Edswife(Paula)'s Blog (12)

I feel like a totally different person than I was with Ed. I'm still surprised I'm still here and have no idea how I got here. I started dating someone. We've been seeing each other for about a month now. He is very sweet and understanding. I have moments of feeling so guilty for being with him, for being happy, for not thinking of Ed at every waking moment. Does that get better? Or do I just need to get used to this feeling? I'm not as lonely as I have been, but I still feel out of place. I… Continue

I feel like I've had a setback.  I'm finally in my own place again, working again, the stress of the move and finding a job are behind me now.  Now I'm left with... what?  With just trying to just BE I guess.  Now I have nothing else to focus on but living.  For the last few months I"ve been so focused on getting a job and moving into my own place that I don't think I've given enought energy towards greiving.  I am greiving of cource, but have not been activly moving through the greif like I…

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What I have learned in 8 months of going through the worst Hell anyone can imagine. First of all I'm surprised I am even still here and somehow moving through this. I can’t tell you how many times I have wished it was me and not him, or wished I had known that Morning the outcome of that day.  Known somehow to spend a little more time with him, to not have missed his last call to me.  I still think about the what if’s and the if only’s.  It’s just too hard not to.  I try not to spend too…

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Monday morning will bring changes for me yet again.  I will be moving out of my parents house and in with my sister.  Still not where I want to be, but I guess it feels like one step closer to being on my own again.  Will be working again soon and my goal is to be in my own place within a month or so.  I still just can't believe this is happening.  Is this really my life now?  I guess so.  It sucks.  Everything sucks.  I'm tired of it all.  I just want to be done with this somehow.  I guess…

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I'm normally a very private person, but feel I need to share this. The whispers behind my back, and questions of "are you ok?" to which i have wanted to scream "NO, I AM NOT OK!!!" have pretty much stopped now. Like I am expected to suddenly be fine again, back to normal. But I am no longer the same person, and can never go back to "normal". It's been almost 6 months now, I feel so alone. Even with being around others, I still feel alone. For the most part family and friends have stopped… Continue

I haven't written here in a while. I have had some very dark days these last few weeks. Just trying to figure out how to live, and what to do. Still staying with my parents for now till I find a new job. Took off my wedding ring last week. Maybe that's why my mood has been worse... I notice it constantly that it's not on my finger. I hate not wearing it, but it just doesn't feel right anymore. I used to always get mad at him when he took his off...now neither of us is wearing it. I still wear… Continue

So today I am officially moved into my parents house.  I have left "our house" behind, and feel very uneasy and sad about that.  Closing the door to our house for the last time was SOOO hard!  Just knowing I will never be back there, and neither will he. It has to be the hardest thing I have had to do since the funeral. We both loved that house, it was just perfect for us both.  Now I have to figure out what to do now.  I have quit my job, and moved out of state to come back to the house I…

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In a few short hours it will have been 3 months ago that I lost my love, my world, my everything.  I wish so much I could just go back in time and do something to change the events of that night. First of all I would have spent more time with him that morning when I was leaving for work and he was getting ready to go to bed ( he worked nights).  He asked me to stay longer and "not to worry so much about being late for work"... Of cource I hate being late, so I rushed off anyway.  We did say…

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You were right there in front of me, with that hansome smile.  Right there, like nothing happened.  I reached out and touched your face.  You came into the restaurante and sat down next to me and grabbed a slice of pizza.  Then we started to argue about what happened, I said your dead, you said you had gotten lost on the way home that night.  I said  why didn't you call???!!, you said you tried, forgot the number, was trying to reach me.  Then you said lets go home, I said no, you can't come…

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I find myself thinking about all the things he will never get to do.  He will never get to sleep in on a Saturday, feel the sun on his face again, eat his favorite meal again (Chicken Parm), or hit another jackpot (loved video poker), and most of all he will never get to be a father.  That just seems so unfair.  He was only 36.  He should be able to live his dream together with me.  Instead he is gone, and I am left to try to figure out what my dream even is.  I feel like I don't even have…

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Where are you Honey??? I keep tring to figure that out.  I am not an overly reigious person, but I do belive in God.  Are you with God now?  Or are you just gone, not exiing at all anymore.  I wish I knew.  I wish I knew that you are at peace, not in pain, having no regrets, not worrying about me, and most of all that you are happy.  That's all I ever wanted for you, to be happy.  OH if I could trade places with you right now.... You would be much better at this, much better at everythign…

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I am just so sad today.  I look around the house, and his things are mostly put away now. The TV is not blarring, there are no crumbs on the counter or dirty socks on the floor (next to the hamper).  No evidence  that he was here.  Things are where I left them.  It's like he is being errased from my life.  Yet my body is in so much physical and emotional pain. I don't know how I'm supposed to get through the next hour or even the next day.  Work today was so hard, I could't even concentrate…

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