A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
Ideas
-''There's this place in me where your finger prints still rest...your kisses still linger and your whispers softly echo...It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me"- Anonymous-
Then there was the movies...DJ liked having the latest movies, especially the animated ones, she and our grand daughter, Ms. McKoKo loved to watch those together, with DJ explaining some of the various scenes to her and both of them sharing spells of laughter...there are two stacks of the movies now; the one's we've seen, and the one's yet to be watched. That yet to be watched stack is much larger than the other...For her, it just the idea of having those movies, ready for viewing at any time that really mattered. We actually did watch a lot of them together, and along with our running commentary, we enjoyed them...I miss that a lot now...
Sometimes her ideas were a challenge; she wanted a walk-in closet in the basement, to her it was simple; some shelves, a couple of closet poles, a little paint; that was her idea of what had to be done…no matter about layouts, drawings or plans; framing, fastening things to concrete, or, do you want the entrance on this or that end; how would the overhead pipes might affect everything; no, mere side issues for her, she was in love with the idea of that closet and wanted to have it, we built it and she truly enjoyed it. There was other ideas that I never fully understood, but which had a direct effect on my life; once, her sister invited us over for a ''Chili Fest'' she was having, a lot of the family showed up and we had a great time. Having found the Chili particularly tasty (or maybe I was just hungry that day...), I complimented her sister several times on the it, and asked for some to take with me...for some reason I don't think DJ like the idea of me doing that...a few weeks later, DJ asked, as I was leaving for work one morning, what I wanted for dinner...I had been thinking about Chili, so I said so...just before I closed the door as I was leaving out, DJ said ''...Well, you'd better stop by my sister's then...'', this was not the reaction of some new, unsure bride, we had been married quite some time when this occurred; she did not make Chili in our house for a long time.
A Vegas get away had always been one of her dreams, she got to fulfill that dream. I think it was the whole ‘idea’ of Vegas that attracted her. The bustle, the lights, the breath taking sights, the visions that the word Las Vegas brought to her mind. Oh, she enjoyed all those things I’m sure, and she loved to play the penny and nickel slots, but the idea of Vegas is what really brought her joy. Sure, she did some of the regular things you do in Vegas, but I think DJ was most content to lie in the lavish suite, watch TV and order room service…it was the idea of just being in Vegas that made her enjoy it so much. I'm sure she is one of the very few people who return from Las Vegas with much of their ''spending money'' still in their possession.
Her greatest gift to me, was her idea of family, our family, and when things did not conform to her ‘idea’ of family there was hell to pay. She is the classic matriarch, overpowering, protective, nosy and loving. At one moment pointing out defects in your character you never knew existed and in another moment making you feel as if you could rule the world. Here, the idea and the real came together. I know that our family was her one true passion, the thing she cherished the most. I know it because of the way cared for us and always seem to put us first. In the beginning I did not always see that, or help to make it happen, but later, as we grew together I came to love her even more for it. You see, she not only made a family for our children, but for me too. I mean she showed me what our family could be all about, she gave me new understanding. Folks may think I am the head of our family, probably because I am the loudest, but the true power is in DJ and how she shapes our family, even now. There’s no replacement for this and that’s where the pain and hurt comes in. Missing that, knowing it is no longer here leaves a hole that cannot be filled. This is the most tragic thing of all for us. I don’t have all the words to express it quite right, I don’t know the correct phrases that can ‘make it all better’, or to give the description it deserves, they all seen so inadequate.
But I do have my own idea. My idea of this blog as a form of an outlet and possible healing focus for me and the family. My idea to relay some of the memories I have of her...my idea that mabey this will make the transition easier, using this process as a way of putting all of this in some safe place before continuing with life's journey. My challenge is to do this without elevating her to sainthood or idealizing her very human traits. We're all human beings, with all the shortcomings we humans have. In that regard, about her, I recognize I’m just a bit prejudiced, so if I forget sometimes, forgive me. This is new territory for me and I’m still learning how to integrate this part of my life into the 'new life', besides, I'm sure I'm still grieving...
How to come to terms with the fact that this is life now, these changes, this painful upheaval; It’s a scary proposition, this self examination, this, ''to date'' review of life ...this attempting to fit in all of the pieces, but it has to be done if we are to move forward, to live. Mabey that's the idea behind our lives, to work through the various challenges and hardships that come our way, especially this particular one and to discover more of who we truly are as a result of having to deal with them. To gain these valuable lessons and pass them on to family, friends, and to others. I don't think that is all that life is about, but certainly, it plays a large part in it.
