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JEALOUSY
Tonight I went over to my sister's for supper. I guess they figured they hadn't heard from me in a while and wanted to do something nice. The thought of going over there was unnerving to me, don't get me wrong, I love my sister and her husband and I adore my new baby niece, ...but that's just it...they are living the life that I was supposed to have. Although I was dreading it, the idea of a home cooked meal suddenly seemed very appealing to me (its been soo long since I've cooked for myself) not to mention that it'd be nice for my boy to have playtime with his only cousin. I was noticing that the pros out weighed the cons... maybe a veil is being lifted somewhat?!..
I have only one sister, and I am older by 2 years and it's just the two of us. We have always been very close, best friends really. I was the extrovert and she was the introvert and it worked beautifully. When we were little, we told each other that we'd be one another's maid-of-honour shall that day ever come. Well, it seemed to happen in a blink of an eye, but that childhood promise would soon be lived out. When my sister got engaged, I met my husband. When my sister got married, I got engaged. When I got married, she found out she was expecting, a few short months after that, I found out that I was expecting!! Our lives were mirroring one another's and we couldn't be more thrilled to enjoy our sisterhood journey! When my sis gave birth to her daughter, my husband and I were ecstatic to be an aunt and uncle. we spoiled that little girl with frequent visits and little stuffed animals (and auntie Stacy went crazy with clothes). It was so wonderful to see my husband interact with my niece. He was so happy to be Uncle Craig... you could tell by the way he would hold her, and speak to her that he was practicing for our turn. I loved seeing him smile at her, it melted my heart. My niece was just over a month old when my husband was killed, and only 3 weeks away from our son being born.
Tonight I got to see my brother in law hold his daughter, and smile at her and coo with her and pick her up in his arms and you could see the pure love between the 2 of them. It made me mad. angered me. frustrated me.
I saw my sister and her husband talk about where her soother last was and who was going to give her bath time tonight. More anger rushes through my veins... a real negative energy. It was jealousy. I hate that I am jealous. I want to be able to hang out with my family, watch the cousins grow and play together.... but I am just so overwhelmingly sad and jealous... yes... jealous!
I can't confide in her, or open up to her because she's the lady of a busy household. She has a marriage and a new baby... and her life is blossoming. And although I know she is also grieving her brother-in-law's death, she at least has the fortunate ability to mourn with her husband to console her. I am so envious of her/them. I need to get over that. how?
If my sis has housework that has piled up (which tends to happen esp. when you're a new mom) she can hand off her daughter to 'daddy' so 'mommy' can get work done.... NOT ME.
if she needs to run up town just to grab something quick, zip in zip out... she can do that when her hubby gets home and leave baby with father...NOT ME. I have to pack jr. up and lug him along, even for the quickest thing.
or how about, when mommy just needs a break from baby, just a small break.... ohh...
I shouldn't complain. I have a beautiful, happy, healthy little boy that makes this difficult situation much easier to bare. I just feel so robbed. ...so much for that veil being lifted... I don't want to do this without him. what happens if I screw it up... can't blame the parentS... oh grant me strength.
oh how venting feels good when you don't want to burden your family who just don't understand anyway.
cheers,
stacy
9ine
Views: 116
Comment
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Comment by smit09 on April 12, 2012 at 7:05am -
thank you.
its gotten better over the last few months.
My sister and I openly talk, and Im in a better place mentally, so that always helps.
your comment on my hubs smile made me cry. your comment about missing your husbands smile, also made me cry.
-yeah, my hubs and I were kindred hippie spirits. i love and miss him everyday.
peace to you. -this has got to be an extremely difficult month for you. (hugs)
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Comment by oldhippie59 on April 11, 2012 at 4:50pm -
Oh, honey, my heart aches for you! The part where you admit to being "jealous" of your sister for still having her husband...I hope you know that is a normal reaction to you UNFAIRLY losing yours. Anger and jealousy towards our friends and relatives that haven't experienced what we have experienced is a normal part of grieving. Of course, it isn't their "fault"...and it's hard not to feel badly that we feel that way. Just accept that it is part of the grief journey. Don't be hard on yourself. A very wise man once said, "One day at a time." That's all we can do.
