Jean's Blog (13)

I was talking to my sweet MIL the other day.  Yes, I'm one of the lucky one's married into a wonderful family. She was widowed 15 years ago now.. so she gets this shit too.. she is a wise woman, this one.. and I love her to pieces.

the question of why... I told her I'm still peeved at God for taking our hubbies so young.. she lost her hubs at 56.. then her son, my hub a month after he turned 50.. so unfair.. Why does he seem to take the good one's so damn young?…

I miss. We were warped. I loved it. We got each other.. I miss laughing with him. Laughing until we teared up. Laughing about stupid stuff, serious stuff.. giggling at his sillyness.. singing to me when he got out of the shower.. oh the singing.. I miss that so much.

I miss the sparkle in his eyes.. I miss giving him the look and knowing we would be having fun soon.. I miss being ravaged by his love. I miss being held. I miss knowing he would love me till the end. Till my end.. I miss…

forgive others for they know not what they say

love them for who they are, not for who you want them to be

remember... we didn't know what to say before this happened to us either

Like Dianne said in her post to our sweet Javi..

forgive, be kind to others... we don't know how long we have

Cherish your friends and family. Forgive them, love them and remember to smile towards the heavens because ... they like to see us smile.

Takes a long time but we…

I am taking vacation next week. I usually am excited for a whole week off. I am not. A week at the cabin usually refreshes me. The water does that for me. I am hopeful...if I ever get there. I am not ready. Haven't been shopping, haven't packed. Not sure I want to go anymore. Part of me wants to stay home. Pack up his cloths finally. Clean out the bedroom. Move the furniture around. Finally.

I will go. The grass has to be cut. It will be a jungle up there after all the rains. But I am…

I heard this on the same day from two different people a few weeks ago. Both widowed. They aren't as strong as me. I must really look strong... or act strong. Or maybe I am strong. I don't know.. but hell.. it sure doesn't make a person feel very good. Not sure why. It should. Shouldn't it? Does it mean I'm not compassionate enough of their journey? Does it mean I'm doing better then them or does it mean they don't get why I smile so much? What is it? I tried to get them both here to read…

sometimes I wish he hadn't fought the cancer so hard.

sometimes I wish we would of accepted his fate.

sometimes I wish we could of had a few last months without the sickness of chemo and radiation

always, I will wish he never had to choose

mostly I'm glad I let him choose

but I wish.. oh how I wish.. that he was still here.

sometimes, HOPE is a double edged sword - for both of us.

sometimes those last few months aren't worth it, for…

Will anyone ever love me again?

I'm old, decrepid and falling apart.

Do I deserve it?

Am I worthy?

These are things I wonder about. Is it just me?

Alone.

The first year was horrible. Heartbreaking. I just wanted to die and be burried right next to him. Some days, I still do.

I don't 'count' the months, the days anymore. He died 11/23/2010. I don't know how long it's been, I say a year and a half. Good enough for me.

I took our rings off, put them back on, took them off.. I did this a lot that first year. Finally took them off for good, can't remember exactly when, it was all within that first year tho.

I…

I have heard this said about people who date too soon for someone else's standards. I have heard it said by those who cannot imagine loving someone else. I have heard this said by folks who tell themselves this so they don't feel so bad.

I get it.

Some folks can't be alone and go at it for all the wrong reasons.

and some folks do it just to pass the time or for a dinner date, a movie date.

For me... I know how wonderful it is to feel cherished and loved and how…

Can I just say?  GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

tomorrow is the official date of Mike's death. 4:43pm. today is the tuesday, the two days before thanksgiving..last year it was this day he left us.



I am doing better then I thought I would be.. crying jags here and there but I will be ok. The proof is that I. am. still. here. One breath, one step, one day at a time.



I have many blessings, one of which was spending almost 30 years with Mike.. married just a week or so shy of our 28th anniversary. 12/4



This week…

SHIFTING SAND

My beloved has died - I'm

Frightened and hurt

Please don't get angry,

impatient or curt –

If I'm not progressing as

you think I should.

I'd love to snap out of it,

if only I could.



You see, we were a couple -

A team, you could say

always together, every day.

Now there's just me, alone

and scared.

Missing my loved one,

someone who cared.

There's a void in my life

and I'm full of…