Perhaps we become better human beings by overcoming them, I truly hope so...It would really be a tragedy if all of this was for nothing...that might be the cruelest Idea of them all.
''...even against the current, we continue, forward...''
Views: 78
Comment
-
Comment by hendrixx2 on May 21, 2012 at 3:42pm -
Hi AED, I am so glad DJ feels real to you, she was very ''real'' and still is, in my every waking thought...
-
Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on May 17, 2012 at 6:03pm -
Love your honesty Fred, you make DJ "real" for me, I would have liked to have known her.
-
Comment by hendrixx2 on May 16, 2012 at 4:02pm
-
Hi all, thanx...
@Suzer - You know, I think these 'ideas' are what keeps us going, keeps us moving in the forward direction, that we don't complete them all is just part of it...ha, it could just be the ''idea'' of the ''idea'', lollol....
@Carol - The sharing is helping me beyond measure...and I hope I am making progress, sometimes it feels like it and at other times it feels frozen, but I understand that in either case, time is moving...
@Smit - Ha, I believe it would take serious work not to come out of this feeling the way you describle...
@BAW - LOL Amy, I think I was delirious with hunger that day; you are right I lost my head for a moment & loss of Chili at our house was the price I paid...lol
@KK - Yes kk, I have seen your ''gate'', it's very nice...you can still use the ''ideas'' and the power tools too, lol, I think that's the coolest thing about our ideas...we really don't have to give them up...
@Michelle - Don't feel too bad DJ list was probably longer than yours, lol, I spent a lot of time trying to hide that damn list, but she always had copies...lol, and more ideas, lollol...thanx
-
Comment by jimswife33 (Michelle) on May 16, 2012 at 2:28am -
When you said her "ideas" it made me laugh because I could totally see Jim saying it that way about me. I had/ have a very long list. Many we got to and some not. I love reading your posts, you just have a way of writing that makes me feel like I was there and have known you and DJ forever. Thanks for sharing with us Fred.
Hugs, Michelle
-
Comment by kimkirt (KK) on May 15, 2012 at 12:12pm -
Hahaha, oh Fred! I can almost see you rolling those 'husband eyes" at DJ like Steve did at me when I came up with my 'projects.' I had gotten it into my head over the past year that I was going to make things out of free wooden pallets, my first being a replica old wooden garden gate for the top of our mantel. So, hubs humors me and brings home some pallets (because you know, I had to have several to choose from) and I whispered those beautiful words a man wants to hear "You can use your power tools to help me." We spent a glorious day off together (son was in school) making my 'fake decor garden gate.' It is still up on my mantel and I LOVE it. I'm glad he would go along with my ideas. Sadly, there are about 7 pallets stacked on our front porch, ones he brought home for me for "future projects" I had in mind. Don't know if I will ever get to them now, but I got my garden gate, and for that, I am happy. Thanks for sharing your DJ stories as they always conjure up memories of my own. Good memories. Hugs, Fred!
-
Comment by bad ass widow on May 15, 2012 at 12:08am -
Another beautiful blog Fred. She instilled in you and your children so much love, and about the chili, you should have known better LOL
(((hugs)))
-
Comment by smit09 on May 14, 2012 at 2:52pm -
Fred.
If we can (and we will) overcome this. this torment. this anguish. this pain. this confusion. this emptiness. I WHOLEHEARTEDLY believe that it WILL make us better human beings. Ones that will have a greater appreciation for love and for life.
-
Comment by carolynne on May 14, 2012 at 12:49pm -
Another beautifully written blog, Fred. Thank you for sharing. I'm truly enjoying getting to know your wife and children, and seeing you progress on your journey. (((hugs)))
-
Comment by Suz on May 13, 2012 at 1:49pm -
Fred,
I love this! You describe DJ so well as a woman of "ideas." Totally selfishly, I relate. I am constantly full of ideas of what I can make and my basement it testament to so many "ideas" that never flowered. What is so touching is how well you understood the importance of "ideas" as a part of her make-up and didn't take away the joy that the "idea" brought to her. Jud was also very respectful of my ideas and praised each one to came to conclusion. Ideas keep my happy and focusing on a better future...and still do. Now I am sitting with a basement of them and somedays, when I think of selling the house, they don't look so hot!
Wish I could get my butt going on journalling and writing some of the memories down. I am so afraid they will fade away.
Thanks for writing to poetically, humorously, lovingly and universally.
Hugs,
Suz
This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people
Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.
Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.
We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."
HOT TOPICS!
© 2013 Created by Supa Dupa Fresh.
You need to be a member of Widowed Village to add comments!
Join Widowed Village