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Only1sue's Blog (179)

In a holding pattern

Today was my birthday. It was unusually cold for the 4th of June with wild winds and heavy rain. I anticipated a nothing doing sort of day but decided to go and have coffee with the Muffin Break gang (mostly six to eight older folks) as I usually do and my daughter came and found me there. She said she had come to take me out to lunch which was lovely. She had checked my home and church first so third time lucky. She wanted her coming down to be a surprise and it was.

Tonight…

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Added by only1sue on June 4, 2019 at 4:51am — 7 Comments

More decisions I'd prefer not to make

Sometimes I want someone to put their arm across my shoulders, give me a squeeze and say : "You're okay mate, you're going to get through this and be better than ever." Unfortunately I don't have that person now and I have doubts about the " better than ever". I miss Ray so much, not the man he was necessarily when he died so much as the man he was in his middle years, that strong,  patient man who was my rock. That is the man who helped me bring up our kids. That was the man who didn't seem…

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Added by only1sue on March 29, 2019 at 6:27pm — 4 Comments

Tests, scans and needles

We all have our troubles. I had another test today, a needle biopsy on my thyroid. I had four tests the week before last, the interview with the melanoma specialist last week and next week is the other brain scan to look at the aneurysm. Guess there is nothing wrong with me that I don't know about now. But what use is all of this if there is nothing they can do about any of it? I find it all very frustrating. I have so many conditions that simply relate to either ageing or family medical…

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Added by only1sue on February 26, 2019 at 7:30pm — 5 Comments

Taking stock

Sometimes I am just plain lonely. I might do something in the morning, come home and do a few simple tasks, cook a meal and wham! there it is, the loneliness,it comes rolling in like a wave. It affects me more on Friday nights and Sunday nights, those were the debriefing times when Ray and I had good health. Friday nights we would discuss what we had done through the week and Sunday nights we would talk about what happened over the weekend. I was thinking about that tonight,  without  a…

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Added by only1sue on February 3, 2019 at 3:30am — 1 Comment

Finding a way forward

It's close to the end of the summer vacation, some time in the next week all my grandchildren go back to school apart from Chris who will start University at the end of February. All my normal  summer activities start the following week, the more formal church services, pastoral visiting, the Friday Coffee morning. It is decision time for me as I decide whether to continue the activities or change some of them. There is always pressure to continue but in the end it is my choice. It is a…

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Added by only1sue on January 23, 2019 at 8:06pm — 1 Comment

Another year to walk alone

Happy New Year everyone..... We have all heard that in the past few days and some of us have smiled and nodded and some of us have turned away. It is not a happy prospect for a lot of people, those recently bereaved, those on their own. I am lucky because I have my younger son and smallest granddaughter here for ten days so plenty to do and company for a while. So I can say : "Happy New Year" and smile. But when they go home  I will probably feel much the same as before but at least will…

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Added by only1sue on January 4, 2019 at 2:30am — 6 Comments

Six days till Christmas

I had a phone call yesterday from a woman who joined a Dementia group I belonged to in 2006. We have been in contact on a regular basis since then. She was widowed about 18 months ago so we have that in common too. She was worried about how empty her life feels in this time when "family togetherness" seems to be the theme of all the advertisements, TV programs etc. When are we going to stop this kind of thinking which is so isolating for the childless, the homeless, the widows and widowers…

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Added by only1sue on December 19, 2018 at 2:19am — 3 Comments

Accepting my scars

I need to accept my scars as being a part of me.  When I was learning to be a telephone counsellor for Lifeline, a suicide prevention telephone counselling service staffed by volunteers we had a lesson on being "real". One of the things our facilitator asked us to do was to stand in front of the mirror naked each morning for a week and say: " This is who I am and who I will be all day."  Boy was that a life lesson, nothing to cover up who we really are. I think it is time for me to do that…

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Added by only1sue on December 3, 2018 at 3:00am — 1 Comment

It's official, l'm a mermaid.

November is here, usually my busiest month of the year as it always includes a week in Broken Hill to help my younger son celebrate his birthday. That is still ahead of me. It also includes the beginning of the end-of-year events, as not everyone waits till December to start their Christmas parties. There is also the Lions Bunnings BBQs and the Lions Christmas raffle with my name on the roster. And all the planning for the leadup to Christmas both in the church and on the home front.…

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Added by only1sue on November 4, 2018 at 7:01pm — 5 Comments

Loss

 Almost three weeks ago I lost a man whom has been important in my life. He was  the man  I went out with in 2016.We had an argument and didn't see each other for some months but we moved in the same circles so decided that a cup of coffee in the shopping centre was okay maybe once a week. From there we built a strong friendship, resumed a meet up once a month at a couple of markets and generally supported each other. For that reason I have visited the hospital and helped his family work…

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Added by only1sue on October 8, 2018 at 12:59am — 3 Comments

