I need to accept my scars as being a part of me. When I was learning to be a telephone counsellor for Lifeline, a suicide prevention telephone counselling service staffed by volunteers we had a lesson on being "real". One of the things our facilitator asked us to do was to stand in front of the mirror naked each morning for a week and say: " This is who I am and who I will be all day." Boy was that a life lesson, nothing to cover up who we really are. I think it is time for me to do that…Continue
Added by only1sue on December 3, 2018 at 3:00am — No Comments
November is here, usually my busiest month of the year as it always includes a week in Broken Hill to help my younger son celebrate his birthday. That is still ahead of me. It also includes the beginning of the end-of-year events, as not everyone waits till December to start their Christmas parties. There is also the Lions Bunnings BBQs and the Lions Christmas raffle with my name on the roster. And all the planning for the leadup to Christmas both in the church and on the home front.…Continue
Almost three weeks ago I lost a man whom has been important in my life. He was the man I went out with in 2016.We had an argument and didn't see each other for some months but we moved in the same circles so decided that a cup of coffee in the shopping centre was okay maybe once a week. From there we built a strong friendship, resumed a meet up once a month at a couple of markets and generally supported each other. For that reason I have visited the hospital and helped his family work…Continue
What has changed, what is still the same after six years? I still live in the same house with very few changes. I have changed the white goods as age took it's toll on them so new refrigerator, new freezer, soon to be new washing machine. I drive the same car, but that too needs changing. I think the biggest changes have been forced on me by my own health problems and probably the ageing process. I know now I could never keep up with all the things I could fit into a day six years ago. And…Continue
There is always something new to worry about. The news from the neurosurgeon was not good. The aneurysm is not operable so I live with it. I know that if I have a sharp pain in my head I have to ring an emergency ambulance. If I am driving I pull off the road and if I have time ring the ambulance. Sounds so simple doesn't it? Well that is one problem I hope not to face. In the meantime I am not to worry (easier said than done) and go on with my life. The good news from the appointment…Continue
I am busy most of the time, it is a deliberate strategy on my part. I was in the shops today and suddenly I urgently wanted to go home. I recall my Ray doing that as part of his dementia so I hope it is not like that. It is like a sudden onset of overwhelming tiredness. A sudden thought that I have finished wanting to be where l am. Sometimes I give in to the feeling and head home and sometimes I try to to stay a while longer, tough it out. Going home is only a ten minute drive from where I…Continue
I am lonely, no getting over that fact. I can be out among people all day but I come home to an empty house. After almost six years I am still not used to that. Sometimes when I am sittting here on a cold winter's night when there is nothing worth watching on the television, when I've finished my latest book and become bored with handcraft, I can find myself with too much time to think. Tonight is one of those nights. So I thought about family life, how it was when we were first married, as…Continue
50 years ago yesterday Ray and I got married. It was a warm day for winter as today was and we got married at my local church and went to an old dance hall nearer to his family's home where family and friends had gathered for a fancy supper and some dancing. A work colleague describd it as a "real hillbilly wedding" and it certainly wasn't formal and with the dancing to a three piece band it was quite an energetic affair. My Mum and mother-in-law handled the catering to the satisfaction of…Continue
Yesterday I had my PET scan, 25 minutes in a small plastic tunnel. This was my second so not as scary as the first. Laying there with my eyes shut is an agonizing exercise for me so I use visualisation as a method of coping. This time I used our three years in a small coastal town, trying to remember the neighborhood, the routine with our children in the little school down the road, the way of life we had in that place. We had some good times there so it was a pleasant experience for me,…Continue
Nobody loves me. I don't mean nobody cares about me, I am sure my family does and maybe a few special friends but nobody LOVES me. I am not the centre of anyone's world. I am not needed by someone, I am not someone's main concern. I know it doesn't make sense that I am crying for that reason but I am. I am crying because I see couples all the time sitting together, shopping together, talking together and I am envious. I want to be part of that kind of world. I don't want to be part of that…Continue
