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Only1sue's Blog (151)

Enforced leisure - still recovering

I was  told on Friday I may be able to drive at the end of next week, I am so looking forward to that, it is over a month now since I had the operation on my leg and graft and I have spent most of that time with my leg elevated.  Luckily I always have many meals frozen in advance in my freezer and friends have been kind and brought me fruit ( I can't eat chocolates...lol) so I haven't starved. The major frustration for me is that Spring is here and I can't get out into the garden to do all…

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Added by only1sue on September 24, 2017 at 4:52am — 5 Comments

Life sometimes changes fast

Life sometimes changes fast as all we widows and widowers know. I have just spent a week in hospital six out of seven days on bed rest. I had a spot that looked like a mole on my leg, behind my left knee.  Over the past couple of months it grew so I went to my doctor who then referred me to a Skin Cancer Clinic where it was removed under local anesthetic.  A week later I was in surgery in a major hospital having a further surgery this time an extra area to take a "good margin off" to ensure…

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Added by only1sue on September 7, 2017 at 9:59pm — 6 Comments

What the eyes don't see

My mother spent a lot of time growing up with an aunt, her mother's older sister.  The aunt spoke often in what we would call cliches or truisms and Mum used a lot of them herself.  Some I agreed with like :  "A stitch in time saves nine" how often did I wish I had mended the falling hem earlier, and "A watched pot never boils" so I had to learn to do something else while I waited for something to cook.  One I have trouble with today is: "What the eye don't see, the heart don't grieve."…

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Added by only1sue on August 21, 2017 at 6:43pm — No Comments

A week away does me good

I have been away for just over a week, I flew out to Broken Hill as the distance is too great to drive alone.  I stayed with one son and together we drove for seven hours to visit my other son and his family.  This is the only way I have managed to do that trip. I stayed with my younger son at a time when he had his daughter on access, we had a few fun days and then she got sick and we had two unhappy days with her.  That is life when you have a pre-schooler and he always says he loves her…

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Added by only1sue on August 1, 2017 at 8:26pm — 6 Comments

Trying to change my thinking again

Just saw a movie recently where it was obvious the older woman could not let go of the past and I could see how that was hindering her progress in life. I know  sometimes that is so me.  I want things to be the way they were at some point in my life long gone that I considered looking back was the ideal life.  If that can't happen I think I want my present life to be based on that.  Well guess what?  that is never going to happen. When Ray had the stroke in 1999 I was 43,  working part-time,…

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Added by only1sue on July 16, 2017 at 9:14pm — 2 Comments

That helpless feeling

I hate that helpless feeling that comes when something goes wrong in the family and I just know there is nothing I can do to alter what is happening.  I know if Ray were still alive that he would have a contribution to make in the present situation.  I know that on my own I will not jump into the car and go out and help, but if there were two of us that would happen.  This is when being a widow sucks, when you need two wise heads in a situation. So I consulted my daughter and she said:…

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Added by only1sue on June 26, 2017 at 12:46am — 2 Comments

Learning something from time with friends

Winter weather is cold and wet again, we need the rain for crops further up the valley and to refill the local water supply so not a lot of point in complaining, winter will pass in time and it will be Spring again.  I have been doing some of the needed outside work between rain periods so managed this afternoon to repot some of the bromeliads and weed some of the many pots around my back yard.  It is not what I want to do but provides a reason to get up each morning and gives me something…

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Added by only1sue on June 14, 2017 at 5:00am — 3 Comments

A box of wooden toys

We came to Australia when I was seven, a family of four as I had a younger sister who was four.  We didn't have much as we had lived in a rented house in England and got little for the furniture we sold.  But both Mum and Dad were determined to make a better life in Australia and they did.  It was very hard at first as they had no backup from family, my sister really got sick and some of what they had was spent on medical bills and my Mum couldn't find a job.  She took a job as a housekeeper…

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Added by only1sue on May 30, 2017 at 3:53pm — 4 Comments

Seven second hand roses

None of my children or grandchildren came to me for Mother's Day this year which was a bit sad.  I did get a phone call from each of my sons and daughter but no cards or presents this year.  It was my own fault as I offered to do the sermon at church on that day at both services so our two paid clergy could have their time with their families, first grandchild for one, three grandchildren visiting from another state for the other. Next year it will be my turn to have the day off. Now I am…

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Added by only1sue on May 18, 2017 at 11:02pm — 4 Comments

Reinventing Camelot

Each of us has a different place and time when we thought life was wonderful and life would go on like that forever.  For some it was the courtship, some the early marriage, some the space after the kids had flown and they were able to travel and do the things they had always wanted to do.  For Ray and I it was a period when our life was comfortable with the mortgage paid off, the house reasonably fit for the family we had brought back to our home town after ten and a half years away, all…

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Added by only1sue on May 3, 2017 at 3:15pm — 5 Comments

Reflecting as the journey changes.

