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The boots by the door
The other night, I put away all of the funeral memorabilia I have had on display for the last 11 months.
I was putzing about the house and it occurred to me that there were areas of the house where I felt peaceful, relaxed....good.And other areas....not so much. In fact, there were some spots in the house where I felt overwhelming anxiety, hovering at the brink of panic....PTSD flaring up and threatening to consume me. Upon introspection, I realized that those peaceful areas were all where there was some happy memory of life with Rodney - a picture of him or of one of our vacations, a note from him, some knick knack we had selected together. And the stressful areas were all where the memorials from his funeral were displayed - the photo cover memorial book (I will hate this particular picture of him for the rest of my life, I think, now that we used it for the obituary and memorial book), the memorial cards, the ribbons from the floral spray on his casket.
I fought a moment of guilt at the thought of putting the funeral memorials away. But then I acquiesced. Because I really don't WANT to remember the funeral. I don't want to remember my darling husband in a casket, unmoving, not breathing. I don't WANT to remember my Rodney dead. I want to remember himALIVE,kissing my cheek at 15th Street Beach while Randy snapped the camera, holding my hand up in the air along with his after we'd been pronounced man and wife, hovering over Randy in the hospital with a broken arm, and crying almost as much as Randy.
It has really been troubling me for many months that I could not move his boots away from the door, where they've sat since the night before he died. I've interpreted it as meaning that I'm fighting acceptance, that I'm not progressing in my grief, that in the back of my mind I must in some small way still believe that he is coming back.
Now I realize that is not the case. As much as I hate it, I HAVE accepted that he is not coming back.
But those boots to me are one of the most powerful symbols of his life here with us. He wore them EVERY DAY, 7 days a week, working to build a life and a home for Randy and I, to take care of us, because that's the wonderful, dedicated father and husband that he was. He came home every night and sat on the couch while I cooked dinner, listening to how Randy's day was, helping Randy with homework or playing video games, letting the cat play with the laces for a while because he adored that damned cat. They remind me of how very much he loved life, how very alive he was.
I think it will be a long, long time...maybe forever...before I can think of moving the boots by the door.
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Comment
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Comment by bad ass widow on June 22, 2012 at 11:15pm -
Carolynne, awesome about being able to move in earlier. If you need a pickup truck I got one. I remember reading that when Katie Courics husband died, they had a full size suit of armour by the door. Her 2 daughters insisted that wherever they may move, the suit of armour had to go with and be placed by the front door. It was their version of their Dad guarding the door. I think in your case with Rods boots and my case with Keiths boots, it wouldnt feel like home without them placed by the front door.
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Comment by carolynne on June 22, 2012 at 9:15pm -
I got the good news today that our new place will be available a month early, July 1. Randy and I are very excited about the move. But it's suddenly causing me a great deal of anxiety and I have traced the root of it back to those boots. Because if we move.....the boots have to move. I know it may seem silly but it is really causing me undue trauma. I have decided that I will put the boots in their rightful spot at the NEW door. It won't be the same, but they will still be there. ♥
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Comment by dreaming13000 on May 20, 2012 at 2:25pm
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very touching. thank you for sharing :)
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Comment by carolynne on May 19, 2012 at 11:54am
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I so love it here in the Village, where you all "get" me.
Renee, yes ... SOOO hard to think happy thoughts. I'm not at all sure how I helped you, but glad I did. Hugs back!!
Janet...Rodney was cremated,too. I let his mother bully me into burying his ashes in her plot (I had the funeral home separate them so I have a small urn of my own, on my nightstand) and now I wish more than anything I hadn't. I feel tied to this tiny, godforsaken town now because his ashes are here. If and when the time is right to spread Jim's ashes, you will know. Don't rush yourself. Hugs back to you.
(((Amy))) So glad Keith's boots bring you happy memories!!!
(((Lisa))) You're much stronger than you think you are, and I'm not nearly as strong as you believe.
Lovie, I'm glad for you too, that they were in the closet. I gave away a couple of things - but I'm with you, never the BOOTS!!
