A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
Tonight I went over to my sister's for supper. I guess they figured they hadn't heard from me in a while and wanted to do something nice. The thought of going over there was unnerving to me, don't get me wrong, I love my sister and her husband and I adore my new baby niece, ...but that's just it...they are living the life that I was supposed to have. Although I was dreading it, the idea of a home cooked meal suddenly seemed very appealing to me (its been soo long since I've cooked for myself) not to mention that it'd be nice for my boy to have playtime with his only cousin. I was noticing that the pros out weighed the cons... maybe a veil is being lifted somewhat?!..
I have only one sister, and I am older by 2 years and it's just the two of us. We have always been very close, best friends really. I was the extrovert and she was the introvert and it worked beautifully. When we were little, we told each other that we'd be one another's maid-of-honour shall that day ever come. Well, it seemed to happen in a blink of an eye, but that childhood promise would soon be lived out. When my sister got engaged, I met my husband. When my sister got married, I got engaged. When I got married, she found out she was expecting, a few short months after that, I found out that I was expecting!! Our lives were mirroring one another's and we couldn't be more thrilled to enjoy our sisterhood journey! When my sis gave birth to her daughter, my husband and I were ecstatic to be an aunt and uncle. we spoiled that little girl with frequent visits and little stuffed animals (and auntie Stacy went crazy with clothes). It was so wonderful to see my husband interact with my niece. He was so happy to be Uncle Craig... you could tell by the way he would hold her, and speak to her that he was practicing for our turn. I loved seeing him smile at her, it melted my heart. My niece was just over a month old when my husband was killed, and only 3 weeks away from our son being born.
Tonight I got to see my brother in law hold his daughter, and smile at her and coo with her and pick her up in his arms and you could see the pure love between the 2 of them. It made me mad. angered me. frustrated me.
I saw my sister and her husband talk about where her soother last was and who was going to give her bath time tonight. More anger rushes through my veins... a real negative energy. It was jealousy. I hate that I am jealous. I want to be able to hang out with my family, watch the cousins grow and play together.... but I am just so overwhelmingly sad and jealous... yes... jealous!
I can't confide in her, or open up to her because she's the lady of a busy household. She has a marriage and a new baby... and her life is blossoming. And although I know she is also grieving her brother-in-law's death, she at least has the fortunate ability to mourn with her husband to console her. I am so envious of her/them. I need to get over that. how?
If my sis has housework that has piled up (which tends to happen esp. when you're a new mom) she can hand off her daughter to 'daddy' so 'mommy' can get work done.... NOT ME.
if she needs to run up town just to grab something quick, zip in zip out... she can do that when her hubby gets home and leave baby with father...NOT ME. I have to pack jr. up and lug him along, even for the quickest thing.
or how about, when mommy just needs a break from baby, just a small break.... ohh...
I shouldn't complain. I have a beautiful, happy, healthy little boy that makes this difficult situation much easier to bare. I just feel so robbed. ...so much for that veil being lifted... I don't want to do this without him. what happens if I screw it up... can't blame the parentS... oh grant me strength.
oh how venting feels good when you don't want to burden your family who just don't understand anyway.