I seem to have been busy in the past few weeks. I went to my son's in Broken Hill for a week as planned. The wrap on my thigh in addition to the stocking worked well on the flights. The extra padding did feel as if I was wearing part of a suit of armour. As it is regional airline and a small plane with narrow steps I did have some trouble with getting off tne plane but that was really the only problem with flying. Negotiating the local transport and the airport was no trouble as I have…Continue
I was alone for Mother's Day but did get the texts from my sons and a phone call from my daughter and spoke to both of her children so I was okay. Ray never made much of Mother's Day , I was the one who bought the presents for us all and nice cards for our Mums so my boys followed him in that. Boys need a good example to be set for them. It was one of his failings I guess that he didn't see the example he was setting. He always said he showed he cared by the way he worked for us not by the…Continue
I read some of my blogs and it is obvious that I am not coping, sometimes I am a l little down, perhaps a bit sad and fragile. Well not this week. I have a six day visit from my younger son and his daughter, my youngest grand daughter and the place was noisy, sometimes joyful, sometimes full of the drama five year olds generate. Never a dull moment. Plenty of activity, we visited four beaches in five days ( one day off because of rain) and as she lives in a dry town on the edge of the…Continue
Today is Easter Saturday, fine and mild with an overcast sky first thing this morning though it has warmed up since then. Easter is another one of those family times so friends ask the widow: " Will you see your family over the weekend?" And the widow smiles and says nothing because what is there to say? Long gone are the days when the kids rang me to see what I was doing for the weekend. We had that when their Dad as alive but not now. Being Mum and Dad seems to be treated differently to…Continue
Anyone who knows me well knows that patience is not one of my better known virtues. I can be really patient with small children and old ladies but sometimes the rest of the world annoys me. I have just completed the first four weeks of my recovery from the lymph node dissection. I have had two other hospitalisations and two other procedures, this has of course extended the time it will take to heal. In my right mind I know that - extra complication equals extra time. Simple. But my inner…Continue
I had the operation on the 20th, the wounds were very painful so I stayed in hospital for five days. I came home last Sunday. My daughter stayed till Tuesday lunchtime so today was my first day on my own. It has been a struggle to get through the day. I am still weak and with the drains and "handbag" to carry everywhere housework is a nightmare. I keep telling myself it is only for four weeks but that doesn't seem to help. I do have a housekeeping service coming a couple of hours a week so…Continue
The waiting is almost over, it seems a long time since it was mentioned and in two days time the operation will be over. I have just carried on with my usual routine, no sense in doing one of those "bucket list" gestures. I am somewhat of a fatalist so figure it will work out well and if it doesn't then I will have to learn to cope. Since all the tests and xrays started I have heard some very inspiring stories so know I am walking in giant's footsteps.
Friends have offered…Continue
Summer is full on today, hot dry and windy. Going outside for any period is not recommended. On days like this l feel lethargic. What to do? Reading, watching old movies, trying to keep cool.Sometimes it seems as if I just fill in my time. It is a feature of life for me this summer. Once it would have been a day by the Lake with a picnic basket, or somewhere near water but somehow that is not as much fun on my own. I can see how easy it is to become isolated.
To avoid isolation I…Continue
I am alone tonight, New Year's Eve. Just had a phone call from my younger son and a text from my daughter, so not forgotten by my family. I guess I should expect this now with no-one special in my life. I wasn't invited to a party or to join any of the families, I did have Christmas with family so that was our special family time . I am okay with my own company now so I should not complain.
My review to follow up the melanoma operation is next Thursday so I am remembering that…Continue
Christmas is over, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day holds no excitement for me. I have always felt that way. I have enjoyed Christmas this year, within it"s limits. I guess I will always yearn for what was the norm way back when we were still a functioning family, food, fun and family. I miss Ray, even when he was really sick he was still here, interacting with the kids and grandkids. Of course the grandchildren hardly remember those days now, five years is a long time in their young…Continue