Stacy....(((hugs))) I hope those boots turn up somehow, someday. I am sad for you at their loss : (
(((((Jean))))) There have been so many things that I thought would make me "better". If I make it through the first month, okay the first three, okay the first SIX, I'll be better....If I hold a six month memorial, it will help me get better....If we run away for the holidays, we will fare better....If I put away his clothes, I'll feel better....Ya know what? I'm STILL NOT BETTER!!! I think the only way we get better is to just keep trodding along, putting one foot in front of the other, and maybe we don't even GET better, we just learn to deal. I don't know...I'm lost, too. I guess my point is...don't rush yourself. It's not a magic wand to 'better'. When the time is right, you will know. But I feel you on wanting to get rid of the damned anxiety!!!
Lynne, I had a shrine going, too. I love that you are able to find comfort in your home's many memories. This is perfectly said: "as long as it comes out of your authentic self and suits your needs, it's the right thing for you." I think we all are occasionally guilty of letting the DGIs bully us into doing things we are not ready to do, or talking ourselves into believing that 'maybe they are right.' But yes, the AUTHENTIC self knows the truth.
Hugs and much love to all of you, thanks for reading and for responding. Wishing you all peace.
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Comment by Lynne on May 19, 2012 at 1:19am -
Carolynne, I absolutely know what you mean about the "funeral memorabilia" and I had a very similar experience at one point. I had so many things neatly arranged on the dining room table - cards, letters, gifts, pieces from floral arrangements, some items from my husband - it was almost a "shrine" of sorts. I kept it all there for weeks and weeks and then, one day, I simply felt that it was time to put it away and I did. It was a very natural, organic decision and I don't know why it happened at that exact time but it did. I, too, like the pictures that are all around, in every room, and just incorporated quite naturally into the rest of the house. It pleases me to see them and it keeps him always present to me. Since he and I decorated the house together, every piece of furniture, every picture, every book, the colors on the walls, the fabrics, the things we've collected from our travels - they are all around me constantly and they all have "stories" and remind me of him. It's very comforting. At the same time, there are some rooms (mainly upstairs) that I've begun to change and rearrange and redecorate a bit...and that is fine, too. Again, each decision and choice seems to come up quite naturally and there is some kind of balance to it all. It just all feels "right" - I don't know any better way to put it. To me, I think the point is that we each have to do what feels right to us, what makes sense for us and what we're comfortable with. It may be very different for each person but, as long as it comes out of your authentic self and suits your needs, it's the right thing for you. So keep those boots by the door for as long as you want...forever, if that's right for you. As usual, wishing you all the best.
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Comment by jean on May 19, 2012 at 1:04am -
Carolynne...I am struggling with all of this too. Still haven't packed up his things. I threw his garden shoes..a few dress shoes..but his work boots and tennies he wore daily are still there. His coat is still hanging on the hook where he left it. I know I'll get better if I packed these things away or gave them to someone who could use them. But I just haven't been able to do it yet. I must. I read here how it was healing to d it. I feel it would relieve some anxiety if I were to do it. So far...nothing...sigh. working through it all in our own pace. I sure could use a kck to get started though.
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Comment by smit09 on May 19, 2012 at 12:56am -
I can connect so much with the boots. literally. My hubs wore his boots 7 days a week too... and just before the accident his cousin gave him a pair of work boots... he thought "sweet, a man could always use another pair of work boots"...but soon after getting those boots he realized that his boots could not be replaced. After the accident EMS phoned and said that they had Craig's boots and wanted to know if I wanted them. I quickly replied "yes"...you can understand Carolynne the importance behind keeping his boots. When I showed up to pick them up, I looked in the box only to be left utterly disappointed. they were his cousins old boots. To this day, I have no idea where my husbands boots have gone.
your blog is precious.
way to get rid of those bad memories---may you feel more at peace in your home
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Comment by lovie on May 19, 2012 at 12:42am -
My husband loved his boots, too. So glad that they were in the closet when he took his last breath and they are still there in the same place so I do not see them daily. I have given away a few of his things during the last two years that he had no love for, but I will NEVER give away his boots! NEVER!!
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Comment by Lisa (lost) Lamb on May 19, 2012 at 12:32am
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Honey do what ever makes you feel better. Some days I so wish I could be as strong as you are, to know myself like you do. I'm not ready to change yet but you do inspire me! love ya........ lisa
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Comment by bad ass widow on May 18, 2012 at 9:54pm
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Carolynne, Keiths cowboy boots are by my front door. I think they will always be there. I bought those grey python boots for him to wear in our wedding 24 years ago. He only wore them on special occasions and they still look brand new. I see them every day when I leave and when I come home. They bring back the wonderful memory of that wonderful day.
(((Hugs))) Amy
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