I am four and a half years out from Ray's death.  I am still on the journey to find out who I am now and who I want to be.  I have just been on a train journey and that gave me a slow way of reflecting on my life. Am I who I think I am?  How do others see me?  I know wherever I go people like to talk to me and tell me their life stories so I  know I am a good listener.  On the trains coming and going to visit my friend people talked to me, they were comfortable telling me about their lives,…

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Added by only1sue on April 14, 2017 at 3:00pm — 4 Comments

Grieving pain and rain

Do you ever want a hug so much you ache for it?  That is where I am at this afternoon.  I have been to two funerals in two days, a consequence of being a pastoral care worker for my church.  It is not that I expect it to affect me personally - well I always tell myself that - but I really know it will and it does. I remember again my own mother dying and how I felt at her funeral as I watched the families grieve.  At the funeral today I read the 23rd Psalm, a part of what our church does is…

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Added by only1sue on March 29, 2017 at 10:00pm — 7 Comments

What do I want?

The rain is lashing down outside. It has been raining on and off for over a week now and I am really sick of it. It is not that it is cold, far from it as when the sun does come out it is quite humid but it is isolating. On Tuesday I went to a morning tea I go to once a week and for the first hour was the only person there other than the kitchen helper. I have not seen my usual “widow buddies” in the shopping centre as few people are coming out if they don't need to, not that I blame…

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Added by only1sue on March 17, 2017 at 2:54am — 2 Comments

A step out of my comfort zone

I am in my fifth year as a widow. I am to a certain extent “over it”. I am settled into a routine. I go out to coffee with other widows and occasionally a few couples from groups I belonged to while Ray was alive. I don't have much contact from his family. I do still talk to one sister-in-law occasionally. That's fine. At first I missed the contact but now I don't. I live in a sort of widow bubble, alone yet bumping into others, enough contact to keep me from feeling isolated yet not enough…

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Added by only1sue on February 17, 2017 at 7:00pm — 3 Comments

Time for some new decisions

What can I say, a month went by and I didn't have anything to write about, or maybe that should be nothing I wished to write about..  I dreaded the thought of Christmas but I did gather with the family at my daughter's house and it all went well.  It was good to see the little cousins interacting, good to have my son-in-law do all the preparations so my Christmas Day was relaxed but there was also a strong feeling that I wanted to be there as part of the old couple, Mum and Dad, Sue and Ray,…

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Added by only1sue on January 6, 2017 at 3:30am — 2 Comments

Mad and sad tonight

Mad as a hornet tonight. Just one of those days when the world conspires again me as a widow.  Nothing special just a whole lot of different people saying : "when we have the family over..." or "my husband and I always"  or just making a few disparaging remarks about their husbands wno they have left at home mowing the lawns etc.  I want my husband back, I want to be part of a couple, I want to be able to say "my husband a nd I"  or "guess what he did?"  I want to not feel left out of the…

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Added by only1sue on December 6, 2016 at 2:46am — 7 Comments

Climbing out of a Black Hole again

My six month relationship is over.  It was nice having someone to go out with on Wednesdays and Saturdays, I enjoyed the company, the meals out (we each paid our own way), the long conversations and the feeling that someone cared about me but regretfully my man friend found it "too complicated" and we agreed to stop.  So I still see him around the place as we shop in the same place and he still came to our church market today but that is all, we smile and stop and say a few sentences, then…

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Added by only1sue on November 25, 2016 at 10:30pm — 5 Comments

we all have our problems

We all have problems fitting into society.  I am lactose intolerant so no dairy of any kind and I am allergic to palm oil which means I can't eat anything with oils in unless I have read the label.  Last week I was invited to the neighbor's house on the right side of my house to help celebrate his Dad's birthday. There was a  lovely roast dinner with steamed vegetables and the sauce it was served with was separate so I could eat it all.  I dipped out on the dessert as I thought probably not…

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Added by only1sue on October 30, 2016 at 2:33am — 2 Comments

soon

All through my journey of 13 years with my husband with strokes and my last four years of my journey as a widow I keep hearing the word "soon". Soon is when everything is going to happen.  I will feel better soon...come to terms with it soon...get used to it soon...accept it soon.  This is all from people who of course have not been through any of these experiences that I have had, have not had a husband who has gone from a healthy, strong man to a man who can hardly walk, has some problems…

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Added by only1sue on October 7, 2016 at 4:30am — 3 Comments

Doing it in my own time

It is always good to pass an anniversary date.  I survived Father's Day (first Sunday in September for us) as I went out west and celebrated it with my younger son and he had his daughter for three days including Father's Day so that was good.  Ray's birthday also came and went, I was sad but didn't surrender to those sad feelings.  I am learning not to give in to sadness but to be brisk with myself and just move forward as best I can.  The anniversary of his death I spent with my daughter…

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Added by only1sue on September 24, 2016 at 5:00am — 2 Comments

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