I can’t believe it has been a year since I last saw his face, held him, and hugged him in that way that always made me feel so loved. When I buried my face in his neck, almost every day, I knew that he loved me and I loved him. We had a special relationship, and it is still hard to imagine that it is gone.Continue
Ten years ago today, I married the love of my life.…Continue
It’s been eight months today since I lost my soulmate. I still miss everything about him – his smile, his jokes, his hugs, and more… And still, somehow, I have managed to live on this planet eight months without him. I feel sad that I haven’t seen him in eight months, and believe it or…Continue
Grief is ever present in my life. It has defined my existence since September 16 of last year. Every moment of every day, I am reminded of the great absence that holds me hostage. Sometimes it is a black, heavy cloud of despair that envelops me, other times it is a lighter, more distant ripple…Continue
I still wake up and feel like I’m stuck in the wrong timeline, like a Star Trek episode. Something isn’t right about this timeline, and I have to find my way back to the “right” timeline so history will go on the way it is supposed to go. In Star Trek, the character refuses to accept the new timeline, even when…Continue
Can I ever go camping again? I love to camp. That is, I loved to camp. Before. Now, I don’t know if I still love to camp. I always went with Alan, and part of what made camping fun was to be with him. I don’t know if I still love to camp. For now, I know it will just be too hard, so I am selling our camper. …Continue
It has been six months since Alan died. I’m wondering when do I get to be happy again? When does life regain its color and meaning? I’m doing the little things and checking things off my do-do list every day, which has its degree of satisfaction. Sometimes I even do something fun. But even the fun activities don’t mean the same to me anymore. I can’t share them with Alan. I take him with me in my heart but it’s not the same. It still hurts terribly that I can’t share the fun times with…Continue
It’s been five months since I have seen you, and I feel like I am starting to forget. Even though remembering hurts, it hurts even worse to forget. When I dream about you, it is sometimes not your face I see, even though I know it’s you. How can that be? Where is your face when I need it so much?…Continue
11 years ago I was in the grocery store and on a whim, bought a little valentine stuffed animal for a man I had been running into at my kids' school and talking to. He had asked me out but I said it was too early (I was still going through a divorce). We talked on the phone a couple of times, and then when I saw all…Continue
When I met you, I didn’t believe in love. I thought love was something that blinds people to reality and gets them in trouble. I was certain I would never find that magical love I had dreamed about when I was youthful and idealistic, because that love didn’t exist. And then I met you.
I didn’t want a relationship. I wanted to be free from attachments and the pain of failed…Continue
The year 2016 is widely reviled as the year that took many famous people like David Bowie, Prince, Gene Wilder, and Carrie Fisher. But to me 2016 will always be the year that took my beloved husband from me and cheated me out of many happy years together. He wasn’t famous, but he was the light of my…Continue
Oh how I hate answering that question. There are no easy answers. People usually want to hear the usual, “I’m fine,” and move on to other topics. But I’m not fine. Life is NOT fine. How do I say that 3 months after my husband died, I still spend time nearly each day curled up in a ball on the floor? How do I say that I don’t see how I can go on?…Continue
The one thing about death is that it is final. There’s no going back, as much as I wish it were possible. No amount of wishing has yet brought Alan back. I keep trying, though. But I think I’m stuck with this unhappy reality, as much as I don’t like it.
But what does…Continue
(No it’s not a Willie Nelson song)
I don’t think I understood the struggles of widows until now. I never understood it when someone said, “I don’t know how to live without him.” My judgmental mind seemed to think that this was a person that lacked independence. Did they not know how to pay the bills, or cook, or whatever, without their spouse? But this was before. And I apologize, right now, for thinking that about anyone.…Continue
How can I put away the evidence of our life together? How can I erase Alan’s life from my home? Of course, I can’t, but I almost feel like that’s what I’m trying to do when I went through some of his things yesterday. I couldn’t get rid of anything, so I put it in the attic. The process isn’t even close to finished, but I know it is something I have to do. I definitely have mixed feelings about it.…Continue
This is Valentine the dog. He is special to me because he was an important part of starting my relationship with Alan.
In late 2005, Alan saw me at school as we were both picking up our kids after work and asked me out. I said I was interested but it was too early, since I was still working through a…Continue
A little over a month ago, on September 16, my life changed forever. My husband and I were on a camping trip in the Smokey Mountains. He suffered a heart attack and died on a Friday evening, as we were getting ready to sleep in our pop-up trailer.
I have been in shock ever since. We had only been…Continue