Your husband had a beautiful smile. So did mine. He had long hair back in his younger days, too. I do so miss that smile!
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Comment by tinkerbella_77 on January 30, 2012 at 7:47pm -
I also know that feeling of jealousy. It most recentyl came up when a family member of my sister in law found out that her husband has colon cancer and that they didn't give him much hope. Mind you I was upset with the diagnosis but he was still there and they still had time with him. The whole family was devastated and weeping but all that kept going through my head was that they still had him and that he was still there. They would have the chance to either fight the cancer together or say good bye to each other this is something that my kids or myself was not offered when my husband passed last summer due to a drowning accident. No times for good bye,one last kiss or I love you. I know that this wife is going through a different journey but still alittle jealous.
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Comment by Valerie L. on January 29, 2012 at 9:47pm -
Sorry my new friend. I feel the same way though. I have a yard and garage FULL of camping, hunting, boating - outdoorsy things that my husband took us on all summer long with all of our other "outdoorsy" couple friends. Now I am left having to sell boats, ATVs, campers, because I cannot do these things with my kids alone. So I have decided that in the next 6 months I am moving somewhere warmer (either the same town as my sister in So. Cal. or my sister-in-law in Texas) where me and my kids can start our own adventures that don't require a man to do the heavy work! I am not running from our town, as my beloved and I had talked about moving for many years. So now I am not tied down with our business, and I have no family here - screw it! I am going to make a new life for me and my kids. ((hugs to you and the baby))
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Comment by MissHIm11 on January 29, 2012 at 2:56pm -
Stacy,
I feel your pain so so much. While my situation is so much like yours my jealousy was not with siblings but with our friends. I was so lucky to have our dearest friends help me every step of the way but it pained me to no end to see them together! In the end, once the baby was born I started to distance myself without even noticing it. In the end, I was open and honest with them. I let them know I WAS jealous of their marriage and how it was painful for me to see them together. I feel much better now that they understand me better. I still get jealous from time to time, now almost 11 months out. But they understand where I am coming from. I think if you either write your sister a letter or try to talk to her you might be surprised by the support you end up getting from her. Does she live close to you? Would she be able to help you with your baby once a week so you can have some down time? Big hugs to you!!!
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Comment by Lisa (lost) Lamb on January 29, 2012 at 11:31am
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Stacy I bet it felt good to get all of that out. We all have jealousy of one kind or another. For me it was seeing older couples together, the tears would start as soon as I saw them and I would think why couldn't we of had that. We have all lost so much, so many things we will never get to do, get to see, get to share. I will say I'm now 8 months out and I no longer cry everytime I see couples together any more. I still feel sad but I don't get jealous or angry. I must be making some kind of progress even though most of the time I don't feel like I am. (((hugs))) and remember with time you and your sister will be as close as ever again.
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Comment by Sheryl-momof4 on January 29, 2012 at 10:51am -
Wonderfully written post, and very true. At Thanksgiving this past year my youngest daughter (6) looked around the table at my brother, sister and their spouses and said "Everyone at the table is married!" I looked down with tears in my eyes and one of my older daughters leaned over and whispered "Not EVERYONE is married". I was so sad. It is hard to not be jealous of what they have. Neither of my siblings have or want kids, and here I am a widow with 4 of them. Brian and I were together longer than both of my siblings and their spouses put together. Yes, I AM jealous of what they have because they have each other. I don't have my Brian. I want my BRIAN!!! I watch my kids play with their uncles and think "that should be their dad". So very hard.
As for your sister and her husband. LEAN on them! You sound so close to your sister and I suspect that she is waiting for you to ask for help. When you need a break let them help you. It is hard to ask for help, I know, but when you are an only parent there aren't a lot of choices. They love you and want to be there for you. I know this because I too have siblings and they have been amazing to me since Brian died. My sister lives over 2 hours away, but my brother is only 1/2 hour away.
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Comment by Wanderer530 (Bernie) on January 29, 2012 at 8:26am -
I hear you smit. Oh boy, can I relate to much of your vent (ouch, cringe, ouch, cringe).
My boys are 10, 15, 29, & 31~~LOL
Well, you sure blew off some steam. Sure sounded like you felt better for having done it :)
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