A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
One step in pain
Found this old self portrait while I was trying to find a picture to describe how I feel right now.
First of all I am on no sleep. It’s been weeks since I can honestly say I have slept well and now I am on the “One Step” rule.
One step in front of the other, little movements forward…yet, I feel I get no where. I am exhausted with the effort of everything that seems to need to be done at once. I can’t do it all. I have friends who have offered to help, but there is nothing they can really do. It’s all on me now. That apparently how Dan wanted it. It’s the legacy he decided to leave me.
I’m exhausted. I feel abandoned. I feel angry.
A lot of times it is like I have picked a dandelion out of a vast yard. 60,000 more spring up in its place and there is just no hope of having a nice, manicured lawn again.
I need stability. I need to feel like I have some kind of control over what is about to happen. I don’t even know what is about to happen, but I do know one thing…I have absolutely no control over that next step.
The bills are really starting to roll in from Dan’s trip to the ER. Everyday they find something new to send me. Some new piece of gory information of what steps they tried to take to save his life. Someone in the billing department has marvelous description skills at what they performed in the ambulance, on scene and in the ER. Wish I could call them and tell them I am a visual reader and please be as brief as possible.
I’m finally spiraling out of the control that I had for the past few weeks. I am realizing this is my life and I don’t know what to do with it. I’m scared and feel so very small.
I was strong. I was a rock…but now that rock is chipping away a little at a time. What is left behind is not very pretty. I’ve learned I have to allow myself at least 6 times a day that I lock myself in the bathroom and weep. It’s self pity, it’s uncertainty and I can’t bear to pick up anymore pieces.
I am hurting.
I’ll keep taking those “one steps” because its all I can do. It’s the one thing that I can do for today. My focus today is to go spend the three hours required at the Social Security Administration office. I tried to do it yesterday, but Isabella crashed and is convinced that her head hurts so she is dying. “Just like Daddy”…She stayed up all night waiting to die. Waiting to freeze in motion and worried about me putting her in the ground.
I’m crushed. The pain coursing through my body is worse than any physical agony I have ever endured. I am hurt and broken.
Comment
-
Comment by Lisa ( Marielee) on August 3, 2011 at 1:16am
-
One step at a time... that's all we can do. That is how I have gotten through one whole year. Losing control is very natural during this process. My husband committed suicide to and probably my biggest thing to deal with was the hotel charged (tried) me $1,600 for cleanup of the room. I fought that with everything inside of me.I called all the way to headquarters in Hawaii. I think it was me acting out the anger of "how could you do this to me, to us,to our kids?" I still don't know how this is the choice that makes everything ok. I have been through months of therapy, loving support of family and friends and most of all my faith in God. This is what has saved me. When I begin to panic and feel that "how is this my life" , "how are you gone" I think of all the good things right now which is mostly my 3 boys.I will not give up because of them. They had one parent give up and that will not be the legacy I leave them also. I have come to terms with the fact that my husband's brain became "sick" . He hid it all from me and our kids and everyone at our work. This was his choice. He took himself from us but I won't let him take us to. I am trying to put together a new life. I just breathe, look up at the sky and just do whatever it takes to feel alive. The alternative is death and today I chose life. I hope tonight is a little better. Please contact me if you need to talk. Blessings, Lisa
-
Comment by Nikki S on August 2, 2011 at 7:43pm -
A little over 41/2 years out now, but just a few months after Chris died I had a collection agency call me and ask to speak to him. As if that wasn't painful enough, I processed to tell her he was killed but I was his wife and asked what the problem was. The bitch had the nerve to tell me the matter could only be discussed with Chris and she needed to speak to him. Needless to say I lost it and asked her had she not heard what I had just said, he was dead and if she wanted the matter settled she was gonna have to deal with me (in not so nice of words if you catch my meaning) She tried to continue with her little spill and I finally told her she if she wasn't gonna listen to me or discuss it with me then she could shove that f__n bill up her ass. Pardon my language it just still infuriates me to this day. I was bawling and hyserical by this point and after I told her that she just hung up. People can be so ignorant
-
Comment by jtod4 on August 2, 2011 at 11:12am -
I really liked getting that bill for the helicopter that was $20000.00, insurance paid it all but $150. They called me everyday for a month wanting there money. Im going to admit they won so I went ahead and paid it, I was so tired of their bullshit.
-
Comment by Alycia E on August 2, 2011 at 10:00am -
I think I will throw some stuff today. I have some old plates I never really liked. It's time to hurl those suckers and feel better for now.
-
Comment by Lady G on August 2, 2011 at 9:55am -
Ohh I so know how you are feeling of everything being out of control. Of being exhausted, not sleeping. Today would have been our 15year anniverary and I want to scream I want to cry i want to trow things. I don't know what I want to do. I just feel so very very lost. I feel for you. I am new enough on here that I don't really know about the one step plan but I get the genneral Idea of just trying to move forward a little bit at a time. Sometimes though feels as though it is impossible to move at all and sometimes feels like I am moving backwards instead of forwards.
-
Comment by CrazyWidow on August 2, 2011 at 9:38am -
The bills kept coming over a year after Kevin's death. I actually would just let them pile up in a file folder without opening them. I couldn't see it, the evidence of what had caused his death. I also understand your feeling of need SOME control over what will happen. Now I'm trying to undo that in therapy. it's not easy, but you're right, one step at a time.
This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people
Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.
Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.
We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."
HOT TOPICS!
© 2013 Created by Supa Dupa Fresh.
You need to be a member of Widowed Village to add comments!
Join Widowed Village