Suz's Blog (12)

Please think of me tomorrow. I am reading a poem in front of all the medical staff Grand Rounds at Jud's hospital. It will be the first time I have been in the hospital since Jud died. I also remember when Jud did a beautiful rounds there with his doctor called, "The Doctor as Patient." I hope I can get through without crying and do a decent job to honor Jud. I am scared. I also hope I can sleep and my teeth don't hurt tomorrow!

The poem I will read is called, "The Summer Day" by Mary…

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of Jud's death. It doesn't seem possible that a whole year had gone by. It has been the hardest year of my life. I have shed a lot of tears and felt like I have carried a huge lump of sadness in my chest on many days. I also feel that I have been so fortunate to have such a loving group of friends, daughter and son-in-law to be.  Tomorrow night, one of our friends is having a little gathering to eat together and remember Jud. I spent the day finishing my…

I found this in a file on my computer today, placed there by Jud. It was dated two months before he died. It gave me some insight into what he must be thinking. At this point in time, he had been through four clinical trials and the cancer had spread. He had just come home, knowing he was dying. 

It may be that when we no longer know what to do

we have come to our real work,

and that when we no longer know which way to go

we have come to our…

I was going through a group of poems that I have kept and this seemed to fit what we do for each other and ourselves here on the board...

HOPE



Our mission is to plant ourselves at the gates of Hope—

not the prudent gates of Optimism,

which are somewhat narrower;

not the stalwart, boring gates of Common Sense;

nor the strident gates of Self-Righteousness,

which creak on shrill and angry hinges

(people cannot hear us there;

they…

I am so thrilled! I have been waiting and waiting for this event for ages, it seems. Ashton and she make a very nice couple. He is kind, sensitive, intelligent and very much in love with Kat. He gave her a beautiful jade necklace that he bought in China ten years ago to save for the person he was to marry. They will look for a ring together. I have never seen my daughter so happy, calm and content with someone. I could not be happier. It seems like yesterday when he sat on our bed and asked…

About fifteen years ago, I had a huge physical crash that put me in an electric wheelchair for five years. Since then my health has improved a lot and I now use an electric scooter for more than just short walks. Jud was a wonderful caretaker. When I collapsed in exhaustion, he came home from a long days work and made dinner. When I would feel sorry that he had to do so much, he would say, "I am just sorry that you feel so bad." He was a kind husband and a great man to spend a life…

The blessing at the bottom is not my work, but  is the writing of someone whose work I really cherish. I ran across it when I was thinking of all that needed to be done on my house when Jud died.  I am now almost five months out and during this time, have completed (no, I didn't do the work with my own hands but I did plan, choose, select the worker, overlook the work, manage my budget and pay the workers) five major house projects. I was terrified.  I have never managed a house project in…

I have been very exhausted for the last couple of days: Jud's burial, chest inflammation, too much company and just overdoing it in general. My fibro flared up and I slept almost the entire last twenty-four hours. I would wake up every so often, and every time, I thought Jud would be there. It was so odd and so disconcerting. Each time, I had to face the shock of his death. I was glad to finally wake up and get out of bed.

Thinking of it later, I was reminded of the first several…

On Saturday, Kat and I will return to South Dakota for the burial of Jud's ashes in the family plot in Yankton. I have agreed to read the following poem, one of my favorites. I don't care if I cry, but i do want to get through it. Please think of me on Saturday and send prayers and wishes for me to just make it through. I also want to share it with you. It is very special to me.…

I was having coffee with a friend today (i.e. laying on my couch, as I have a bout of Chronic Fatigue and am just beat). We were talking a relationship I have with a couple of old friends that has gone Deep South. Very sad. A fifty year friendship. While we were talking about this, she recalled a convention she attended about positive thinking and forgiveness. The man running the conference suggested writing three positive memories a day about the person. The researcher who had studied this…

Jud was feeling very ill all during the entire Christmas season of last year. Though he did not want to admit it, it appeared he was going downhill. He had strange hiccups and was very nauseated, often suffering hour after hour of dry heaves. We were still planning a trip to Mesa to see his parents...and had one final clinical trial in our back pocket. 

We flew to John's Hopkins in Baltimore, MD to find out about the cancer vaccine trial. Cancer vaccine! How exciting and what a…

If I am begin to blog, I must make a deal with myself. Blogging is not worth it if I am not telling the truth. i must admit, I am conscious of an audience, but, in the end, this exercise is for me; this is one way to help me out of this black…