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Only1sue's Blog (164)

Life in a tunnel

Yesterday I had my PET scan, 25 minutes in a small plastic tunnel. This was my second so not as scary as the first. Laying there with my eyes shut is an agonizing exercise for me so I use visualisation as a method of coping. This time I used our three years in a small coastal town, trying to remember the neighborhood, the routine with our children in the little school down the road, the way of life we had in that place. We had some good times there so it was a pleasant experience for me,…

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Added by only1sue on July 4, 2018 at 3:30pm — 2 Comments

Nobody loves me

Nobody loves me. I don't mean nobody cares about me, I am sure my family does and maybe a few special friends but nobody LOVES me. I am not the centre of anyone's world. I am not needed by someone, I am not someone's main concern. I know it doesn't make sense that I am crying for that reason but I am. I am crying because I see couples all the time sitting together, shopping together, talking together and I am envious. I want to be part of that kind of world. I don't want to be part of that…

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Added by only1sue on June 28, 2018 at 12:30am — 3 Comments

Feelings old and new

I seem to have been busy in the past few weeks. I went to my son's in Broken Hill for a week as planned. The wrap on my thigh in addition to the stocking worked well on the flights. The extra padding did feel as if I was wearing part of a suit of armour. As it is regional airline and a small plane with narrow steps I did  have some trouble with getting off tne plane but that was really the only problem with flying. Negotiating the local transport and the airport was no trouble as I have…

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Added by only1sue on June 15, 2018 at 5:40am — 1 Comment

A week after Mother's Day

I was alone for Mother's Day but did get the texts from my sons and a phone call from my daughter and spoke to both of her children so I was okay. Ray never made much of Mother's Day , I was the one who bought the presents for us all and nice cards for our Mums so my boys followed him in that. Boys need a good example to be set for them.  It was one of his failings I guess that he didn't see the example he was setting.  He always said he showed he cared by the way he worked for us not by the…

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Added by only1sue on May 17, 2018 at 2:00am — 5 Comments

Doing better now

I read some of my blogs and it is obvious that I am not coping, sometimes I am a l little down, perhaps a bit sad and fragile. Well not this week. I have a six day visit from my younger son and his daughter,  my youngest grand daughter and the place was noisy, sometimes joyful, sometimes full of the drama five year olds generate. Never a dull moment. Plenty of activity, we visited four beaches in five days ( one day off because of rain) and as she lives in a dry town on the edge of the…

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Added by only1sue on April 20, 2018 at 5:30am — 2 Comments

Lonely in a crowd

Today is Easter Saturday, fine and mild with an overcast sky first thing this morning though it has warmed up since then. Easter is another one of those family times so friends ask the widow: " Will you see your family over the weekend?" And the widow smiles and says nothing because what is there to say? Long gone are the days when the kids rang me to see what I was doing for the weekend. We had that when their Dad as alive but not now. Being Mum and Dad seems to be treated differently to…

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Added by only1sue on March 30, 2018 at 9:52pm — 7 Comments

Is it over yet?

Anyone who knows me well knows that patience is not one of my better known virtues. I can be really patient with small  children and old ladies but sometimes the rest of the world annoys me. I have just completed the first four weeks of my recovery from the lymph node dissection. I have had two other hospitalisations and two other procedures, this has of course extended the time it will take to heal. In my right mind I know that - extra complication equals extra time. Simple. But my inner…

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Added by only1sue on March 19, 2018 at 10:00pm — 3 Comments

Going to be a long journey to recovery

I had the operation on the 20th, the wounds were very painful so I stayed in hospital for five days. I came home last Sunday. My daughter stayed till Tuesday lunchtime so today was my first day on my own. It has been a struggle to get through the day. I am still weak and with the drains and "handbag" to carry everywhere housework is a nightmare. I keep telling myself it is only for four weeks but that doesn't seem to help. I do have a housekeeping service coming a couple of hours a week so…

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Added by only1sue on February 28, 2018 at 3:00am — 7 Comments

Two days before the operation

The waiting is almost over, it seems a long time since it was mentioned and in two days time  the operation will be over. I have just carried on with my usual routine, no sense in doing one of those "bucket list" gestures. I am somewhat of a fatalist so figure it will work out well and if it doesn't then I will have to learn to cope. Since all the tests and xrays started I have heard some very inspiring stories so know I am walking in giant's footsteps.

Friends have offered…

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Added by only1sue on February 17, 2018 at 10:00pm — 3 Comments

Waiting forever

Summer is full on today, hot dry and windy. Going outside for any period is not recommended. On days like this l feel lethargic. What to do? Reading, watching old movies, trying to keep cool.Sometimes it seems as if I just fill in my time.  It is a feature of life for me this summer. Once it would have been a day by the Lake with a picnic basket, or somewhere near  water  but somehow that is not as much fun on my own. I can see how easy it is to become isolated.