Six years

What has changed, what is still the same after six years? I still live in the same house with very few changes. I have changed the white goods as age took it's toll on them so new refrigerator, new freezer, soon to be new washing machine. I drive the same car, but that too needs changing. I think the biggest changes have been forced on me by my own health problems and probably the ageing process. I know now I could never keep up with all the things I could fit into a day six years ago. And…

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Added by only1sue on September 25, 2018 at 4:13pm — 1 Comment

Taking a new focus

There is always something new to worry about.  The news from the neurosurgeon was not good. The aneurysm is not operable so I live with it. I know that if I have a sharp pain in my  head I have to ring an emergency ambulance. If  I am driving I pull off the road and if I have time ring the ambulance. Sounds so simple doesn't it? Well that is one problem I hope not to face. In the meantime I am not to worry (easier said than done) and go on with my life. The good news from the appointment…

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Added by only1sue on September 16, 2018 at 3:34am — 1 Comment

Sometimes my life goes blank

I am busy most of the time, it is a deliberate strategy on my part. I was in the shops today and suddenly I urgently wanted to go home. I recall my Ray doing that as part of his dementia so I hope it is not like that. It is like a sudden onset of overwhelming tiredness. A sudden  thought that I have finished wanting to be where l am. Sometimes I give in to the feeling and head home and sometimes I try to to stay a while longer, tough it out. Going home is only a ten minute drive from where I…

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Added by only1sue on September 1, 2018 at 10:14am — 1 Comment

Where is my extended family now?

I am lonely, no getting over that fact. I can be out among people all day but I come home to an empty house. After almost six years I am still not used to that. Sometimes when  I am sittting here on a cold winter's night when there is nothing worth watching on the television, when I've finished my latest book and become bored with handcraft, I can find myself with too much time to think. Tonight is one of those nights. So I thought about family life, how it was when we were first married, as…

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Added by only1sue on August 13, 2018 at 5:30am — 3 Comments

Thanks for the memories of 50 years

50 years ago yesterday Ray and I got married. It was a warm day for winter as today was and we got married at my local church and went to an old dance hall nearer to his family's home where family and friends had gathered for a fancy supper and some dancing. A work colleague describd it as a "real hillbilly wedding" and it certainly wasn't formal and with the dancing to a three piece band it was quite an energetic affair. My Mum and mother-in-law handled the catering to the satisfaction of…

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Added by only1sue on July 28, 2018 at 1:00am — 6 Comments

Life in a tunnel

Yesterday I had my PET scan, 25 minutes in a small plastic tunnel. This was my second so not as scary as the first. Laying there with my eyes shut is an agonizing exercise for me so I use visualisation as a method of coping. This time I used our three years in a small coastal town, trying to remember the neighborhood, the routine with our children in the little school down the road, the way of life we had in that place. We had some good times there so it was a pleasant experience for me,…

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Added by only1sue on July 4, 2018 at 3:30pm — 2 Comments

Nobody loves me

Nobody loves me. I don't mean nobody cares about me, I am sure my family does and maybe a few special friends but nobody LOVES me. I am not the centre of anyone's world. I am not needed by someone, I am not someone's main concern. I know it doesn't make sense that I am crying for that reason but I am. I am crying because I see couples all the time sitting together, shopping together, talking together and I am envious. I want to be part of that kind of world. I don't want to be part of that…

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Added by only1sue on June 28, 2018 at 12:30am — 9 Comments

Feelings old and new

I seem to have been busy in the past few weeks. I went to my son's in Broken Hill for a week as planned. The wrap on my thigh in addition to the stocking worked well on the flights. The extra padding did feel as if I was wearing part of a suit of armour. As it is regional airline and a small plane with narrow steps I did  have some trouble with getting off tne plane but that was really the only problem with flying. Negotiating the local transport and the airport was no trouble as I have…

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Added by only1sue on June 15, 2018 at 5:40am — 1 Comment

A week after Mother's Day

I was alone for Mother's Day but did get the texts from my sons and a phone call from my daughter and spoke to both of her children so I was okay. Ray never made much of Mother's Day , I was the one who bought the presents for us all and nice cards for our Mums so my boys followed him in that. Boys need a good example to be set for them.  It was one of his failings I guess that he didn't see the example he was setting.  He always said he showed he cared by the way he worked for us not by the…

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Added by only1sue on May 17, 2018 at 2:00am — 5 Comments

Doing better now

I read some of my blogs and it is obvious that I am not coping, sometimes I am a l little down, perhaps a bit sad and fragile. Well not this week. I have a six day visit from my younger son and his daughter,  my youngest grand daughter and the place was noisy, sometimes joyful, sometimes full of the drama five year olds generate. Never a dull moment. Plenty of activity, we visited four beaches in five days ( one day off because of rain) and as she lives in a dry town on the edge of the…

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Added by only1sue on April 20, 2018 at 5:30am — 2 Comments

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