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-''There's this place in me where your finger prints still rest...your kisses still linger and your whispers softly echo...It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me"- Anonymous-
Then there was the movies...DJ liked having the latest movies, especially the animated ones, she and our grand daughter, Ms. McKoKo loved to watch those together, with DJ explaining some of the various scenes to her and both of them sharing spells of laughter...there are two stacks of the movies now; the one's we've seen, and the one's yet to be watched. That yet to be watched stack is much larger than the other...For her, it just the idea of having those movies, ready for viewing at any time that really mattered. We actually did watch a lot of them together, and along with our running commentary, we enjoyed them...I miss that a lot now...
Sometimes her ideas were a challenge; she wanted a walk-in closet in the basement, to her it was simple; some shelves, a couple of closet poles, a little paint; that was her idea of what had to be done…no matter about layouts, drawings or plans; framing, fastening things to concrete, or, do you want the entrance on this or that end; how would the overhead pipes might affect everything; no, mere side issues for her, she was in love with the idea of that closet and wanted to have it, we built it and she truly enjoyed it. There was other ideas that I never fully understood, but which had a direct effect on my life; once, her sister invited us over for a ''Chili Fest'' she was having, a lot of the family showed up and we had a great time. Having found the Chili particularly tasty (or maybe I was just hungry that day...), I complimented her sister several times on the it, and asked for some to take with me...for some reason I don't think DJ like the idea of me doing that...a few weeks later, DJ asked, as I was leaving for work one morning, what I wanted for dinner...I had been thinking about Chili, so I said so...just before I closed the door as I was leaving out, DJ said ''...Well, you'd better stop by my sister's then...'', this was not the reaction of some new, unsure bride, we had been married quite some time when this occurred; she did not make Chili in our house for a long time.
A Vegas get away had always been one of her dreams, she got to fulfill that dream. I think it was the whole ‘idea’ of Vegas that attracted her. The bustle, the lights, the breath taking sights, the visions that the word Las Vegas brought to her mind. Oh, she enjoyed all those things I’m sure, and she loved to play the penny and nickel slots, but the idea of Vegas is what really brought her joy. Sure, she did some of the regular things you do in Vegas, but I think DJ was most content to lie in the lavish suite, watch TV and order room service…it was the idea of just being in Vegas that made her enjoy it so much. I'm sure she is one of the very few people who return from Las Vegas with much of their ''spending money'' still in their possession.
Her greatest gift to me, was her idea of family, our family, and when things did not conform to her ‘idea’ of family there was hell to pay. She is the classic matriarch, overpowering, protective, nosy and loving. At one moment pointing out defects in your character you never knew existed and in another moment making you feel as if you could rule the world. Here, the idea and the real came together. I know that our family was her one true passion, the thing she cherished the most. I know it because of the way cared for us and always seem to put us first. In the beginning I did not always see that, or help to make it happen, but later, as we grew together I came to love her even more for it. You see, she not only made a family for our children, but for me too. I mean she showed me what our family could be all about, she gave me new understanding. Folks may think I am the head of our family, probably because I am the loudest, but the true power is in DJ and how she shapes our family, even now. There’s no replacement for this and that’s where the pain and hurt comes in. Missing that, knowing it is no longer here leaves a hole that cannot be filled. This is the most tragic thing of all for us. I don’t have all the words to express it quite right, I don’t know the correct phrases that can ‘make it all better’, or to give the description it deserves, they all seen so inadequate.
But I do have my own idea. My idea of this blog as a form of an outlet and possible healing focus for me and the family. My idea to relay some of the memories I have of her...my idea that mabey this will make the transition easier, using this process as a way of putting all of this in some safe place before continuing with life's journey. My challenge is to do this without elevating her to sainthood or idealizing her very human traits. We're all human beings, with all the shortcomings we humans have. In that regard, about her, I recognize I’m just a bit prejudiced, so if I forget sometimes, forgive me. This is new territory for me and I’m still learning how to integrate this part of my life into the 'new life', besides, I'm sure I'm still grieving...
How to come to terms with the fact that this is life now, these changes, this painful upheaval; It’s a scary proposition, this self examination, this, ''to date'' review of life ...this attempting to fit in all of the pieces, but it has to be done if we are to move forward, to live. Mabey that's the idea behind our lives, to work through the various challenges and hardships that come our way, especially this particular one and to discover more of who we truly are as a result of having to deal with them. To gain these valuable lessons and pass them on to family, friends, and to others. I don't think that is all that life is about, but certainly, it plays a large part in it.
Perhaps we become better human beings by overcoming them, I truly hope so...It would really be a tragedy if all of this was for nothing...that might be the cruelest Idea of them all.
''...even against the current, we continue, forward...''