To avoid isolation I…

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Added by only1sue on January 21, 2018 at 9:56pm — 4 Comments

Alone again, naturally

I am alone tonight, New Year's Eve.  Just had a phone call from my younger son and a text from my daughter, so not forgotten by my family.  I guess I should expect this now with no-one special in my life. I wasn't invited to a party or to join any of the families, I did have Christmas with family so that was our special family time . I am okay with my own company now so I should not complain.

My review to follow up the melanoma operation is next Thursday so I am remembering that…

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Added by only1sue on December 31, 2017 at 3:30am — 1 Comment

After Christmas blues

Christmas is over, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day holds no excitement for me. I have always felt that way. I have enjoyed Christmas this year, within it"s limits. I guess I will always yearn for what was the norm way back when we were still a functioning family, food, fun and family. I miss Ray, even when he was really sick he was still here, interacting with the kids and grandkids. Of course the grandchildren hardly remember those days now, five years is a long time in their  young…

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Added by only1sue on December 26, 2017 at 12:30pm — 1 Comment

Christmas is coming

Christmas is coming, time goes faster from now on.  My plan is to go to my daughter again this year from Christmas Eve. This means missing out on some of my old activities but  I can't really think of anything else to do. Some of my friends go on cruises, take advantage of offers from friends or simply plan to spend the day alone but I don't really like any of those options. In the past five years I have spent Christmas with my family with the exception of one year when the family could not…

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Added by only1sue on December 9, 2017 at 9:05pm — 2 Comments

Enforced leisure - still recovering

I was  told on Friday I may be able to drive at the end of next week, I am so looking forward to that, it is over a month now since I had the operation on my leg and graft and I have spent most of that time with my leg elevated.  Luckily I always have many meals frozen in advance in my freezer and friends have been kind and brought me fruit ( I can't eat chocolates...lol) so I haven't starved. The major frustration for me is that Spring is here and I can't get out into the garden to do all…

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Added by only1sue on September 24, 2017 at 4:52am — 5 Comments

Life sometimes changes fast

Life sometimes changes fast as all we widows and widowers know. I have just spent a week in hospital six out of seven days on bed rest. I had a spot that looked like a mole on my leg, behind my left knee.  Over the past couple of months it grew so I went to my doctor who then referred me to a Skin Cancer Clinic where it was removed under local anesthetic.  A week later I was in surgery in a major hospital having a further surgery this time an extra area to take a "good margin off" to ensure…

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Added by only1sue on September 7, 2017 at 9:59pm — 6 Comments

What the eyes don't see

My mother spent a lot of time growing up with an aunt, her mother's older sister.  The aunt spoke often in what we would call cliches or truisms and Mum used a lot of them herself.  Some I agreed with like :  "A stitch in time saves nine" how often did I wish I had mended the falling hem earlier, and "A watched pot never boils" so I had to learn to do something else while I waited for something to cook.  One I have trouble with today is: "What the eye don't see, the heart don't grieve."…

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Added by only1sue on August 21, 2017 at 6:43pm — No Comments

A week away does me good

I have been away for just over a week, I flew out to Broken Hill as the distance is too great to drive alone.  I stayed with one son and together we drove for seven hours to visit my other son and his family.  This is the only way I have managed to do that trip. I stayed with my younger son at a time when he had his daughter on access, we had a few fun days and then she got sick and we had two unhappy days with her.  That is life when you have a pre-schooler and he always says he loves her…

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Added by only1sue on August 1, 2017 at 8:26pm — 6 Comments

Trying to change my thinking again

Just saw a movie recently where it was obvious the older woman could not let go of the past and I could see how that was hindering her progress in life. I know  sometimes that is so me.  I want things to be the way they were at some point in my life long gone that I considered looking back was the ideal life.  If that can't happen I think I want my present life to be based on that.  Well guess what?  that is never going to happen. When Ray had the stroke in 1999 I was 43,  working part-time,…

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Added by only1sue on July 16, 2017 at 9:14pm — 3 Comments

That helpless feeling

I hate that helpless feeling that comes when something goes wrong in the family and I just know there is nothing I can do to alter what is happening.  I know if Ray were still alive that he would have a contribution to make in the present situation.  I know that on my own I will not jump into the car and go out and help, but if there were two of us that would happen.  This is when being a widow sucks, when you need two wise heads in a situation. So I consulted my daughter and she said:…

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Added by only1sue on June 26, 2017 at 12:46am — 2 Comments

Learning something from time with friends

Winter weather is cold and wet again, we need the rain for crops further up the valley and to refill the local water supply so not a lot of point in complaining, winter will pass in time and it will be Spring again.  I have been doing some of the needed outside work between rain periods so managed this afternoon to repot some of the bromeliads and weed some of the many pots around my back yard.  It is not what I want to do but provides a reason to get up each morning and gives me something…

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Added by only1sue on June 14, 2017 at 5:00am — 3 Comments

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