overnight visit from my daughter and her family and we sat and watched old TV series from the 90s and talked about a lot of things.  The relationship there is getting better now and it seems as if we can talk about most things without too many subject changes.  Of course as time passes a lot of things lose their…

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Added by only1sue on July 9, 2016 at 5:31am — 2 Comments

Feeling the winter blues

 I did think that this season of my life would be so different but it is samey, different week, same activities.  But then that is the story of most of our lives isn't it? What can we do in a day to make that day different, to make it stand out from the rest?  To make it memorable? I don't know.  There is a sleepiness about winter that blankets our lives.  Nothing much happens, nothing good, and with a little luck nothing too bad.  Life drifts on from day to day, so I get up, do whatever is…

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Added by only1sue on June 28, 2016 at 3:30pm — 5 Comments

Does Time heal all wounds?

Life seemed simple when I was growing up, it was after the second World War.  My Dad came back from Prisoner-of-War camp and failed to settle back into the world that emerged from that period.  I guess today we would have called what he had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, we called it restlessness.Eventually we all emigrated to Australia and we started a new life. I went through school expecting to have a job for a while and then get married and that is what happened.  I expected to have…

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Added by only1sue on June 21, 2016 at 6:44am — 3 Comments

life is dull without your warm presence

Funny things you think about as a widow, still experiencing that loss after more than three and a half years. Like how good it was getting into bed and putting my feet on a warm husband.  My husband Ray was a diabetic and as such slept much warmer than I did. He used to yowl and complain and say:  "Get your cold feet off of me!" and I would just laugh and snuggle up to him,  Having a warm body to hug is so much better than an electric blanket or hot water bottle.  On a cold dark night when I…

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Added by only1sue on June 9, 2016 at 2:27am — 4 Comments

Viewing it all from a distance

I have just been to visit my son, the one who lives on the edge of a desert.  I always seem to see things different from there.  Where I live we have all the amenities of large coastal towns, where he lives life is tough and only the barest amenities exist.  Where I live most people are retired, seem financially comfortable and looking forward to the future, where he lives people are being retrenched and had to retire long before they were ready to do so. The whole of the small city which…

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Added by only1sue on May 19, 2016 at 12:47am — 3 Comments

Planning a non-boring life

What are you going to do when you retire?  That was the cry of the 90's as we all madly planned for that round Australia trip, the downsizing to a smaller house now most of the kids were gone or finally getting that brand new house we had promised ourselves when we retired.  None of those plans for me as I was finally working to save some of that money, busy starting our travelling again, a trip to England in 1994 and 1998 and in 1997 that big trip inland to do all the spots people had told…

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Added by only1sue on April 28, 2016 at 2:00pm — 5 Comments

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