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"Mom this is Paul"
Your cell phone bill is due again, and I decided not to pay it. I’ve kept it on since February just so I could call your voicemail and hear your gruff, sweet southern drawl. I panic immediately after my decision. I have so few movies of you or anything where I can hear your voice, and now that I fear our wedding video is lost, this brief, 15 second clip is all I have left of that voice I loved so much. The voice that comforted me, scolded me, encouraged me, yelled at me sometimes while driving. What will I do? 50.00 is a lot right now. I whisper a soft prayer, and I have an inspiration. I get out your phone..figure out how to record on mine..and I begin calling your number. It takes me 5 tries but I finally get the timing right to record the entire message on my phone. Oh, sweet relief. Then I start looking through your phone pics..I better make sure I forward any of these because you have no card on your phone..once it’s shut off they are trapped in there forever. I look around…I find a folder for “my sounds”..there is a recording there.
I push play. Your voice fills the still room…”Mom, this is Paul. Everythings fine, I’m alright, I didn’t want to call you. I just wanted to tell you that if anything happens to me, I want to make sure Alison is taken care of. She can stay here in the house as long as she wants, and the kids will have to deal with it. I don’t want them comin in and taking everything out - the Tvs and beds and furniture are all Alison’s if she wants them. I want to make sure they are going to treat her right and that she is taken care of. I’ve said everything I need to say to the kids, I love them and all that, so…this is going on way to long now…so …you have been the light of my life and I want to Thank You for everything you have done for me…I love you Mom”.
I was there when this recording was made…Feb 2011..a year before the dreaded Feb 2012 day. You made it I think..if I remember correctly…your blood pressure was doing weird things at the time, and you were worried..having a heart condition makes a lot of things worrisome. We had talked about it..you had reassured me that “You can stay here as long as you want to or need to”. And I had replied with “do you really think I could stay here without you? I would be devastated and don’t think I could do it”.
I was exactly correct. You died on Feb. 13, 2012, and I moved on April 5th, just shy of 2 months. Being there alone without you was too heart wrenching, too empty…too much regret, too much missing, too much sadness, too much of everything not good.
And now, hearing this again….it’s too much of everything good. This was the best part of You. The part that loved his mother deeply, the part that was looking out for me, even now…beyond space and time..beyond your absence. It wasn’t necessary, as I chose to leave, but I think. now ..to do that ..you are loving me still…somehow..in another dimension. As I am here loving you..without you.
And I still have that voice to listen to..even if only for a few seconds…it will have to suffice. Just as my memories of holding you …and listening to your heart beat.
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Comment
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Comment by NMWidower on May 8, 2012 at 2:57am -
Good for you Kathi (KCC) I would make sure you try to make a copy of it. We accidentally lost ours when someone was cleaning and when the power was lost for an extended period. At least for me it was near when I was about ready to change it, but I still wish I had that voice to hear it sometimes and remember what she sounded like better. After 2.5 years its harder to remember it like I knew it oh so well back then. I found similar encouragement in hearing Heidi's voice as well. If others feel sad, they just don't quite realize how these little links still help you feel close!
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Comment by kcc - NM on May 5, 2012 at 7:14pm
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My husband passed away suddently 5 weeks ago and the only thing I have with his voice is the message recorder on the phone. People have told me that it breaks their heart to hear it when they leave a message, but it warms my hear when I hear it. I will never erase it.
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Comment by Lisa (lost) Lamb on May 4, 2012 at 4:08am
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I'm the same way with KC's phone. May 14th it will be a year and i still have his phone on. I'm not the only one that calls it, the other day I called and it told me his mail box is full. For the life of me I can't remember his password. I know it has something to do with a car because he did that with all passwords. But he would come up with a new one every time. Like one is 392 Hemi, well I could be trying forever trying to figure it out. Maybe I will see about the cell phone company putting it on my phone. Hugs and you can do this, their love helps us get through it.
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Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on May 3, 2012 at 11:53pm -
thanks Joyce and carolynne...it has been a hard day ..for sure. and more hard days to come..i've yet to visit cemetery after burial..waiting for VA to put up headstone. I've asked one of Paul's sons to come with me..i don't think i can go alone. Another "acceptance" step...they are all so hard..but i realize necessary if i am to survive.
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Comment by Joyce on May 3, 2012 at 11:25pm -
((hugs) I still have his phone number active, there is not even a real recorded message just his name, his voice mail says please leave a message for "then him saying his name" that's all I have and I can't let go of his phone number, you don't know how many times I call his number and even leave a message. I so understand.
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Comment by carolynne on May 3, 2012 at 8:04pm -
(((((hugs))))) Shutting off Rod's phone was the first of the hardest things I ever had to do. The store employee was kind and downloaded his voice recording to my son's phone, from which we transferred it to mine. But it still was so hard. It's always so bittersweet to hear his voice....brings back such wonderful memories, but always the shock that he really is not coming back. So very bittersweet. My thoughts are with you.
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